last post of 2k9

I don't want to write 2010. I want to write 2k10. it looks cooler to me.
I think resolutions do me good.

1; conserve energy
2; grow hair out, no cutting AT ALL until 2011. not even trimming.
3; lessen amount of time I spend straightening my hair.
4; figure out who I can trust
5; successfully stop lying to people
6; smoke a lot of weed
7; a/b honor roll second semester and first semester junior year
8; get workers permit/job
9; drivers license
10; dance class
11; take care of my mom
12; get another tatoo on my other hip, two more puzzle pieces corresponding
13; start buying cds again
14; save money
15; make dad proud
16; keep journaling
17; not cut/starve/try to kill myself
18; maintain a clean room


clean bathrooms upstairs by: 2/1/10
clean backdoor area by: 2/8/10
clean kitchen by: 2/8/10
clean mothers room by: 5/9/10
clean dining room by: 10/1/10

listen to weezy.
just do it.
like nike.
damn, son.

I feel like such a poet! hahaha.
since I started journaling again.
...smacked.
every day/night.
it turns into a poem.
damn. that's trippy.

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room!
maybe it foreshadows my improved cleanliness in the new year? maybe, new decade?!
damn, starting tomorrow, we've entered a new decade.
soon we'll be in a new era.
we're surpassing ourselves with the technology we're supposed to rule, that has come to rule us!
the true technological age.
^ living in it right now. this is proof.
I should print this out so I can have it in paper.
hahaha.
this is the way I think.

probably cause I'm high right about now.
damn hidden computers.
...someone in the computer world. they see.
they know!
they're like the technological world-wide-web HOLY FUCK, THAT'S WWW. LMAO!
WorldWideWeb!!!!

and you're thinking hes the one and you're dancing in your room when the night ends.
.

I love you! hahaha. I don't believe you.
:"DDD

peace out girl scout, see you losers in 2010. lemme know how fucked up you get!

bitch aint shit but a ho and a trick.

but you know it aint trickin if you got it,
you know we aint fuckin if you not thick
ill cool your ass down if you think your hot shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAwR6w2TgxY&feature=channel

I'm hyper as a nigger. at kfc. with a gun. and 2g coke. hehehe.

I wish I could describe how I feel. like, who I admire. who I'd like to be like right about now. but I can't. I'd like to smoke. but I can't. I'd like a cigarette but I don't have one. I'd like to not have a headache but it doesn't work like that. I wish I could fuck lil wayne but... its not working to my benefit. I wish it didn't snow up to my waist. what a waste of a day that I'll never get back.. ugh.

I feel so empty without you.

I want to stab you in the skull. I hate you.

Confusing stars for satellites.

I used to be the perfect girlfriend. like, really. at least I'd like to think I was, at one point. it's amazing how being cheated on can make you change. well, some people. I'd always been the submissive one. the one that didn't want to lose her virginity, but thought all hope of saving it for the right boy was lost: it was a lie anyways, he wasn't right. now I'm not right, and I'll never be right. and all there's left to do is take it in and think, just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse..

it truly makes me wonder what's happened to the people I used to share my life with. like, what's my best friend, Paige, doing on the other side of the country? fuck if I know she's still even alive. how's her suicidal mom doing, and is she still doing drugs? or Cassie. is she still a virgin? does she think about what she's done to sin? still MC's bitch? we used to be best friends. used to be. and what about Alex, who's he had sex with since I took his virginity? who has he promised to marry with a ring from Claire's?

used to be are sometimes three of the worst words, when used sequentially. cause just like that, things that were, used to be. happy. I am happy. I was happy. I used to be happy.

well, I feel like it's reasonable to say everything seems like it's crashing down. dan, toby, mom, everything. I can see my mom's memory deteriorating everyday. I can see my grandmother die right in front of me everytime I think about her. I can see her expressionless, pale face, barely hanging on. I don't want that to be my mother. no one insults my mother, unless they want to be killed. offending my mother is offending me even worse. my mom's a big girl, I'm a big girl. she can fight for herself, but that will never stop me from fighting for her. I don't know when I'm going to see my boyfriend again. it's unnecessary to even begin to explain what happened last night, but I can barely smile. I can't smile, until I'm with hayden. 'this is why I hang out with you. you make me feel alive.' I feel empty. I drew a bath earlier. made myself look all presentable, except I'm not even motivated to get out of this towel and put on clothes (gross, right?). his phone is off, his parents hate me and even more my mom & there's nothing I can do about any of it. no more late nights, stealing scare crows, smashing pumpkins, or sleepovers where everyone is having sex or eating a frosting/peanut butter morsel/icing/marshmallow/icing topper cake (with no actual cake, only the things listed above). unless something changes. I learned with Alex in the summer of 2008 that whenever I got my hopes down about seeing him and cried my eyes out all pitifully, I always ended up seeing him, even for a little bit, and it was always amazing. his parents hated me. but they never got into an altercation with my mother, nor did he get caught spending the night at my house, etc. daniel isn't alex. but it's hard to be optomistic when I feel so fucking empty inside. like, not knowing anything.. is horrible.

and toby is just an entirely other story. I'd truly love for things to be simple, you've got no idea. thanks for lying to me to make me feel better.. and you know exactly what I'm talking about too! honestly, I hate your friends. I've never felt comfortable even talking to any of them, they've always honestly had something against me and I've always felt that they were waiting for me to fuck up. but I knew this would happen. you obviously didn't. I don't know if I always wanted it to happen. but everything has just crumbled down on me. you. us. we. them. whatever. it hurts so bad to know there's something missing from every single thing you try to do, you know? like, no one will ever win. ever. someone's always sitting on the side line watching everyone else play their game, all the time. no matter what. you're the only one who gets me like you do, even when you don't. no one else could begin to understand what I'm even talking about, but you should understand every word of it. every word of this entire entry. I don't get why all of this happened, but it happened for a reason... when you get the chance, TRUST ME ON THIS.

...but until you grow your hair back. ;) (I accidentally typed 'head back' and laughed soo hard at myself)

but, tonight, I might hang out with the lovebirddds, bryan and mary. I wrapped dan's present(s) today, and made it all pretty with ernie stickers (from sesame street). I gave one of the (crack)s* to Jacob last night, cause I saw him at arby's randomly. he's been texting me, like, non stop, some random shit. today I got a message from him saying 'I will that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert' while I was loitering and smoking jacks with hayden, alex wiseman and some jared kiddo. I read it aloud, sitting right next to a tub of rainbow sherbet, and went 'hayden, decipher this for me' and everyone laughed. til he read it and went HAHA WHAT? it was rather funny. I never replied, nor did I say anything to him to provoke that message, which makes it that much more funny. or that could just be me. and them. us.


*note that I said (crack) above because I know dan might just read this and he can't possibly know what it was until Christmas :)

but... I don't know. I feel a little better after blogging. how lame can I possibly get? oh welll. hopefully I'll hear from daniel later, & I should still be hanging out with the crew minus him later. unless, by some amazing miracle, he can join.. I'd be, like, the happiest person ever. or at least get ahold of me. :( poop.

<3>

I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

they say she needs to slow down;
the baddest thing around town.

^ lake braddock parking lawt, after expulsion. how ba-dass ;)



damn, you'za sexy bitch.

^ <3

<3 ^

slam.

dear alex;
i miss you, dear. i miss the lake and the bridge and your serenading me, or lack there of. i miss the 'you said you'd be back down in five minutes... and it's been an hour' and 'you're lucky it wasn't dad.' i miss the person i used to know, the person who'd never tell me he went away & he'd never come back.
the best friend.
i'z done waiting. however, i'll always miss you.


dear hayden;
i miss you, our drunkeness, our epic hangout sessions, our picnic table, our baskin robbin's dillemas, our everything. i feel like i'm losing my best friend, the one i never thought i'd grow apart from. but we're growing apart, regardless. fuck your mom and everything else keeping us from being together all the time. you get everything.
forever and ever and until we go to giant five minutes ago.



dear worldddd;

my right eye is swollen. when, like, a month ago, my left one was swollen. my eyesight is really blurry. so i'm done. i'm listening to intensity in ten cities and it makes me think of those two. ^ :(

Thanksgiving;

happy Thanksgiving to all those in the world - not just Americans - that choose to acknowlege that we're alive, and therefore, we all have at least one amazing thing to be thankful for.

so, let me bore you, while you could be preparing a huge meal, or waiting for it to be prepared, or just hanging out with the crew.

right this very second, I'm thankful for everything.

I'm thankful for blank cd's and the music that created my wonderful mood. I'm thankful for my mother and my father for having spermies & eggies to make this existance recognized as Emilie. I'm thankful for my brother and his beautiful and wonderful fiancee for sharing the thanks and setting the spirit, since my grandmother isn't around anymore and my dad could give a shit and a half less. I'm thankful for a man I can idolize in every aspect. I'm thankful for the friends I've had, all the previous yesterdays, today and all the upcoming tomorrows. I'm thankful for the way they've shaped me into the person I'm still developing into, someone I can be proud of, someone to make someone else proud. I'm thankful for Trajan getting me kicked out of Lake Braddock, so I had an opportunity to spend time at a new secondary school and meet people who live just five minutes away from me, that I would have never known existed... like Daniel and the rest of the fantastic four. I'm thankful for my boyfriend, the boy who continues to make me smile day after day, and doesn't stop letting me know that I'm special to him like he's special to me. I'm thankful for Bryan and Mary, for reminding me what true love really is, no matter what they think; I know exactly what's between them and it makes me want to tear up every single time I think about it. I'm thankful for Alex Gregory Ha, the only boy I could ever change for, and have ever changed for. I'm thankful that he finally talked to me, after a year of wanting to know him, but never having a single thing to say to him. I'm thankful for everything he's given me, everything he's taught me, and every day of those five months making us stronger together and by ourselves once those five silent months were over. I'm thankful for Nick Stone, for showing me what I'm really worth and that I'll never settle for less than I deserve again. I'm thankful for Kayleigh. I'm thankful for all the fun and fights we've had together, because I could never go through any of it with any other person and love them even more through all of it. I'm thankful for pot, and all the wonderful things it does. I'm thankful for Hayden, and I'm thankful that he's going to be the one getting everything when I die; that's the only thing on my will, and the only thing about him on my old old suicide note -- "Hayden gets everything." I'm thankful for Julia and Natalie, and how those two girls make me laugh like no one else can and make me think like everything makes sense. I'm thankful for cigarettes. I'm thankful for warm clothes. I'm thankful for sunny days, and I'm thankful for our galaxy. I'm thankful for space. I'm thankful for depth. I'm thankful for all the gifts I was given when I was born, and even before, when I was just a thought. I'm thankful for learning everything I've learned in the past fifteen and a half years. I'm thankful for food. I'm thankful for sleep. I'm thankful that my suicide attempt didn't work out; not only because I'm alive right now, but because a couple weeks after it was over, I realized just how thankful I am that it didn't work out. I'm thankful for being a minor, I'm thankful for not having a job yet. I'm thankful for Prozac and all the wonders it has worked on me for over a year now. I'm thankful for my (former) therapist. I'm thankful for the true Buddha. I'm thankful for book stores. I'm thankful for long nails. I'm thankful for my eyes, and the fact that they're not only gorgeous, but I have perfect vision. I'm thankful that I'm not deaf or blind. I'm thankful for confidence. I'm thankful for my sister, Paula, and what I remember of her. I'm thankful this is my last year of gym. I'm thankful for being flexible, and comfortability. I'm thankful for the bridge. I'm thankful for my best friend Greg. I'm thankful for so much.

:)

sharing the thanks.
Good day, and happy Thanksgiving, again.

I'm just roaming for the moment

i have a life.

i can't wait until i can walk the halls of lake braddock again. i'm gonna go see all my teachers from freshman year and i know i'll most definitely cry. i realized that i sound like one of those sociopaths that goes into a school they've been kicked out with resentment and goes crazy killing everyone they encounter. which makes me wonder if people who read this think i'm one of those crazed sociopaths. i mean i have tendencies.

i want to cryyyy. i feel like i just hit myself in the weakest place and i'm in for a lifetime of mental ass-kicking. but it's probably well-deserved ass kicking, and i know for a fact my heart can't take it. it couldn't take it before, it won't take it ever again. i tested the last nerve of my body to try and see if i was as strong as i thought i was. i'm not! should've known.

i cannot remember if blogged about this before; no more therapy for emilie. recently, i've been randomly writing in my school notebooks in the classes i get super bored and creative in. stupid school and its walls forbidding imagination. like mr. ament's classroom... it's like a giant (mental) cockblock. and english class is the only class i feel like i can push myself enough in, because my mind gets wider everytime i go in.

oh oh oh, before i forget, i smoked tetrahydracannibinol from the cannabis sativa marijuana plant today! it was invigorating... most definitely. only because i forgot how to open my mouth and sing, and i kept saying 'you gave me butterflies? batterflies? butterflies in a CINDER BLOCK?! batteries! you just threw batteries at me!' ...i couldn't remember what had just happened. and i swore that i got hypothermia in greg's basement. but i felt good. :) you don't put batteries in the microphone, it's plugged in! yabitch, trying to confuse me and all that stuffs like that.

recently, there's been trouble everywhere. i keep having dreams about cops! and getting arrested or chased or almost dying and random things like that. sex and drugs and rock and roll and dodgers. i don't know what else to say, but there's something chasing us, and chasing the amazing weather. like, something is just catching up to me, mary, bryan, and greg. probably everyone else in my life but my life has just become mary, bryan and dan so i just don't know.

i'm burned out like a crazy person. tonight, i'm planning on taking a shower, making my hair grow with my fantastic idea (that dan will probably never understand) and then looking like shit tomorrow. it should be a good day, i guess. wednesday, short day at school. thursday, thanksgiving with the mussmons.. and mussmon-to-be. and whoever else will be sharing and giving the thanks with the homeskies. i'm pumped. all i gotta say.

damn fall out boy and their 'non-hiatus.' my eye is watering and a tear drop just fell on my toe. i must suck or something.

welcome to paradise.

God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news,

cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMYz5SteBBY&feature=related

I think if everyone just stopped and listened to every single word of this song, and maybe sang along, everything in the world would build up and collapse within two seconds of your imagination.

RESTINPEACE;;
best weekend of my life.
best day of my life.
best men of my life.
best girls of my life.

I love you Daniel Burns.
& Mary Gauthier.
& Bryan LaPan.
& Kayleigh McCargo.

my life is falling to pieces again. I think. I know. I might.

it's possible.

Why didn't anyone ever listen to Samantha Mumba?!

THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOWWWWW.

i'm singing. good sign. :) let me tell you a story. in bullets. cause it's what i'm finding out right now.

don't wanna love you if you don't love me.
don't wanna need you when you won't need me too.
don't wanna tell you this now, but it wouldn't be right
if i didn't tell you this tonight.

my name is emilie. i love my name. i love that people are jealous cause their parents gave them ugly names, and mine gave me a beautiful one. i came out of my mom's vagina on may sixteenth, 1994. i've gotten anywhere from looking thirteen years old to looking nineteen years old. i'm fifteen. it means chances are, i'm too young for you. and if i'm not... i'm too old for you, then. it's just how it goes. when i was little, my favorite toys were books. i was used to lots of attention from lots of people. at first, it was good. then i got fat. then it was bad; i'm on the horrible end of being italian. i have an ugly nose, bushy eyebrows, body hair in places women aren't supposed to have hair, love handles and thick thighs... but i'm also german, french and irish. can't complain. ever.
i look just like my paternal grandmother, and she's at 88 with at least two boyfriends still. i'm destined to be hot for the rest of my life.

when the bitches i used to call my friends decided they were too good for me, i decided i'd become too good for them. i can't say that enough, i just like the sound of it. you know what? it worked.
i'm in the process of picking up the pieces of myself that i've been leaving for people to keep walking all over and crushing some more. when all those pieces are picked up, they'll be put into something new and astonishing, i promise you.
but sometimes i still want to kill myself. i want to open up the ugly scars on my leg and just bleed to prove to myself that i'm not as invincible as i sometimes like to think i am. there's this boy. he's slowly changing all of that. (and he's also the only reason i'm typing this, cause he told me to post one.)

my favorite things in the world are probably clean sheets, turtles, crayons, coloring books, and the scent of vanilla. i have my next three tattoos planned out. dancing shapes my life. singing shapes my life. my friends shape my life. i'm almost as scared of death (of myself and the ones i love) as i am of life and the awful things that will happen to us. i love cuddling. i love kisses. i love good hugs. i love my boyfriend.

i hate bad blood with people. but, if i have a problem with you, i'll be the first person to say something. if i like you, i'll be the first person to say something. if i want you dead, i'll make sure you know. so sure that it might just scare you. i scream in peoples faces. if i can't scream in your face or make a joke at you, it means you're on my bad side. whether that means you make me uncomfortable or i'm afraid being in your vacinity will make me slit your throat... depends on you. whoever you are. i'm a nice person. i truly am. but the boy i sit next to in algebra now that mr. kohlreiser is number one on my shit list is scared of me. SCARED! i dislike.

thenthislittle part of thisblogwhere i expect noonereads because itsaboutdansiohfishfd
hello darling. it is seven thirty pm. if anyone is reading this far, it's you. or hayden. hello hayden, you're my best friend. dave albo. spaks inglsh. anyways. i feel as though you should know that you're twice as perfect as you were three seconds ago. cause i said so. ;) it's been ages since i felt like.. i've tripped over every word i said just to leave me hanging, somewhere between really high up and face down on concrete. where everything i say or do is wrong, but you totally make it feel like it was the way it was supposed to be, exactly. you make me giggleee when i kiss you and giggle even harder when you ask me why i'm laughing. it's cause i'm happy silleh. it's causeee you're cute and sweet and you made me blush. feel accomplished. i like you more everytime i talk to you, or hang out with you, and i've been finding myself getting pissssed off at my teachers when, AS SOON AS I GET MY PHONE, they're like, 'emilie what are you doing?!' so i totally slack on texting you. but if i could, i'd be talking to you all day. i can't get enough. and i likes it. :)
i thinks i loves you.
sidhfisf sdfoihsd sfdihsdf sdf hsdf sdf8uypa asdoaid h osama bin laden! is somewhere out there. he's such a smart man.

i'm passionate about green day. i'm also passionate about my hair, eyes, and philosophy. mostly eyes and philosophy, but my hair was the first thing that came to my mind. number one: green day is my favorite. band. ever. i'll give you the lyrics and meaning to any song you could name me. i know all of their real names. i know how they got their stage names. i know billie joe's kids names. i know every tour they've played. i know how they started. i know what kind of underwear billie joe wears. i know anything and everything, just about. you don't disrespect green day in my presence. EVER.
number two: my hair. you don't fuck with my hair. you don't put anything in it, you don't do anything to it without my consent, you don't threaten to cut it. you just don't do it.
number three: i'm fascinated with eyes. i'm a firm believer in them being the window into your soul, your heart and your mind. have you ever looked deeply into someones eyes? you can almost get lost. especially someone you could claim to be in love with, or at least lustful for. they make me speechless sometimes. chances are, more than once, i'll tell you, whoever you are, that i like your eyes. that they're pretty. gorgeous. beautiful. wonderful. cool. whatever. it's a good thing. don't just look at me weird. i have my intentions.
number four: philosophy. my number. one. ever. i'm probably one of the deepest persons you'll ever meet, if only i could put my feelings into words. it's all about drugs. i love marijuana. i love everything about it. i love the way it makes everything in the world make sense. ask my father; when i was high, i discovered the true meaning of true buddhism. when i was high, i realized that my dad found the true meaning of true buddhism while HE was high, back in 1970. the existentialism of everything in my head frightens the balls out of me. i'm constantly thinking of the way we exist. the way the earth just sits in the middle of nothing and everything at the same time. how everything is just a miracle. people who take jewelry boxes apart (yaknow the ones that play the music? with the needles? and wires?) could mess up the entire tune... the way every tiny little needle plucks the exact spot on a wire to make a beautiful sound.. a beautiful song. one little touch could ruin the entire thing. we just need to realize everything is just a miracle. if there could be a better way to put it, i'd put it that way. but there isn't. i can feel it in my heart. it's a good feeling.

you should try it sometime. :)

i fucking. love. life. i fucking love you. i love you. i love you.
"my friend said that whenever there's a new cute scene girl at this school, dan burns always steals them away."

MY HAIR IS GETTING SO LONG.
i have just left you on a very happy note. :)

Perfection is defined when your heart beats next to mine.

and time stands still for us.
my hand in your hair and yours on my chest,
moments with you are my life's best.
we crossed paths for a reason,
the planets aligned in that particular season.
it's clear to me that we'll eventually be
inseperable.i love your existance,
i can't get enough.

i thought i'd let you know that i no longer feel obliged to type with proper capitalization; no one reads this anyways. my head itches; probably a clear sign that i should clean it. already done it, don't feel like spending another hour and a half on it again. i'm wearing the only article of clothing i've ever purchased from forever 21; it's gorgeous. i want to wear it tomorrow, though i know the sick minds of sick people, and their sick desire to untie the back of the shirt and i'm not quite sure if the shirt is really worth that much. plus, i'd have to wear a jacket. who the fuck likes wearing jackets, anyways?

two days ago or so, i started singing to myself on the bridge, smoking my lucky cigarette. i liked it. i texted it to myself, word for word as i remembered what came out of my mouth. it sounded better than it looked on the cellular screen, but what can you do? i would put it in here, but it needs revision. i don't think it can see the light of a website just yet, or ever. hayden saw it. hayden liked it. hayden's... just a nice person. what a hateful song. well, poem, there's no definite rhythm. well there was, while i was singing it to myself. but fuck, i just need to shut up.

anyhoo. tell me why i'm so effing ecstatic and flared with the way life is going right now? today in history, i felt the need to hit someone. i felt and heard the blood being pumped from my heart, and i felt it jump like a cinder block just smashed it or something. i felt what it's like to hate, once more, a feeling that comes and goes whenever it fucking pleases. a little spark of conceit that has manifested itself somewhere in my heart, the notion of hate. and the kind of love i'm experiencing, is a commodity of nostalgia. the kind that still waits around for that phone call, the kind that knows it's coming, when it's not. the one that wants to kiss you and hit you and cry in your arms and run away from you. the kind that always misleads me, the kind that induces the hate. but it makes me so fucking happy inside.
you make me so happy inside.
why do you make me cry everytime i talk to you?

my pen could only write your name, you were filling every page so fast, then we fell and died away.
it's not supposed to be this way, i'm so far from okay.
if it's all the same, then it's just you that's okay.

i had the shittiest halloween of my life, but it's alright. i spent it with mary, dan and bryan, and everyone should know that i couldn't complain about those three. we're the shit. the good kind of shit. the kind you wish you were. i sound lame.

boyfriend!
i'm happy. absolutely happy. absolutely off the fucking wall, i want to brag to him about himself kind of happy. the kind where i want to be with him all the time, something i haven't experienced, no matter how hard i tried, in a while. the type in this respect that makes me want to tell him i love him whenever he makes me smile, and the kind that lets me know ahead of time that i'm getting to wrapped up in this already. he doesn't mind yet. but he will.

and with that being said, here's... more that i just want to get off my chest.

i hate liars. i hate everything about them.
i hate the boy who took my virginity. i want it back. i'll never get it back. the purest part of me, could have never been touched. but it's just so easy to be ripped away. you never know what you want, so you'd just give it away so easily. then you realize you'd give anything to have it back.
i hate his girlfriend. i want her to die. and if she died right now, it wouldn't even matter to me that i wasn't the one to get my vengeance. she fucking had it coming, and obviously something or someone else must think so too. (no death threats here, fairfax county police. go find some drug traffickers. no, don't do that.)
i hate that whenever i get slightly uncomfortable or nervous, i throw up.
i hate that it always happens when i want it to the LEAST. i.e. with boyfriend, people i just met, people i've previously tried to impress.. and there goes my stomach, right in fucking front of me.
again with the vomit, i hate when people try to hold my hair back when i puke. i just want people to leave me alone. wouldn't you?
i always want someone i care about to just hold me until they feel like they'll break me when i start punching and kicking, even if it's at nothing. make me cry, and then pick me back up again.
i hate when people tell me to calm down.
i hate when people tell other people to calm down when they don't have a fucking clue about anything that's going on or why they're upset in the first place. like virginity. like rape.
especially rape.
i hate the way alcohol makes me act, only sometimes.
i hate the way men take advantage of girls. who like them. who know they're fucking annoying because they just want their attention. the girls who don't just let you by, the one who NEEDS you.
i hate people who talk shit about green day just because of their recent music. come fucking see me, i'll show you.
i hate people who fuck with my friends.
i hate people who expect me not to get in their face and scream and curse and hit when they fuck with my friends.
i hate people who act SURPRISED when i get in their face and scream and curse and hit when they fuck with my friends.
needless to say, you don't fuck with my friends.
you don't talk about what you don't know about.
again, you don't fuck with my friends.
i need a punching bag.
someone kill him. kill them.
please.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
there goes the blood pumping again.

I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move.
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon.
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow.
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know.
We've had some times we'd trade for the world.
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go.

we live on front porches and swing life away,
we get by just fine here on minimum wage.
if love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
swing life away. swing life away. swing life away.
swing. life. away.



I love life.
I hate life.

everything about it is so exciting, until the disappointment arrives.

why do I see his face, even when my eyes are open? why has everything been blacked out of my memory until just now. it's just not fair.

this has already been the best school year of my life.
no one intimidates me. only memories. only when I can't control myself long enough to remember what happened while it was happening. long enough to not even realize my life would never, ever be the same.

you took it back, how could you go and do something like that?
my fingernail phase, the worst has got the best of you, I ask you and I know I need to change.
you took it back, you ripped my heart out of me, then you put it back.
I'm pulling my hair, I let you just a million times, I love you even though it isn't fair.

so about how wonderful life is... now that that's out of the way.
I hate the cold.
I love the cold.
I have a love/hate relationship... with the cold. it works when it's sunny jacket weather, or it's pouring rain and I can dance it it. I hate the cold unless I have someone to cuddle with. I love the colors of autumn. I hate the nakedness. I love Halloween. I hate November first. I love the hype. I hate the disappointment.

www.myspace.com/37107546

fine dan I'm done blogging.
random stuff.
I love you.

:)

I've been sitting here, waiting for hours to see your face again.

You can't keep anything skin deep
and what you can touch must turn to dust.


Well, I don't have a boyfriend, but I have that 'feeling like you're in a brand-fuckin'-new wonderful relationship' feeling. I can not complain.

An abundance of sunshine, once again. Tomorrow afternoon will be a spent on an hour of therapy. What a waste.

But I must correct myself. There is such a thing as a waste of time, and I've been experiencing it since the beginning of this year. I've realized that I can't write without being pessimistic. It's seemed like there's nothing I can pick apart because the only thing that imputes depth the majority of the time in my head are depressing thoughts. I'd be here typing this while I was high, but it wouldn't make any sense. oh fucking well, I guess I just suck.

I just want to let you know that I'm sooo satisfied with life right now. I hate the way guilt eats at me, and how I know I should stop being a stupid bitch and dump out the half-empty can of flat beer and get rid of the empty bottle of vodka from this past weekend, because everytime I get these feelings like something bad is gonna happen, it does. My creativity just had, like, a dinosaur shit on it, though. I thought I was doing well. it was the pride. maybe the chemicals. maybe the fact that I can't stop thinking about dis one kid and it's like PISSING ME OFF but not really. It's driving me stupid. But I'll still tell you, I'm so satisfied with it. This has already been the best school year of my life, and it can only get better. I haven't had a caffeine crash in so long, or at least not deadly like I used to. I stopped biting my nails (I can't remember if I blogged that before), because willpower is a wonderful thing. I've alternated between words like snazzy and wonderful and spectacular for about a month now; now that it's started, I don't think it's going to stop. Today, I was supposed to go on a photography field trip, but I didn't turn in my permission slip & janx so I didn't.

but I got kissed. :) worrrrrd.

I've started saying word quite frequently. It had never been habitual for me, but since I was three and my brother was drunk in the garage telling me to use 'word' & 'monay' & random shit like that, I've been thinking about that conversation more often then not. Works for me, I suppose. I've also been making ostrich noises, getting in arguments with Mr. Kohlreiser because he sucks at life & I'm wonderful, managing to only use my hall pass once this quarter, and following through on being organized in school.. for the most part. It'd totally help if I still had my locker combination sheet, because knowing myself, I'll probably go in there in March and be like, 'Yeah so I don't know my locker combination' & Mrs. Mandeville would be all WTF on my ass. and for the record, my father is still an asshole. he let everything go to his head and now he's just being lame. Sometimes I think he's a crazy motherfucker and can see what EVERYONE is doing on the internet... I'm telling you I'm terrified of this shit.

and anyways.

I've spent the last ten months and twenty days in every frame of mind that could possibly be imaginable for a human being. I have probably contributed one fifth of my endurance of tears to my lifetime since January of this year. But it seems like I've gained appreciation for every single thing on earth, and every single person I'll ever meet. It's like, they know something I may never learn in my lifetime, every single one of them has taken something from the world and mustered a thought that no other soul or mind could ever come up with. We're such fascinating beings sometimes. One single person in this world could be the one that finds the cure for cancer or gets us out of this galaxy, and all I've been wanting recently is to find out what it's like to be dead, to find out what it's like to be one with the earth and not with the complexity of what we're destroying our world with. I want to know how we're going to end, and I want to know when. I want to decide whether or not it's going to happen in my lifetime, if I'll ever get to hear all the things I thought I wanted to hear from the first boy I fell for, if I'll graduate high school, if I'll have kids, if I'll be the person people remember for generations. I want to figure out how to figure out the future. The only reason we're skeptic about dem Mayans, is because they didn't fuck up the world like we did. They knew what was going on, they were in touch with everything. We're in touch with nothing. We'll never know what it's like to exist, so one day, we'll find out what it's like to cease to exist. Before we even know what's going on. We got here too late, and no matter how bad I want to, I'll never know why it is this way.

...the internet is a scary thing. I think it'll end us. Don't even judge me. You're gonna think I'm so weird. fuckkk haha.

So when things progress.. you'll be the last to know, but you'll know. :)

We're fated to pretend.

I love when words just pop into my head and make me tear up, even if they don't make sense; they just flow in a way that breaks barriers all around me and makes everything fall right into place. When those words collide and give everything meaning, creativity reminds me I'm alive. I wish I could tell stories that everyone would relate to and envy, but I can't make words flow like that outside of my head. I'm just not that impressive... but I'll always try until something changes.

Tomorrow, autumn is supposed to become a lot less shitty. Tuesday's high is sixty-eight degrees... just thought I'd throw that in there a tad. There has been non-stop cold and rain for days now, and I've been just about ready to kill everyone around me if the sun didn't come out. I'm being very optomistic about this week, which hopefully means it'll finally be a good one. Last night, I cried more than I believe I've cried since Toby found out about John. But after tossing and turning for hours, I finally got a good night sleep after a really long talk with Toby. Things are looking up, I suppose. I'm done getting my hopes up, because it just makes me fall even harder. But, life happens. Whatever goes, and when it goes, it won't suck the life out of me anymore. I'm too happy to be sad :)

I love you.

Note to self: I miss you terribly.

I love you.

Cigarettes on cold days like this. I wonder if Cassandra misses her LB Bruins swearshirt, cause I've been wearing it avidly. Kelsey, I regret not being myself because karma punched me in the balls when I found out you were missing. I can't wait to see you again and fuck shit up massively. The color orange... I was going to paint my ceiling neon orange, or some shade of orange lighter than my ugly fucking carpet to return to the legacy of amazingness that my room carries. Autumn, because you bring me the smell of crisp sketch processes that are the blue prints for my long and mysterious school year. You're what I always remember most. Mouthwash, because you seem to fix everything.. and taste really good. It's rather convenient. Journals, because you never judge me. You don't hate me when I fuck you up and tell you all the mistakes I've made. When leaves start to fall and practically beg me to rake them up and jump into them. Creativity, because it's how I know I'm still alive.

I love being able to leave the hate behind me now, and I love being able to smile at people I've never met and sit places with people around me laughing and not have to think they're laughing about me. I like not breaking down and being silent when I'm sad and then lashing out at people for hours, and regretting it right after. I like being able to not want to fuck my former best friend up whenever I hear her name, but actually have her come over to my house and get drunk and hang out like we used to last year before everything fucked up.

I'm just excited for life in general now. it just doesn't get any better than this. :)


the weather is absolutely shitty. for as cold as it is right now, it should be snowing. but it's just too lame... I dislike it. a car crashed into the back of a school bus this morning. Ms. Ord let us all get up one by one to look at it, which probably makes her the coolest teacher ever (that, and how she helped dispose of one of her students explosives that were glued to his book project by flushing them down the toilet). I chose not to bring an umbrella to school today, as well as choosing to wear slippers with holes in the bottom of the soles so my feet and pants got soaked and froze, basically. other than that, my day was relatively good. though, I've had a pretty amazing week. Monday, Tori, Greg and I celebrated not having school by getting extremely smacked. there is no way I can object to that. Tuesday, walked aimlessly with Dan. Wednesday, walked aimlessly with Dan. Thursday, walked aimlessly with Dan, and went to Potomac Mills. there's no way I can object to that, either. he makes meh all happy, when he picks me flowers and whole entire fucking bushes and constantly reminds me of his lurkin'ness. it's irresistable, I must admit. tonight is Lauren's night. I'm intending to figure out what I'm doing to my room sometime soon. I apologize for my lack of sophisticated sounding words and randomly deep subjects, it's been a day or so since I've felt poetic at all and now I'm just blogging because I feel obliged to. I'm tired as ballsacks, you have no idea. I might as well go. I'll come back to you lovely bloggers who do not even care about my life when I have something radical to say.

I love you... again.

We're not underground by accident, there's only a select few that can handle this freek shit

What's my price and will you pay it
if it's alright?
Take it from my dignity and waste it til it's dead.
Throw me back into the gutter cause it's alright.
Find another pleasure fucker, drag 'em down to hell.

Cast out, buried in a hole.
Struck down, forcing me to fall.
Destroyed, giving up the fight.
Well I know I'm not alright.

When you were mine, you know we had it all in front of us, you were the one, I was in love. But you always hurt the one you lost, I couldn't get enough. You were everything that's bad for me, make no apologies. I'm crushed, black and blue. But you know, I'd do it all again for you.


I must tell you that I am rather happy with life right now. Things have been settled down for a while, I suppose, though at the same time I'm still the same all over the place nigger. It's all good for me. So I'm just going to tell everyone I love, that I love them. get ready, bitches.

dear Kayleigh;
you are my sunshiiinnneeee my only sunshiiineeeee you make me happyyyy when skies are graaayyyy.
I felt like you should be the first person I dedicated this to, since you're like, the one person I'll always go back to when shit gets fucked up. you're the only person who would buy me a gay little strawberry lollipop from Disney World even when we were fighting a very intense fight, and you were accompanied by the biggest cunt in the world, in my opinion. you make me lawl, when you geek out with me & you make me cry when you spit your loogies into ice cream & play with condoms & throw them into the bottom of my stairwell outside. I'll always have fun with you because no matter how easy it can be to get mad at you, it's so much easier to go back and say KAYLEIGH I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A CUNT & have you go '...it's okay I guess I was being a cunt too.' you're my best friend. well with a vagina. I couldn't live without you. you changed my life, even though you used to be scared of my little gothic lookin 12 year old ass ;) I love you, baby.

Lauren Ashley Pantycakes Mashaal;
You're still the Pantycakes I remember. & you're actually Pantycakes in my phone, as opposed to Lauren <33>Actually that's it. The world already knows how I feel about Hayden, and Toby already knows how I feel about Toby, and Dan already knows how I feel about Dan, and everyone else that is important to me at this very moment in time knows exactly how much I love them & would probably recall anything that's happened between us if I posted it in a blog, but I find that currently unnecessary. So I just won't do that. but I'll blog for future reference.

so today were the psat's. I dislike. Kevin had to shake me & wake me up before part 3 started, and then I felt really stupid because I didn't realize that I passed out in, like, three seconds. so I took caffeine in sixth period.. shhhh. I'm sure the little kid in the back of the class who's scared of me noticed, but at the same time I'm sure he's too scared of me to say anything about it. since he's the same boy who said something about too many caffeine pills in school and I got in his face going 'DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT CAFFEINE YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT' & then he like almost cried I swear. I don't feel bad. Well yeah I do. But the people I'm close to at soco can mock me. Not that kid. >.>

then I learned that I should not listen to Daniel Burns when he thinks he knows where he's going. but then again, I totally thought I did too. -.- I love my life.
I'm so happy with my life.
Everything's so perfect. There's no way anything could get me down right now. So go ahead and keep calling me on private saying 'You're a cumdumpster' because you're just so fucking cool, I love it. Just one more thing I love about my life. your prank calls. keep them coming douchers :)

I love love. I don't know what love is but the only thing I'm sure of is that my life, is wonderful.

DEAR EVERYONE, FROM JENNA & EMILIE

so here's a cook book

smorios - double stuffffffed oreos & smashed three musketeerrs in the oreo and roast it with a lighter & eat it
cheddar jack cheez its and extra cheddar blasted gold fish & SKITTLES in a bowl and eat mofucka and there you go.
WHUT.
skittles and goldfish taste suprisingly good together.
so the apocolypse right.

type something whore.

what should i type?? emilie is playing with her bellybutton. we should smoke more weed.


PC bbl

I miss you, boy. So sing it over again and over again and over again.

Very last day of summer. Obviously, instead of blogging, I should be writing my English assignment. Or typing it, or whatever. I should at least be doing something productive, since school starts tomorrow. But since it starts tomorrow, tonight is my night of creativity rather than productivity. I'm not sure if that's a word. I don't really give a shit. My dad's birthday is tomorrow; my mom and I made him a cake earlier (from scratch!) with our very own frosting, too (ALSO from scratch, obviously). But with my dad being gay and all, he didn't even take the cake home with him.. but it happens. I guess.

Tomorrow Obama is speaking in Arlington! which most likely means it will be aired tomorrow during school.. unless our county was one of the one's that opted out of the airing because Obama's black and all. Which definitely reminds me that earlier while my mom and I were putting together all the ingredients for the cake, I told her 'if this cake sucks, I'm going to kill Obama'... then I decided it would be my catch-phrase until I figured out something better, which happens more often than not.

In case none of you faggish bloggers noticed, my dad is still kind of an asshole. He's been telling me I deserve a break from my mother.

Let me tell you guyssss that I have been the best daughter in the world recently. Today she got extremely mad at me for trying to explain to her that she put way too many carrots in the cake. Recently, she's been getting extremely flared at every little thing in life, but it's not her; it's the disease. She promised me that it's not her getting mad at me, it's her being mad at herself for no longer understanding simple concepts she used to bestow upon me and the other people in her life. She doesn't even realize it anymore. What you guyssss have to understand that I am a hypocrite, a critic, a smartass and a whole variety of everything in between. but to my mother, I've become the most patient and mature person I can possibly muster out of all my traits, the flaws and perfections of them, and the way my parents raised me. She looked at me with the most belittling look and said, 'like you don't get angry' and I realized that it's been months since I've gotten angry or impatient with her, which I really never thought was possible since I've been an overdramatic teenager since I came out of the womb. But life happens. I'm totally ready to take it now.

anyways.
Hopefully this year will still turn out well. Sophomooooooores!

Speechless and redundant

Cause 'I love you's not enough, I'm lost for words.

Now Playing: More Than Memories - Stages and Stereos

It's a time like this where I feel the need to blog, but what I need to blog about is the type of shit I don't want to put on the internet. Makes me really wish I journaled more this summer, because now I can barely write.

Tomorrow is whatever dese nigga's call 'Stallion Stampede'. Every chick I know from that school and have as a friend on facebook has a status about it, so hopefully it'll be better than bruin blast. I have so much shit to do within the next seven days; school starts exactly a week from today. cleaning and summer reading assignment and baking a cake for my dad's birthday. Wonderful :)

So I didn't feel complete not blogging, sorta, so I'm here.
..I was asleep. but yeah. I'll blog later.

I watch the clock to make my timing just right.

Would it be okay, would it be okay, if I took your breath away?

You Had Me At Hello.

Sean Miller, you shaped my life.
you gave me butterflies at the mailbox. you had me at hello.
I learned so much from you, and you don't even know. don't talk to strangers & starting fires at city bus stops is a bad idea because fire trucks and cops tend to drive by.
you're the most lively kid I ever met, and it rubbed off on me, somehow. thank you.

Lauren Mashaal, you shaped my life.
I won't be dragged down by anyone anymore. especially you. thank you.

Cassie Porter, you shaped my life.
you wouldn't read this. but it's okay, because I don't know how to say what I need to say, anyways.

Kayleigh McCargo, you shaped my life.
I'll never go to a party at four in the morning without pregaming. again. ever.
and the thing about you, was that you knew you wouldn't be surprised when I went and cried to you. but you let me figure that out by myself. thank you.

This year is going to be the best year of my life. I can feel it. but the sad part is that it'll be over just as fast as it'll begin. I realized that I'm a good person, I've just made some bad choices. I know what to expect from life, and it's not as wonderful as I thought it was at the beginning of last year, running around having sex with drunk guys and hanging out on train tracks drinking Spike and eating Starbursts and random people waving at us, probably threatening to call the cops. This year will be better. I'm not taking those things for granted anymore, because I learned from that.

What have I gotten into this time around?
I know that I had sworn I'd never trust anyone again, but I didn't have to; you had me at hello.

I'll never hear this without crying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqmO5oEjVmI&feature=related

I'll blog later.

Run, baby, run. Don't ever look back.

Sterling, why do you always seem so far away, even when I'm moments away? it makes me shake, and cry, and wish for things I told myself I shouldn't wish for. It makes me want to jump out of the car and wait until I could get up the nerve to inch closer again.

Don't tell your heart, don't say we're not meant to be.
Run, baby, run, forever we'll be, you and me.

People are such painful creatures. they cause pain, they're in pain, they are pain. This time, I wish your pain, didn't rub off on me.

Should have been prepared.

I don't understand why I don't trust you now.
because maybe, right this second you won't talk to me because you're on the phone with her, just like you were last night. I thought things like this ended a while ago. Obviously they didn't, and I'm not the one to blame this time.

I want to forget everything but you won't let me, and you blame me for that.
I hated that you told me to get over my stupid little naive crush on Alex,
but what makes me believe your stupid little naive crush on her is any less significant?

cause you lied to me just as much as you tell me I lied to you.
and just because sex was involved doesn't mean it hurts you any fucking more than anything you did to me hurt.
and you told me I 'didn't have the right to be mad' because 'you said yourself, you told me I should find someone else.'

Sorry that you think that. I'm not telling you what you want to hear. So, talk to me when you want to hear what I want to say.

Your arms like towers, tower over me.

I'm in the mood for believing in myself.

My fingers only smell of the diet pills I crushed up into tiny pieces with a Red Devil blade and my right nostril is numb from vicks. Three weeks ago, I weighed 127.5 pounds, and five minutes ago, I weighed 115.5. I have dominated the majority of my from yards weeds. Yes, dominated. By myself, I have filled two 40-gallon bags of weeds and three 30-gallon bags. The last two showers I have taken have been two of the most wonderfully refreshing showers ever.

I have been taking my prozac for a countless amount of days straight. And I mean countless, as in, more than two weeks, just, I don't know by how much. I have been bonding with my paternal parental unit, Mr. John Francis Nichols, more than I've bonded with him in all of my fifteen years and nearly three months of breathing as a result of his little spermies. The conversation we had before we did gongyo together a few evenings ago consisted of his first acid trip, during which he had to run a cross-country race, and had his sophomore yearbook picture taken. The topic began over two bowls of ramen, one for both of us. He showed me his yearbook picture, when he was sixteen at Vancouver high, I think. I realized why he became Buddhist when he was sixteen; for the same reason I became Buddhist when I was fifteen. We both smoked a lot of dope and suddenly, all the meaning in the world became clear. We were both enlightened more than ever.

Through therapy, medication, and very, very helpful blogging, if you were to read my January posts, through February, til now, my relationship with my dad has gone from horrible to suddenly very good. Sometimes when I'm in my room (well more often then sometimes) I'll look out my window to the driveway to see if I heard his car. He's been coming by quite a bit later, so I usually keep him past his usual bed time. He retires on the 31st of December, although he reaches retirement age on the first day of school, the eighth of next month. Then, his daughter becomes his full time job.

As far as my relationship with Toby goes, it's always off the wall and back out and bouncing happily around again. We're so unhealthy that we're actually becoming healthy, and so dysfunctional that sometimes, we function better than anyone elses relationship possibly could. You wouldn't be able to understand us toenail biters, but that's the way our relationship should be. You're not supposed to understand us. That's what makes us so hard to crack open. The fighting and yelling and crying has began to subside, and the happiness and late night conversations, and cigarettes and incense outside my house at 2am talking about life after we've had sex, like, three times has taken its place. I'll leave room to complain, but the complaining will be saved for another day.

I'm listening to The Friday Night Boys right now, which is good. They calm me down. All their songs are like, whiney teenage boys talking about either getting laid or not getting laid or, sometimes, even someone else getting laid. I don't know. They're catchy. and local I think? Ask Julia, or better yet, Charlotte. Marcy. Whoever the fuck else I'm not affiliated with, even though apparently there are some good words out for me.

Anyways, let me tell you a love story.

There was once a girl named Emilie. She learned at a younger age than most that love doesn't come when you look for it.

She encountered a boy named Tobiah, in a way that you could only describe as fucking weird. He dated her best friend since birth, they'd broken up, and, simply, he became a cunt. So Emilie told him he was a bitch, and he told her she was a bitch. It was love.

They began talking on aim and myspace and eventually facebook very frequently, then through texts and late night phone calls that lasted into daylight. Eventually, something horrible happened between them and they lost contact. Emilie refused to answer his instant messages or gay little snippets of shit he'd send her on facebook chat, until she learned from this girl named Kayleigh that was her best friend at the time, that he'd been invited to a birthday party there was a possibility of her going to. She'd previously decided it wasn't really her thing, but then considered the fact that she'd probably not meet Toby in any other way, in a very long time, if ever. So she went.

Once they saw eachother, all the feelings from summer came rushing back. It was February 28, 2009, at University Mall during Rocky Horror Picture Show. In the theater, Emilie was sitting between Wes and.. someone else, because she sat down before Toby, although she was hoping to sit next to him. Then, she noticed the seat next to him was empty. She quickly moved seats to sit next to Michael Jaster, and then stalled briefly, then left to sit next to Toby. At first it was awkward, but, they were obviously in love and didn't know what to say to eachother. Emilie, however... had a boyfriend, named Greg.

By about 12:30am... Greg wasn't an issue.

They began dating on March fourteenth, 2009, after having sex for the first time (weird, right...). The relationship wasn't rocky at all, until Emilie stopped taking her medication, Toby needed to take his medication, and there was just a mix up of a lot of emotions that shouldn't have been there.

Right before her fifteenth birthday, Emilie met a boy named John (well, formally). After a few weeks, she decided she liked the boy. Things with Toby went downhill. Then, something horrible happened during a night filled with alcohol and a drive to McDonalds.

After that night, things had been changed for the rest of Emilie's life. She couldn't think of herself the same, and she didn't know how to explain to Toby what had happened, because she didn't know how to explain to herself how she could have possibly let it happen. Toby developed feelings for someone else, and found out about what happened between Emilie and John. Their relationship seemed shattered, especially while insults were being thrown, and comments about how anywhere was better than being around her, and loud swears the neighbors would expect from my household and anyone visiting it. And through the tears and punching the ground, somehow, Emilie managed to get up and tug on Toby's shirt and cry her eyeliner off onto his shirt, and eventually, Toby hugged her back. She couldn't lose him. She wouldn't lose him. and he must have been stupid to think either of them would let the other one let go.

Their story became one any couple would probably belittle and fear, but somehow, after all of that, they became two very strong people in a very strong relationship. After promises were broken, more were made. More that can't afford to be broken. They're two fucked up kids from two fucked up families, but they've made something beautiful, that no one else can and will ever get between again.

Say what you will, cause you would anyways. We don't care.
We both remember our very first kiss.
We remember being under a blanket in front of my front door.
that night was magical.

:) I love my boyfriend with all my FUCKING heart.
Don't ever ever ever doubt that.

My feet smell.

Hey douchebags, bitches and niggers (you get your own class). It is very difficult for me to type right now because I'm the retard that slammed her middle finger in the door of my mothers car. This blog is dedicated to the boy whose lap I am sitting on right now!

Hello world.
'you proppa changed' how gay? Pretty gay. Toby stop squeezing mah fat.

...hello world, again.
I love Toby. a super amount. :) He's so unimaginably cute. Tehe. Sometimes I do happen to feel bad because he is Aubrey's ex boyfriend, but.. FUCKKKK dat I don't care >: He's mah teddy bear.. that I have sex with. That's the only thing that sets him apart from a stuffed animal. Cause, I don't think I would have sex with a stuffed teddy bear. Anyway, he's amazing. No other guy would put up with me like this. And I try to put up with him too. ;D just kidding. It's not that hard. But YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE HE'S MINE NOT YOURS.
He's so sweet. He's like the only person who doesn't make me feel gross sometimes. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm gross. Shieeeet. I'm in love with him.
Duh.
End of story.

Because mah finger hurts and it's really hard not to type with it.

>.<

fuck my goddamn life.

Mom and dad don't look so hot these days, but my futures looking good.

This is the only place that will remind me of who I've been. and here's that person. Speaking to you, through a nice cold glass of nostalgia.

I am such a liar that when 'I tell it like it is,' half the time, it's a lie. I've adapted the art of making a lie the truth into my everyday routine. I don't even catch myself anymore. I can overexaggerate and to me, it's the truth. To everyone else, it's the truth. But I've learned in the past, and I continue to learn everyday, that it's easier to tell the truth, because you don't have to remember your story. I hope you understand what I mean.
I'm the type of person who needs quite a bit of downtime to collect all those thoughts, the true ones and the false ones, but sometimes even that escapes me. When I sit in my room thinking about something, it always becomes something else. Sometimes, I feel like my meaning has spiraled down into an existential creep. Then the lies atomize... and I don't like how that rhymed.

I'm not a liar, anymore. I'm not scared of myself anymore. Nor am I scared of anyone, but life and death. Only they control me. And, that's the way it's supposed to be.

I've had these friends, but they were the friends I obtained after I could count my best friends on four of my fingers. My thumb seemed insignificant, until Kayleigh came around.
I no longer wonder why my thumb is insignificant again.
Although friends come and go, I felt as though I had one I could count on. She counted on me more than I counted on her. Until things started to turn around, and she lost sight of what she always said she seeked in a friendship. Or maybe I'm the one that lost sight of it; maybe she never changed, I'm just dumb. But regardless, the time has come when I didn't need her anymore. We don't need eachother. It doesn't bother me one bit, today.
I anticipate it won't bother me all the upcoming tomorrow's, either. She's not coming back into my life.

And at one point, I think I honestly believed Lauren was a 'best friend'. I might as well not even go into that. If you and I are truly friends, and you are bored and/or intrigued enough to read this, you know where that ship went; down.

There are only a few people I believe that are vital to my existance. If they died today, I have no idea what I would do. But I have accepted that that is the only thing that controls them, too. Death can take any of us whenever death thinks it wants to take us.
Death doesn't lie, so right now, I don't know why people have to either.

If there is a God out there, somewhere, I bet he's a liar. But I'll just let people find that out on their own. I'm sure it'll hit them hard enough.

Under circumstances, I can't afford to be anything but a daughter, a sister and a friend. I've had my emotions fondled with so many times in so many different situations, that it breaks my heart to be negative toward anyone else. I've been working on frustration, and I'm trying to just will it all away. My stomach has been getting so sick lately. Whenever Toby is around Tori I get compellingly scared. When Toby's inbox would be full of her name, I don't know the emotions I felt, but I was uncomfortable. I'm trying to will it away. Because, I've learned through my endeavors with previous friends like Kayleigh, that when I'm betrayed in one way, it's more than likely to happen again.
He is vital to my existance. And the promises I made after John, will never be broken. But I'm so afraid to question or not question the promises he made me as well. I've been left so many times.

I'm terrified of wishes coming true. I was high one time not too terribly long ago, and I looked in the mirror; my lips looked fuller. I looked absolutely gawky. I was sucked into my mouth, via the mirror. I was convinced that it was because way prior to that day, I had wished that my lips looked different, and I swore they were. All of a sudden, in my mind, all my wishes were coming true. Everything was changing on me, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from myself and everything around me. I kept making wishes. I had wished my mother would get better; I feared she would die. I had wished my house would become a home; I feared it would burn to the ground. I had wished I never got kicked out of Lake Braddock; I feared that something horrible would happen to Lake Braddock and everything around it. I wanted to go to sleep, so I wished upon it; I feared I would die in my dream and never wake up again. There was no way to escape my wishes.

Since then, I have been careful not to wish. I think I do it subconsciously, which doensn't help me at all.

Plans are possibilities.

I'm trying to think of every second I live, as another second I've been alive.
Rather than every second I live, is another second closer to dying.


Stranded, lost inside myself
My own worst friend and my own closest enemy.
Branded, maladjusted
Never trusted anyone let alone myself.

I must insist on being a pessmist
I'm a loner in a catasrophic mind.

Well, I know I'm not alright.

Hello, blogger. I am enjoying the relationship I share with you. I believe no one reads this. But this is better than nothing for me.
I could just write a note in WordPad or something like that, but one of my worst fears is my computer crashing for the millionth time. Websites are so much easier for me to trust when it comes to this. I can always expect my thoughts and feelings to sit on the screen in front of me on whatever computer I log onto. How amazing?
How pathetic?

So, today I had therapy. It was good. On a scale of one to ten, my previous week was an eleven. My therapist seemed amused, but he didn't understand. The first topic was how I puked on the side of 495 yesterday. He didn't comprehend how that would make my week an eleven on a scale of one to ten. Actually, he didn't comprehend how I told him eleven out of ten, in the first place. My therapist enjoys my sense of humor, however, sometimes, I think he thinks I'd be easier if it wasn't there.
Our visits must be more unique to him, now that I think about the other patients I see walking in and out.
I then told him about Green Day, and how it was basically a magical and religious experience for me. My parents didn't share my enthusiasm, but I don't think they'd be able to if they tried. My therapist appreciated it. I then shared with him the circumstance that swallowed me, Lauren, Toby, Eddie, Tyler and Kayleigh into it. Fuck that circumstance, it can rot in hell. I don't know who they think they're hurting (and I believe I stated that before), but it's not going to be me. I am better than that. I have always been and I always will be. I will not let their selfishness get in the way of my happiness. That person evolved months ago, I'm never going back.

I showed my doctor pictures that ranged from my brother playing baseball in '91, to my first sink bath, to a photo of me and Alex, just so he could kind of get an idea of what the boy looks like. I showed him a picture from Memorial day last year, so he could see what Hayden looked like. He was topless and we were all in a dogpile, but it was the best I could find on all four of my walls. I don't have any film pictures of Toby, other than the photo of us kissing. But that's pointless to bring. You can't see our faces. I think I'll bring him my digital camera next time.

--

Today, I spoke to my mom about Toby finding a place to live -- in our home. She ok'd it for the most part, but I have to talk to my dad about it. I am pumped. One more reason to get this shithole back in order. Starting with the bathroom, so its condition is no longer the most embarassing thing in the world, and there are finally two sinks open for use, a bathtub that is able to be bathed in, and a floor that isn't too terribly horid to be walking on.

Right this moment, I love my life.
I am calm.

Hello from Toby's lap. :)

Today is the last day of July! Pathetic to say that I am sad to see it go. It sucked. Not going to lie to you.
...with the exception of two nights ago. TEHEHEH. Tobiah says, "Oh what?! Every day of the week I was here sucked?!" No it did not Tobiah. It's just me. :)

August, let's make it better than July. Pretty please.

Anyways, I'm blogging from my boyfriends lap simply because I have way too many thoughts and not a lot of places to express them. I type easier than I write so lemme blog. Maybe I'll copy this into notebook #2 sometime.

LET'S START WITH;
I'm a completely different person from when I was living in your shadow. You and your little circle of new friends don't understand what it's like to evolve, obviously. Yeah, I'm a cunt. Because I'm not your cunt anymore. I guess you're absolutely positively right. But as soon as you fucks decided you were too good for me, I decided I'd become too good for you. And I'm going to start to believe it's working.

Sophomore year begins September 8th; my fathers birthday. Yes, I went to Google and looked up the 2009 calendar to see which day of the month labor day fell on, so now I know. And hopefully I won't forget. I'm hoping it's so much better than freshman year. I'm hoping I stay with Toby throughout/at least for the majority of it. That alone would stop me from being the dumb whore I became in freshman year. But it's all good, I have friends. Well just kidding, I forgot I go to South County now. Shit.

...I hate those bitches.

Anyways. Toby wants to blog. So here's Toby from.. under Emilie. ;;;

TOBY'S BLOG: :O OM NOM NOM NOM

.. OK so basically hi anyone who reads this.. My name is Toby and I am currently dating the blogger who goes by the name of Emilie (: I am super happy with her. So basically this past week I've been with her at her house and been taken care of by her and her mother. I had a very good week and it was basically what I needed to get away from alot of stress at home. It was basically a vacation, even though it wasn't it felt like it. I feel very much at home here and it has adapted itself as a 2nd home. Emilie is watching over me and the random thoughts going in my head are that, 1. Wow my hair looks decent right now. 2. Emilie is soooooooooooooo pretty STOP BITING YOURT CHEEEKJGFEIKLAJFLI. 3. uhhh I should stop destroying my memory. 4. Uhhh DAMMIT emilie just reminded me that her vagina is on my leg. AWESOME. 5. ITS FUCKING AMAZING THAT TECHNOLOGY IS SOOO EPIC. If people weren't soo stupid and got off their asses and did more plugins for computers then shitttttttt, computers would be all I AM ROBOT on your asses. You guys probably don't understand what I'm talking about but the fact that this Blog AUTO FUCKING SAVES blows my god damn mind. Holy shit. 6. THIS KEYBOARD SUCKS. 7. I don't know. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST 8. Autosaved at 4:20 PM. LOLOLOLOLOL

So yeah I'm a pretty silly person if you read all that, but thats how I like myself and that's how Emilie likes me I guess.. But I like being silly around her because it makes her smile, and that's all I want to do (:

SO YEAHHHH 5 months is coming up soon eh? Hmmm I'm probably blogging alot more than you are, I don't know IM NOT SURE. Prove me wrong but I'm having fun expressing my thoughts on keyboard RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, I could totally talk but I'm too lazy to. I'm a strangeeee kid. Holy crap I'm hungry. NOEOTOJ OSOJ

okay Toby peace.

The party... before the hangover.

Let me tell you about the most amazing night of my life.

Let's begin with Green Day and end with WAS SPECTACULAR. It was literally a dream come true to be at that concert. Billie Joe played Christie Road and Good Riddance acoustic at the end. He asked how many old school Green Day fans there were and I flipped my shit. Then the band played 2000 Light Years Away. It was amazing to know the words to that song knowing there were so many people there who were given Green Day tickets because they purchased '21st Century Breakdown' and decided they fell in love with them. But there were some real big fans there, self included. It felt so good.

The room was full of people singing with their phones out and cameras they hid in their hood trying to capture the intensity. They pulled a few people onto the stage to sing Longview and another song I don't even remember anymore, and the last actual song was Jesus of Suburbia, in which Billie Joe got a member of the crowd in the front up on stage to play the entire song. At the end, he was like, 'somebody, buy this man a beer.' It was BEAUTIFUL. To me, there is absolutely no other way to put it. There were good vibes all around. During Boulevard of Broken Dreams, he stopped singing the first verse and everyone in the room filled in for him. He said, 'Oh shit. A room full of people singing. That's what I'm fucking talking about!'

I was proud to have been there. I wish I could relive that concert over and over again. The Kaiser Cheifs opened for them, but I have to say I couldn't get that into them. Maybe it was the hype that was crawling all through my body, where I wanted to scream and sing along already! I stood up during every song and clapped and it was obvious to me and probably everyone who saw me that I was waaaay into the music. But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Staring out of my window, watch as the cars go rollin' by
All my friends are gone and I've got nothing to do.
So I sit here patiently, watching the clock tick so slowly,
gotta get away or my brains will explode.

Give me something to do to kill some time
Take me to that place where I call home
Take away the strains of being lonely
Take me to tracks at Christie Road.

See the hills from afar, standing on my beat up car
The sun went down, and the night fills sky
Now I feel like me once again, as a train comes a'rollin in
Smoke my boredom gone, slap my brains up so high.

Give me something to do to kill some time
Take me to that place where I call home
Take away the strains of being lonely
Take me to the tracks at Christie Road.

Mother stay out of my way, of that place we go
We'll always seem to find our way to Christie Road
if there's one thing that I need
that makes me feel complete
well, I go to Christie Road, it's home.
It's home.

What's good, life? You suck, basically.

Words. They do a lot. But they don't do the job. Here's the job.

July.
is a month. My favorite month. The month where everything sort of comes together, in the middle of everything. It's basically the middle of the year, the middle of summer vacation, and it feels like I'm in the middle of some sort of fucking adventure, every July since 2007. Which, I know, has only been two and a half.. but I keep counting, since I don't know how many July's I will live through. This could be my last one. Or your last one. Somewhere out there, it's someone's last day, in the last July they'd ever experience.
I treasure July. The weather is my favorite. The sunsets are my favorite. The lack of activity seems to subside in the middle of summer. Things just go into a chaotic state for a bit and that's all I need sometimes. Weather gets me down. During the winter is when things get real bad for me, and it seems like my relationship with everything in the world is all downhill. But in July, things don't really get to me as much. You can't make me too terribly unhappy. It's like when you wake up on a Saturday with no plans and just say to yourself that today is going to be a good day. You're just dangling in the middle of a really really precious sequence of time. It never ends. No matter what, you'll always expect your favorite day of the week to come around, or your favorite time of day, or your favorite month of the year. It doesn't abandon you. Unlike everything else.

Parentals.
I feel absolutely horrible for children of controlling parents. Parents who call their kids losers because they don't have a million and one friends, and send their children away for trying to have a childhood. Kids who don't experience won't learn. I fucking hate closed-minded people. Especially when they are trying to raise a child. It's their job to raise the child, not to arrange the entire process that their life relies on. Gosdfihsofdiuh. I honestly just really wish that some fucking crazy trance fell upon every single human being and all at the same time, they just realized a deeper meaning to everything, inside their head, rather than looking to a fucking person in the sky. The person in the sky isn't going to shape you into the person you'll become. The person in your head and in your heart will.

RAAAWR.

Hey, blogger. I've realized a lot recently. Actually, I'm always realizing a lot. This is a gift.

I've realized that my stretching the truth has reached an amazingly pathetic limit, almost as if it is limitless. I realize now that, sometimes, it just comes naturally. I don't even have to think about lying. It's the truth in my head. It's the way I'd like to think things were to happen. You know? I feel like that is probably the worst habit one could ever have, and the fact that I have it disgusts me so terribly bad. And the pride that I've taken in myself for actually accomplishing, just made me feel shittier when I thought about it. I'd like to not believe in pride. I'd like to not believe in anything. I'd like to stop having realizations and figuring out deeper meanings because the ability to do this is so overwhelming. I couldn't put these things into words, and if I could, I couldn't tell anyone because they would literally think I am crazy. I told my mom I was magical when I was high. I feel as though I've realized that everything is a miracle. And the only way anyone will ever truly aquire knowledge is by embracing everything as a miracle, rather than destroying it to figure out what makes it such a miracle. Anything beautiful that we have been given, or given the ability to create, shouldn't be disturbed.

Life shouldn't be disturbed.
So stop disturbing it. It's your fault. But mostly, it's my fault.

Color me stupid.

I don't need a facebook quiz to tell me how well I know my friends.

I don't need a group online of people giving me their number. My real friends have my number. If they need me, they'll call me.

I've come to realize that the tunes inside jewelry boxes are a miracle.

I've come to realize people are never who you think they are. This has deeper meaning than I ever noticed before.

I've come to realize that the people with true morals don't have to hide to keep from hurting.

I've come to realize that people who talk a lot about themselves and the people they know and refer to as their 'friends' are nothing that they lead you to believe.

I've come to realize that the people who use drugs to see deeper inside themselves, realize that it was in them all along, but are too selfish to pick apart that concept and make it into something deeper, like, you don't really need drugs to see inside yourself.

I've come to realize that when I create, my creations have a vibe. And when I get the bad vibe, the vibe that a notebook will bring back ghosts everytime I open it, it is the scariest feeling I've experienced.

It's just how intuned I am with my mind and my body at the same time. It terrifies me.
I feel like I'm a complete different type of existance that's barely even existing compared to the world around me. I think about these things and own up to them, because if I keep them inside, where the fuck are they gonna go when I'm dead?

I've come to realize that life isn't even about building or creating yourself; it's about treasuring the existance of everything around you rather than treasuring the existance that is your self.

It's lonely on my own.

These are bad times. These are horrible times. Even though I have people to share them with, I don't have essence. Like, this summer won't be last summer. No summer will be last summer.



he's got deep eyes, but she's got a bottomless stomach
she's not trying to trip but she knows she's falling
every tear is another ocean, she's trying not to drown
but he constantly takes her breath away.

"this is the last time i'll tell you how i feel,"
these are a few touches of refinement.
"you make it so much harder to look in your eyes
now that i know it's over."

she must have forgotten how to close her eyes
because she hasn't slept in days so far.
every excuse not to talk about it gave him even more
cause she's scared of being picked apart.

"throw away the things i gave you,"
this is a new state of mind.
"i didn't want this to happen girl, but you're just
another one i'm leaving behind."



I miss you.

You used to be every little thing to calm my nerves.

I'll get the tab, if you lock the door, in an hour you'll be all mine. And this time, it's on me.

Tomorrow night, five girls and a lot of drugs.
Baby.
I'm pumped.

I'll blog more later.

May I say I loved you more?

And you said it would be funny to keep me hanging in suspense,
Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chain-link fence that borders your backyard
And I would climb through your window, and I'd whisper that I loved you
As you fell out of your clothes.
And we'd lay there in the darkness, like the dream of you I had
Where we captured all the fireflies and we knew what time we had could be counted on the fingertips that almost made you cry,
You let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes, and..

May I say I loved you more? May I say I loved you more?

And it must have been and hour that I clutched you in my arms,
And I must have said the right things, because you instantly felt warm
And you heard my heart stop beating, and you warned me not to cry
As your sympathetic whispers, they told a tale of bad goodbyes.
And I swore I saw you laughing, and you swore you saw me smile
And this time we spent together was meant to last us quite awhile
As I take this piece of you with me, I'll carry it to my grave
Knowing that for someone, you're an angel sent to save, and..

May I say I loved you more? May I say I loved you more?

Let's drink to memories we shared; down one, for all the hopes and cares.
Here's two, for being unaware that you're gone,
Because, before too long, you'll be a memory.

I never wanted it to end like this.
I never wanted this to happen.

We were so happy. I walked seven miles to go see him in ninety-five degree weather. And he'd sneak me into his house, and while I was waiting for him to devise the greatest plan in the world to do so, I'd listen to this song. I never thought we'd end up like this.

We did.

before too long, you'll be a memory.

I couldn't possibly need anyone. Not like I need you.

i need to hear his ringtone and actually know he purposely called me.
i need to hold his hand in the movie theater again like we're more important than the movie.
i need his body next to mine.
i need him to fall asleep in my bed leaving me with nothing to do but to try to fall asleep too..
after being awake all night waiting for six in the morning to come just to see him again.
i need him to make fun of the way i walk, and talk, and the stupid things i say.
i need him to sit in the backseat of his dads car with me again trying to sneak a kiss without him seeing.
i need to hear all the songs we used to slow dance to, and would play in the backround while we'd sit and just enjoy eachothers company and smile about them again, instead of having them make me cry.
i need to get on myspace and have five comments from him telling me he misses me.
i need to spend the last two hours of his birthday by the lake under the stars with him, talking about how we'd always be able to work out. cause it was true love. we thougt we knew.
i need him. i knew we knew.

I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. I'm tired of Toby and I making eachother feel like shit. I can't bring myself to delete Maryanne. I wish I could. Everything he says to ber and everything she says to him just makes me so upset. I don't know. I shouldn't care. But he doesn't care. I'm fucking tired of this shit. I'm tired of feeling like nothing he tells me is as honest as he says it is. But if I told him I didn't believe him, he'd go on a rampage about how I don't trust him, so he has no reason to trust me. I just can't be happy anymore.

John, I don't know about. I was supposed to spend tomorrow night doing SOMETHING with him, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I know I want it to happen. I haven't seen him in too long. But I don't want to hear the bullshit from other people about him. He's my friend, I like him, so what. He's a good guy. He knows he's a good guy. He's shy and he's a dork and he just makes me happy when I'm around him. That's all I need right now. Happiness.

I threw away what condoms I could find. Well, that's a lie.. I filled my last two (I think) up with shaving cream. One all by myself, one with Hayden and Julia. I don't need condoms anymore. I don't have anyone to have sex with so what's the point? Hayden and I were going to smoke, because we only had twenty minutes to do it before his mom came to pick him up, but we wasted our time trying to find a spot, then deciding to do it out my window, as soon as we were about to light the bowl, his mom turned the corner. Not even ironic.


I wish I could just. Go away. I just really want to walk away and get my mind off everything and lay in the middle of a field with no bugs and nice weather and I wish I could just cry. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I just need to cry.

I spend each night under the stars, formulation constellations for you.

I've realized, I don't like myself. And I've realized, if I were you, I wouldn't like me either.

I'm too insecure.
I'm too unnatural.
I'm too forgiving.
I'm too shy.
I'm too codependent.
I'm too clingy.
I'm too jealous.
I'm too loud.
I'm too drugged out.
I'm too much of everything I hate.

You're everywhere, every glance over my shoulder, every leaf that hits the ground, every moment I'm without you I fall apart, like a broken piece of record, I repeat all of my plea, I'm a mess without you darling, can't you see?

Last night, I wanted to call Alex. Well I did call Alex. And he picked up, again. But the thing is, he didn't really mean to. You know? I guess it was accidental. I should know better than to stay on the phone and say '..hello?' because I should know better than to expect him to say anything. I should know better than to expect ANYONE to say anything. I found a note I wrote him and hid back when we were dating at the end of 2007. It was just like, I don't know who I'm going to think about when I can't sleep anymore after this. And I don't know who I'll call when I pass a class or an SOL or something. I don't know whose name I'll write all over everything when you don't want anything to do with me anymore, and whose anniversary I'm supposed to remember and be all excited about. I wanted to call him and tell him about how today was my last day of school and tell him about my mom's brain scan and tell him that I decided to actually stop smoking and passed my biology final exam. And that I dyed my hair back to my natural hair color; very dark brown. I wanted to tell him he'd like it. But I guess those are some things that won't matter anymore by the time he gets his head out of his ass and realizes that I won't give up on him or us as fast as he wants me to.

So, as I said before - today was my last day of school! When I was at home for those two months after being excluded from Lake Braddock, I was just like... I'm not even looking forward to summer anymore. When you're in school, you just can't wait for summer. But when you're not, summer just isn't summer. Except for the fact that everyone else is out of school with you, but it's just not fun when you're not in school and don't have anything to look forward to. Anyway, I passed my English exam with a C+. 80%, chyeah. I was hoping I got better than that, but it's okay. I passed the course with a FREAKING B. I was amazed. But I think that's my only one, unless I managed to do an AMAZING job on my biology final and have it pull me up to, like, at least a D? C? SOMETHING?

But, yeah.

I'll blog more later. I have to clean my room.
"Haha that's some nigga shit." - John Defore.