This is the only place that will remind me of who I've been. and here's that person. Speaking to you, through a nice cold glass of nostalgia.
I am such a liar that when 'I tell it like it is,' half the time, it's a lie. I've adapted the art of making a lie the truth into my everyday routine. I don't even catch myself anymore. I can overexaggerate and to me, it's the truth. To everyone else, it's the truth. But I've learned in the past, and I continue to learn everyday, that it's easier to tell the truth, because you don't have to remember your story. I hope you understand what I mean.
I'm the type of person who needs quite a bit of downtime to collect all those thoughts, the true ones and the false ones, but sometimes even that escapes me. When I sit in my room thinking about something, it always becomes something else. Sometimes, I feel like my meaning has spiraled down into an existential creep. Then the lies atomize... and I don't like how that rhymed.
I'm not a liar, anymore. I'm not scared of myself anymore. Nor am I scared of anyone, but life and death. Only they control me. And, that's the way it's supposed to be.
I've had these friends, but they were the friends I obtained after I could count my best friends on four of my fingers. My thumb seemed insignificant, until Kayleigh came around.
I no longer wonder why my thumb is insignificant again.
Although friends come and go, I felt as though I had one I could count on. She counted on me more than I counted on her. Until things started to turn around, and she lost sight of what she always said she seeked in a friendship. Or maybe I'm the one that lost sight of it; maybe she never changed, I'm just dumb. But regardless, the time has come when I didn't need her anymore. We don't need eachother. It doesn't bother me one bit, today.
I anticipate it won't bother me all the upcoming tomorrow's, either. She's not coming back into my life.
And at one point, I think I honestly believed Lauren was a 'best friend'. I might as well not even go into that. If you and I are truly friends, and you are bored and/or intrigued enough to read this, you know where that ship went; down.
There are only a few people I believe that are vital to my existance. If they died today, I have no idea what I would do. But I have accepted that that is the only thing that controls them, too. Death can take any of us whenever death thinks it wants to take us.
Death doesn't lie, so right now, I don't know why people have to either.
If there is a God out there, somewhere, I bet he's a liar. But I'll just let people find that out on their own. I'm sure it'll hit them hard enough.
Under circumstances, I can't afford to be anything but a daughter, a sister and a friend. I've had my emotions fondled with so many times in so many different situations, that it breaks my heart to be negative toward anyone else. I've been working on frustration, and I'm trying to just will it all away. My stomach has been getting so sick lately. Whenever Toby is around Tori I get compellingly scared. When Toby's inbox would be full of her name, I don't know the emotions I felt, but I was uncomfortable. I'm trying to will it away. Because, I've learned through my endeavors with previous friends like Kayleigh, that when I'm betrayed in one way, it's more than likely to happen again.
He is vital to my existance. And the promises I made after John, will never be broken. But I'm so afraid to question or not question the promises he made me as well. I've been left so many times.
I'm terrified of wishes coming true. I was high one time not too terribly long ago, and I looked in the mirror; my lips looked fuller. I looked absolutely gawky. I was sucked into my mouth, via the mirror. I was convinced that it was because way prior to that day, I had wished that my lips looked different, and I swore they were. All of a sudden, in my mind, all my wishes were coming true. Everything was changing on me, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from myself and everything around me. I kept making wishes. I had wished my mother would get better; I feared she would die. I had wished my house would become a home; I feared it would burn to the ground. I had wished I never got kicked out of Lake Braddock; I feared that something horrible would happen to Lake Braddock and everything around it. I wanted to go to sleep, so I wished upon it; I feared I would die in my dream and never wake up again. There was no way to escape my wishes.
Since then, I have been careful not to wish. I think I do it subconsciously, which doensn't help me at all.
Plans are possibilities.
I'm trying to think of every second I live, as another second I've been alive.
Rather than every second I live, is another second closer to dying.
Stranded, lost inside myself
My own worst friend and my own closest enemy.
Branded, maladjusted
Never trusted anyone let alone myself.
I must insist on being a pessmist
I'm a loner in a catasrophic mind.
I am such a liar that when 'I tell it like it is,' half the time, it's a lie. I've adapted the art of making a lie the truth into my everyday routine. I don't even catch myself anymore. I can overexaggerate and to me, it's the truth. To everyone else, it's the truth. But I've learned in the past, and I continue to learn everyday, that it's easier to tell the truth, because you don't have to remember your story. I hope you understand what I mean.
I'm the type of person who needs quite a bit of downtime to collect all those thoughts, the true ones and the false ones, but sometimes even that escapes me. When I sit in my room thinking about something, it always becomes something else. Sometimes, I feel like my meaning has spiraled down into an existential creep. Then the lies atomize... and I don't like how that rhymed.
I'm not a liar, anymore. I'm not scared of myself anymore. Nor am I scared of anyone, but life and death. Only they control me. And, that's the way it's supposed to be.
I've had these friends, but they were the friends I obtained after I could count my best friends on four of my fingers. My thumb seemed insignificant, until Kayleigh came around.
I no longer wonder why my thumb is insignificant again.
Although friends come and go, I felt as though I had one I could count on. She counted on me more than I counted on her. Until things started to turn around, and she lost sight of what she always said she seeked in a friendship. Or maybe I'm the one that lost sight of it; maybe she never changed, I'm just dumb. But regardless, the time has come when I didn't need her anymore. We don't need eachother. It doesn't bother me one bit, today.
I anticipate it won't bother me all the upcoming tomorrow's, either. She's not coming back into my life.
And at one point, I think I honestly believed Lauren was a 'best friend'. I might as well not even go into that. If you and I are truly friends, and you are bored and/or intrigued enough to read this, you know where that ship went; down.
There are only a few people I believe that are vital to my existance. If they died today, I have no idea what I would do. But I have accepted that that is the only thing that controls them, too. Death can take any of us whenever death thinks it wants to take us.
Death doesn't lie, so right now, I don't know why people have to either.
If there is a God out there, somewhere, I bet he's a liar. But I'll just let people find that out on their own. I'm sure it'll hit them hard enough.
Under circumstances, I can't afford to be anything but a daughter, a sister and a friend. I've had my emotions fondled with so many times in so many different situations, that it breaks my heart to be negative toward anyone else. I've been working on frustration, and I'm trying to just will it all away. My stomach has been getting so sick lately. Whenever Toby is around Tori I get compellingly scared. When Toby's inbox would be full of her name, I don't know the emotions I felt, but I was uncomfortable. I'm trying to will it away. Because, I've learned through my endeavors with previous friends like Kayleigh, that when I'm betrayed in one way, it's more than likely to happen again.
He is vital to my existance. And the promises I made after John, will never be broken. But I'm so afraid to question or not question the promises he made me as well. I've been left so many times.
I'm terrified of wishes coming true. I was high one time not too terribly long ago, and I looked in the mirror; my lips looked fuller. I looked absolutely gawky. I was sucked into my mouth, via the mirror. I was convinced that it was because way prior to that day, I had wished that my lips looked different, and I swore they were. All of a sudden, in my mind, all my wishes were coming true. Everything was changing on me, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from myself and everything around me. I kept making wishes. I had wished my mother would get better; I feared she would die. I had wished my house would become a home; I feared it would burn to the ground. I had wished I never got kicked out of Lake Braddock; I feared that something horrible would happen to Lake Braddock and everything around it. I wanted to go to sleep, so I wished upon it; I feared I would die in my dream and never wake up again. There was no way to escape my wishes.
Since then, I have been careful not to wish. I think I do it subconsciously, which doensn't help me at all.
Plans are possibilities.
I'm trying to think of every second I live, as another second I've been alive.
Rather than every second I live, is another second closer to dying.
Stranded, lost inside myself
My own worst friend and my own closest enemy.
Branded, maladjusted
Never trusted anyone let alone myself.
I must insist on being a pessmist
I'm a loner in a catasrophic mind.
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