You can't keep anything skin deep
and what you can touch must turn to dust.
Well, I don't have a boyfriend, but I have that 'feeling like you're in a brand-fuckin'-new wonderful relationship' feeling. I can not complain.
An abundance of sunshine, once again. Tomorrow afternoon will be a spent on an hour of therapy. What a waste.
But I must correct myself. There is such a thing as a waste of time, and I've been experiencing it since the beginning of this year. I've realized that I can't write without being pessimistic. It's seemed like there's nothing I can pick apart because the only thing that imputes depth the majority of the time in my head are depressing thoughts. I'd be here typing this while I was high, but it wouldn't make any sense. oh fucking well, I guess I just suck.
I just want to let you know that I'm sooo satisfied with life right now. I hate the way guilt eats at me, and how I know I should stop being a stupid bitch and dump out the half-empty can of flat beer and get rid of the empty bottle of vodka from this past weekend, because everytime I get these feelings like something bad is gonna happen, it does. My creativity just had, like, a dinosaur shit on it, though. I thought I was doing well. it was the pride. maybe the chemicals. maybe the fact that I can't stop thinking about dis one kid and it's like PISSING ME OFF but not really. It's driving me stupid. But I'll still tell you, I'm so satisfied with it. This has already been the best school year of my life, and it can only get better. I haven't had a caffeine crash in so long, or at least not deadly like I used to. I stopped biting my nails (I can't remember if I blogged that before), because willpower is a wonderful thing. I've alternated between words like snazzy and wonderful and spectacular for about a month now; now that it's started, I don't think it's going to stop. Today, I was supposed to go on a photography field trip, but I didn't turn in my permission slip & janx so I didn't.
but I got kissed. :) worrrrrd.
I've started saying word quite frequently. It had never been habitual for me, but since I was three and my brother was drunk in the garage telling me to use 'word' & 'monay' & random shit like that, I've been thinking about that conversation more often then not. Works for me, I suppose. I've also been making ostrich noises, getting in arguments with Mr. Kohlreiser because he sucks at life & I'm wonderful, managing to only use my hall pass once this quarter, and following through on being organized in school.. for the most part. It'd totally help if I still had my locker combination sheet, because knowing myself, I'll probably go in there in March and be like, 'Yeah so I don't know my locker combination' & Mrs. Mandeville would be all WTF on my ass. and for the record, my father is still an asshole. he let everything go to his head and now he's just being lame. Sometimes I think he's a crazy motherfucker and can see what EVERYONE is doing on the internet... I'm telling you I'm terrified of this shit.
and anyways.
I've spent the last ten months and twenty days in every frame of mind that could possibly be imaginable for a human being. I have probably contributed one fifth of my endurance of tears to my lifetime since January of this year. But it seems like I've gained appreciation for every single thing on earth, and every single person I'll ever meet. It's like, they know something I may never learn in my lifetime, every single one of them has taken something from the world and mustered a thought that no other soul or mind could ever come up with. We're such fascinating beings sometimes. One single person in this world could be the one that finds the cure for cancer or gets us out of this galaxy, and all I've been wanting recently is to find out what it's like to be dead, to find out what it's like to be one with the earth and not with the complexity of what we're destroying our world with. I want to know how we're going to end, and I want to know when. I want to decide whether or not it's going to happen in my lifetime, if I'll ever get to hear all the things I thought I wanted to hear from the first boy I fell for, if I'll graduate high school, if I'll have kids, if I'll be the person people remember for generations. I want to figure out how to figure out the future. The only reason we're skeptic about dem Mayans, is because they didn't fuck up the world like we did. They knew what was going on, they were in touch with everything. We're in touch with nothing. We'll never know what it's like to exist, so one day, we'll find out what it's like to cease to exist. Before we even know what's going on. We got here too late, and no matter how bad I want to, I'll never know why it is this way.
...the internet is a scary thing. I think it'll end us. Don't even judge me. You're gonna think I'm so weird. fuckkk haha.
So when things progress.. you'll be the last to know, but you'll know. :)
and what you can touch must turn to dust.
Well, I don't have a boyfriend, but I have that 'feeling like you're in a brand-fuckin'-new wonderful relationship' feeling. I can not complain.
An abundance of sunshine, once again. Tomorrow afternoon will be a spent on an hour of therapy. What a waste.
But I must correct myself. There is such a thing as a waste of time, and I've been experiencing it since the beginning of this year. I've realized that I can't write without being pessimistic. It's seemed like there's nothing I can pick apart because the only thing that imputes depth the majority of the time in my head are depressing thoughts. I'd be here typing this while I was high, but it wouldn't make any sense. oh fucking well, I guess I just suck.
I just want to let you know that I'm sooo satisfied with life right now. I hate the way guilt eats at me, and how I know I should stop being a stupid bitch and dump out the half-empty can of flat beer and get rid of the empty bottle of vodka from this past weekend, because everytime I get these feelings like something bad is gonna happen, it does. My creativity just had, like, a dinosaur shit on it, though. I thought I was doing well. it was the pride. maybe the chemicals. maybe the fact that I can't stop thinking about dis one kid and it's like PISSING ME OFF but not really. It's driving me stupid. But I'll still tell you, I'm so satisfied with it. This has already been the best school year of my life, and it can only get better. I haven't had a caffeine crash in so long, or at least not deadly like I used to. I stopped biting my nails (I can't remember if I blogged that before), because willpower is a wonderful thing. I've alternated between words like snazzy and wonderful and spectacular for about a month now; now that it's started, I don't think it's going to stop. Today, I was supposed to go on a photography field trip, but I didn't turn in my permission slip & janx so I didn't.
but I got kissed. :) worrrrrd.
I've started saying word quite frequently. It had never been habitual for me, but since I was three and my brother was drunk in the garage telling me to use 'word' & 'monay' & random shit like that, I've been thinking about that conversation more often then not. Works for me, I suppose. I've also been making ostrich noises, getting in arguments with Mr. Kohlreiser because he sucks at life & I'm wonderful, managing to only use my hall pass once this quarter, and following through on being organized in school.. for the most part. It'd totally help if I still had my locker combination sheet, because knowing myself, I'll probably go in there in March and be like, 'Yeah so I don't know my locker combination' & Mrs. Mandeville would be all WTF on my ass. and for the record, my father is still an asshole. he let everything go to his head and now he's just being lame. Sometimes I think he's a crazy motherfucker and can see what EVERYONE is doing on the internet... I'm telling you I'm terrified of this shit.
and anyways.
I've spent the last ten months and twenty days in every frame of mind that could possibly be imaginable for a human being. I have probably contributed one fifth of my endurance of tears to my lifetime since January of this year. But it seems like I've gained appreciation for every single thing on earth, and every single person I'll ever meet. It's like, they know something I may never learn in my lifetime, every single one of them has taken something from the world and mustered a thought that no other soul or mind could ever come up with. We're such fascinating beings sometimes. One single person in this world could be the one that finds the cure for cancer or gets us out of this galaxy, and all I've been wanting recently is to find out what it's like to be dead, to find out what it's like to be one with the earth and not with the complexity of what we're destroying our world with. I want to know how we're going to end, and I want to know when. I want to decide whether or not it's going to happen in my lifetime, if I'll ever get to hear all the things I thought I wanted to hear from the first boy I fell for, if I'll graduate high school, if I'll have kids, if I'll be the person people remember for generations. I want to figure out how to figure out the future. The only reason we're skeptic about dem Mayans, is because they didn't fuck up the world like we did. They knew what was going on, they were in touch with everything. We're in touch with nothing. We'll never know what it's like to exist, so one day, we'll find out what it's like to cease to exist. Before we even know what's going on. We got here too late, and no matter how bad I want to, I'll never know why it is this way.
...the internet is a scary thing. I think it'll end us. Don't even judge me. You're gonna think I'm so weird. fuckkk haha.
So when things progress.. you'll be the last to know, but you'll know. :)
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