Marry me, stay the same

Lie to me and try to say you never will.

Being faced with what I'm faced with, I feel
Like I can't rock. A rock hit my heart,
Start to chain the day, exploded into pieces.

I woke up in a really good mood yesterday, but it kind of seemed like everybody had something out to get me. MC decided she's going to stay with Nick. That was probably the lowest point of my day. My cramps decided they weren't going to let me go back to sleep. My mom decided we had to leave for Walmart and post at, like, 9 in the morning. And winter... don't get me fucking started on how bad I wish I could kick winter's ass. I was going to smoke with Bobby and maybe Hayden, but Bobby went from being like 'Yeah I have some,' to 'Sorry, don't have any,' to 'I'll bring my friends and we'll all throw down,' to 'I'm broke.' So that was pointless. Hah, we're not even friends; we're basically just using eachother for weed. -.- Then my phone decided to shit out and did the same thing that it did forever ago, where it wouldn't let me do anything. I had service but it told me I didn't? Idk. So I eventually just turned it off and went to sleep. And apparently Hayden and Bobby had both been calling me non-stop last night. So yeah, basically, my day still sucked. I cried in the car because I'm a nostalgic bitch and all I could think about was everything that Nick and I went through together. And no, I won't get over it. I can't get over it, and I refuse to try. It won't work. And obviously, I don't want it to work. I want things to go back to the way they were. But no... I don't even know.

I've also come to the realization that, no matter how serious I am about this whole Alex thing working out, the fact still remains that we're only fourteen. I don't want to spend four or six or ten years waiting to have the person I'd do anything for at any given time, just to be let down, and have been wasting my entire life on something that no one could truly promise me. All the plans we've ever made, probably won't mean anything by the time we're both legal. Us living together and getting married and having kids that are all named after band members and songs. I've lost hope in getting over people. See: Nick; first paragraph; recent blogs; my LIFE. I don't want to be let down again and again. And if he's only trying to get my hopes up to keep me alive, it's fucked up. I'd rather just know now. Then I can stop wasting time and space and being miserable and I can just let everyone do what they want, without me getting in their way and pissing them off and hurting myself in the process. See: Nick; MC.

Although, I can't say I didn't warn myself this would happen, from the day I fell for him and he was already dating Jessie, to the day we hooked up at the mall with Aubrey and Christian, to the day we got together, to the day we broke up. The first, second and basically third time (we weren't officially together, we just really liked eachother and began having sex again and shit). And I can't say I didn't warn MC; I tried my hardest. I got so excited a couple days ago. For nothing. :/ I can't say it doesn't hurt. It hurts way too bad for words. I'm sure she knows it hurts me way too bad for words, too. But it doesn't mean anything. I understand what I've put people through and I understand I need to change. But the shit Nick put me through... it just isn't fair that I can't get over him. And Alex... I don't even know what's real anymore. It's real love, I know that. But if he feels the same, honestly, and we'll both feel the same when it counts... who the fuck knows.