I promise you, I swore it would work.
I wrote a note;
It said I loved my mom. It said call Alex and tell him I love him. Tell him to marry someone that makes him truly happy, that he can spend the rest of his life with. Tell him that I always wanted to be with him forever, no matter what. Alex is the most amazing brother I could ever have. That he and Liz were going to get married, and I promised I'd find a way to see it.. I believe it's possible. It said Hayden gets everything, and he's the only one allowed to read any and all of my journals. It said I wanted them either burned or sent to Alex. Or burned THEN sent to Alex. Either works. It said tell Nick he'd always be worth the wait, and worth being miserable (even if he may not be). I don't remember what else it may have said, but, it's still on my bedroom floor, where I was curled up, thinking of all the possible reasons I wanted it all to just end.
I locked myself in my room and tried to get ahold of Alex, to tell him I loved him. But everytime we spoke, it was brief.. and I couldn't get up the courage to tell him anything I was planning, or even that I was in love with him. Tears just started falling even harder and I could speak because of my lack of breath and stability. I thought that I'd be fine if I just spoke to him one last time, and told him he's the most important thing in the world to me. See, I like thinking that there's something there for us in the future. But I don't like the fact that, it's not guaranteed. I don't want to be set up for a let down or heartbreak. I don't want to wait and wait and then realize, what I was waiting for isn't even going to come. With what I did last night, everything was either black or white. If I don't spend the rest of my life with Alex, there's nothing else to look forward to. And if there's nothing else to look forward to, why waste my time being miserable, waiting for happiness, when obviously it's not going to come?
I emptied a bunch of Prozac pills onto my bed. The tens and twenties were all mixed up, and I had no idea which was which. I thought, and thought, and thought. I was wrapped up in an electric blanket that wasn't turned on in my extremely cold room. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable, physically as well as mentally. I've been sore recently from dancing, trying to make use of myself and my time. My legs hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt, and I was just hurting emotionally even worse. I kept trying to call Alex, and crying, and went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. No make-up, which made me feel even worse. I kind of think that if I'd maybe just taken a long shower and put on makeup and made myself feel all pretty and shit, things would be different. But on the otherhand, I still feel like I want to die, so... it didn't do shit.
I went back into my room and picked up all the pills. My mom was in bed, it was dark, and I don't think she could tell I was going downstairs. I got a cup out of the cabinet, filled it with water, and started popping, one by one. I was high, and dizzy, and loopy. Kind of like I just smoked the biggest joint of my life. I was numb, like I was on vicodin, and rambling, like I was drinking. I tripped over my own feet and ran into doors... it was darker since I took the pills than it was even beforehand. I went back upstairs and fell on the floor in my mom's room. I did something similar to the first time I came home stoned. I went 'Mommy, we have a problem.' and told her what happened. She told me to go puke, but I was saying something about how I didn't want to and how I just wanted them all to do what I wanted them to do. I told her not to make me go to the hospital because I didn't want my stomach pumped. But, yeah, she made me. When she left the bathroom to go back into her bedroom.. I popped more. (God, I keep wanting to type pooped.)
After a couple minutes of rolling around and mumbling some more, we got on the road to the hospital. I wouldn't shut up, or stay still. All the lights on the parkway were so bright. We got there and I was basically immediately questioned about what I took, how much I took, etc. and placed on a bed with an IV in my arm and EKG monitors attatched to me. Lauren decided she was going to come and stay with me for a while, which was good. So she did, right after I finished the entire cup of charcoal mixed with chocolate syrup, the most disgusting thing of my life. Blah blah blah, we wait... then I'm told I'm getting admitted to Fairfax inova. How fun. So Lauren and her dad go home, and finally I get put in an ambulance bed and taken to the other hospital. I don't get to sleep for, like, forever, because more and more people had to ask me questions until about 5:30 in the morning.
I fell asleep again during the inauguration, which I had been waiting for the swearing in since 8am, then woken up for breakfast. I got finger food, because they wouldn't give me utensils. Exciting. Then my mom and brother came back in, which was exciting... followed by my dad. Not so great. I ate lunch, my mom brought a couple articles of clothing from home (which I didn't need, because I was discharged about an hour and a half later), and I refused to let them leave. We watched more CNN and shit, and then finally I was released. Fun fun fun. No promises that it won't happen again, it just won't be for a while. A long while. I at least need to live long enough for Alex to teach me how to drive... and then I could go to Sterling whenever the fuck I wanted to! It'd be amazing.
So needless to say... I am tired. Extremely, extremely tired. By the way, the bathrooms at the hospital are crazy. Not as bad as in jail, where there's a hole in the middle of the room shared with a bunch of other people with no privacy. At least there's a curtain, but I think when you're in there for the reason I was, they make your babysitter go in the bathroom with you. I was pissed. I think it's sad that I still don't think of it as "trying to kill myself wasn't worth everything I had to go through in the hospital," I think of it as "being alive isn't worth everything I had to go through in the hospital, and will go through for the rest of my life." Hopefully it will change. I went to therapy right after I got home from the hospital, and I'm going again tomorrow and 1pm. No school, yusss. My main concern at the moment, is sleep. I swear, I will have the best sleep of my life tonight. I think.
I can promise that... I'm not making any promises. I love contradicting myself.
I wrote a note;
It said I loved my mom. It said call Alex and tell him I love him. Tell him to marry someone that makes him truly happy, that he can spend the rest of his life with. Tell him that I always wanted to be with him forever, no matter what. Alex is the most amazing brother I could ever have. That he and Liz were going to get married, and I promised I'd find a way to see it.. I believe it's possible. It said Hayden gets everything, and he's the only one allowed to read any and all of my journals. It said I wanted them either burned or sent to Alex. Or burned THEN sent to Alex. Either works. It said tell Nick he'd always be worth the wait, and worth being miserable (even if he may not be). I don't remember what else it may have said, but, it's still on my bedroom floor, where I was curled up, thinking of all the possible reasons I wanted it all to just end.
I locked myself in my room and tried to get ahold of Alex, to tell him I loved him. But everytime we spoke, it was brief.. and I couldn't get up the courage to tell him anything I was planning, or even that I was in love with him. Tears just started falling even harder and I could speak because of my lack of breath and stability. I thought that I'd be fine if I just spoke to him one last time, and told him he's the most important thing in the world to me. See, I like thinking that there's something there for us in the future. But I don't like the fact that, it's not guaranteed. I don't want to be set up for a let down or heartbreak. I don't want to wait and wait and then realize, what I was waiting for isn't even going to come. With what I did last night, everything was either black or white. If I don't spend the rest of my life with Alex, there's nothing else to look forward to. And if there's nothing else to look forward to, why waste my time being miserable, waiting for happiness, when obviously it's not going to come?
I emptied a bunch of Prozac pills onto my bed. The tens and twenties were all mixed up, and I had no idea which was which. I thought, and thought, and thought. I was wrapped up in an electric blanket that wasn't turned on in my extremely cold room. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable, physically as well as mentally. I've been sore recently from dancing, trying to make use of myself and my time. My legs hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt, and I was just hurting emotionally even worse. I kept trying to call Alex, and crying, and went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. No make-up, which made me feel even worse. I kind of think that if I'd maybe just taken a long shower and put on makeup and made myself feel all pretty and shit, things would be different. But on the otherhand, I still feel like I want to die, so... it didn't do shit.
I went back into my room and picked up all the pills. My mom was in bed, it was dark, and I don't think she could tell I was going downstairs. I got a cup out of the cabinet, filled it with water, and started popping, one by one. I was high, and dizzy, and loopy. Kind of like I just smoked the biggest joint of my life. I was numb, like I was on vicodin, and rambling, like I was drinking. I tripped over my own feet and ran into doors... it was darker since I took the pills than it was even beforehand. I went back upstairs and fell on the floor in my mom's room. I did something similar to the first time I came home stoned. I went 'Mommy, we have a problem.' and told her what happened. She told me to go puke, but I was saying something about how I didn't want to and how I just wanted them all to do what I wanted them to do. I told her not to make me go to the hospital because I didn't want my stomach pumped. But, yeah, she made me. When she left the bathroom to go back into her bedroom.. I popped more. (God, I keep wanting to type pooped.)
After a couple minutes of rolling around and mumbling some more, we got on the road to the hospital. I wouldn't shut up, or stay still. All the lights on the parkway were so bright. We got there and I was basically immediately questioned about what I took, how much I took, etc. and placed on a bed with an IV in my arm and EKG monitors attatched to me. Lauren decided she was going to come and stay with me for a while, which was good. So she did, right after I finished the entire cup of charcoal mixed with chocolate syrup, the most disgusting thing of my life. Blah blah blah, we wait... then I'm told I'm getting admitted to Fairfax inova. How fun. So Lauren and her dad go home, and finally I get put in an ambulance bed and taken to the other hospital. I don't get to sleep for, like, forever, because more and more people had to ask me questions until about 5:30 in the morning.
I fell asleep again during the inauguration, which I had been waiting for the swearing in since 8am, then woken up for breakfast. I got finger food, because they wouldn't give me utensils. Exciting. Then my mom and brother came back in, which was exciting... followed by my dad. Not so great. I ate lunch, my mom brought a couple articles of clothing from home (which I didn't need, because I was discharged about an hour and a half later), and I refused to let them leave. We watched more CNN and shit, and then finally I was released. Fun fun fun. No promises that it won't happen again, it just won't be for a while. A long while. I at least need to live long enough for Alex to teach me how to drive... and then I could go to Sterling whenever the fuck I wanted to! It'd be amazing.
So needless to say... I am tired. Extremely, extremely tired. By the way, the bathrooms at the hospital are crazy. Not as bad as in jail, where there's a hole in the middle of the room shared with a bunch of other people with no privacy. At least there's a curtain, but I think when you're in there for the reason I was, they make your babysitter go in the bathroom with you. I was pissed. I think it's sad that I still don't think of it as "trying to kill myself wasn't worth everything I had to go through in the hospital," I think of it as "being alive isn't worth everything I had to go through in the hospital, and will go through for the rest of my life." Hopefully it will change. I went to therapy right after I got home from the hospital, and I'm going again tomorrow and 1pm. No school, yusss. My main concern at the moment, is sleep. I swear, I will have the best sleep of my life tonight. I think.
I can promise that... I'm not making any promises. I love contradicting myself.
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