It feels like it's been a while.

Yeah, so basically, since my last blog, I got my tattoo! It's gorgeous. I've had way too many people go 'oh my God, it looks just like Jennie's. Did you copy her?' and now I think it's the time to start this little FAQ thing going on. So, here we go!

FAQ:

Q: Did you copy Jennie Randa?
A: no. I didn't. This has nothing to do with Jennie. I don't talk to Jennie, I don't acknowledge Jennie's existance, why would I want something on my body forever that reminds me of Jennie Randa? Jennie and I HATE eachother. Hate. I know it is a strong word. I use it to its full intent, right here.

Q: Did you know Jennie Randa has a tattoo just like that?
A: Uh, yeah. I'm not totally oblivious. I've heard about it, I've seen it, and I've seen pictures of it. It's cool. I don't idolize her or her body ink. It's really not that interesting. It only is to you because you're like 14 to 16 and your moms and dads don't let you get tattoo's. In a year or so, you'll have even cooler ones.

Q: Why puzzle pieces, cause JENNIE RANDA did it?
A: NO. NO NO NO. FUCK JENNIE RANDA. Her tattoo can suck my dick. Because someone got a tattoo or a piercing or a Barbie doll before I did, does not mean I 'copied' her. I didn't even seek inspiration from her idea to get a tattoo. Wanna know where I got it? A Winnie the Pooh puzzle I was putting together after I woke up at 5am one morning and watched Winnie the Pooh because I couldn't go back to sleep. But you know where the whole idea of the tattoo came from? Do you REALLY wanna know? Then I'll make a continued question about it.

Q: Why puzzle pieces? (cont.)
A: Alex Gregory Ha. If you know me, you at least know about him. I'm in love with him, blah blah. Kay, so like, on his birthday (7.28.08), I got to spend basically all day with him. After we left Lucas's house, we went to the lake, because he didn't want either of us to have to go home. It was dark, the sky was clear, with tons and tons of stars. It was gorgeous, on the field in front of the water and the sky, just us. We were talking about how we loved eachother and how everything would work out between us in the end. How we'd get married, and how distance had nothing on us. (I guess we were partially wrong, seeing that we're obviously not together right now.) I think of that night every single day of my life, honestly. And my memory of it is extremely vivid. Even if things between us don't work out in the end and we aren't meant to be together forever (even though we kinda both already know we are), my first love will always mean something to me. I'm gonna feel this way forever. And now I have something on my body that reflects that. The. FUCKING. End. Now you know. Oh and by the way, I felt like puzzle pieces would be the best way to illustrate it; they go together perfectly, and there isn't another piece in the world that could take its place. And obviously, the stars in it represent the sky that was above us that night. See, aren't I so creative? -.-

Q: You do realize the puzzle pieces don't fit, right?
A: Shut up. They're supposed to. They're close enough, so shut the fuck up.

Q: You do realize you're not original, right?
A: No one's original. So I mean... I'm definitely not going to deny that. I'm just more original than you. I thought of the design by myself, because I'm the only one that has this mindset, and such a vivid memory of what the meaning of this was like. Jennie's tattoo's sentimental value is for her dad, who died when she was little. Notice the word 'DAD' in the puzzle piece. Mine has nothing to do with that. I have my own sentimental value, and that's all that counts. So suck my dick.

Q: Do you wanna be like Kat Von D or something?
A: Gorgeous... but not my thing. I'm more of a piercing person that tatoo, honestly. I like change way too much, and I think that I'd hate myself if I covered my body in things I could never change or erase. Unless I wanted to do it painfully. Which isn't my preference, because I already went through enough pain to get it done. Cause it's on my hip bone. I mean come on, ow.


That's the end of my FAQ. I've probably been asked more questions but I don't remember them all. I'm pretty sure most of them are self-explainatory, people are just stupid and ask questions anyways. So onto my next topic.

I've been feeling shitty once again. And what's the reason this time? Obviously Nick. It feels like I don't exist at all anymore when it comes to him, which, in all honesty, means mostly all the time. It's depressing, and no one realizes how much of an impact it has on me. It's ridiculous how he can't even acknowledge the fact that I'm alive. So less than an hour ago, once again, I was about to make it possible so that I DIDN'T exist anymore. It seems like a really good idea, and it has for a really long time. I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing, but he doesn't give a shit. I'd be content with going, 'Let's forget I love you. Let's forget we were ever friends. Let's forget we dated and that I had sex with you way too many times to count. Let's forget you took my virginity and then cheated on me with my best friend. Let's forget we've known eachother since seventh grade and let's become the best friends we used to be. I'm still the same Emilie. Throw in some drugs and alcohol and a lot more outgoingness, self-awareness and depression problems, but it's still the girl you fell in love with.' I'd love to become best friends with him again, start over and maybe I'd have another chance. I don't see how feelings change over night like he always says they do. And honestly, I still don't believe him. Since basically the beginning, I've felt taken advantage of, and for some reason, I keep going back for more. I'd like to think he could possibly feel the same way. He at least has to understand that it hurts like HELL to see him dating a close friend of mine. It also hurts like hell knowing she has the decency to do that to me after everything I've told her. But whatever. It's bitchy but with my bipolar issues... I seldom remember that they're not going to last forever. Regardless, I still have all the notes. I have the one saying he'd never leave me and that he wanted to take his last breath kissing me, and I still read the comments between us when I felt like the only girl that existed. Now, I barely exist. He's forgotten everything, and it doesn't help everything else I'm going through.

Hard topic to get off of. My stomach is doing twists and turns and I'm crying my eyes out right now. I need someone to come cheer me up. I'm supposed to be buying two grams from Angel tomorrow. But it's super expensive. Well, compared to Danny. I miss when he was just a dealer rather than some dude that's obsessed with fucking me and Lauren... but either works.

Hmph... but I know what might help. Yesterday during what would have been our sixth period... me, Alison, and Lauren. Baked as shit. Sitting in mud, freezing our asses off, patrolling the house, sitting at the bottom of the hill that Bear announced he used to like having sex on. Most amazing day of my life. Lauren and Alison kept dropping the weed, and my amazing self found it in the grass under Alison. We made the lamest pipe in the world out of materials we found at school, and we discovered, we're really hot and we sing a lot when we're high. (That rhymed...) I also realized. They're my best friends. No matter how much shit Lauren talks about me. I just don't trust people anymore. But they're the most fun to be around, and they're like. Intense. And we're the most gorgeous girls you'll ever meet in your life, I can promise you. I collected a bunch of random things from around the school and the hill, including a bottle rocket stick, part of Alison's weird pen that Lauren broke, chicken sub wrapper (AHAHA!), and... a skittles wrapper? We ran into a bunch of weird people, and we got pretty scared quite a few times. No more dorks climing up mountains with no shoes on, even though that would have been extremely funny. But anyways, we had a good time fucking around. It was pretty epic. And everyone else missed it :D.

So... gah. I'm still in a bad mood. Shitty mood. TERRIBLE sad depressed suicidal-ass mood. I feel like sleeping but I have a headache that's so bad, I feel like it's going to disable me to. Thus, I'm leaving. Posting this, and then... I don't know what. But you might hear from me later.

<3.