hey you

i've been a terribly cruel person to you. i'm ashamed to even think about those days last year that i spent with you; ten whole months, us. nine. eight. seven. what does it even count for anymore? we were best friends. every smell, reminds me of you. vietnam, and my soap smelling incense.. everytime i smoke a cigarette outside of my garage into the early morning. everytime i see shirts that were my favorite then, they're my favorite again. i have your belt and mac's shirt and two other shirts. i have your nerf gun that you have the missing bullet to. i miss your parents house, and your ugly room, and the old rooms that i can feel the pain in. of a childhood that no one can even imagine. i have your deepest secrets, and i was too scared to tell you mine. you treated my past like it'd be my future, cause you knew that deep down, i had terrible intentions. only for myself. and you were right. like, no other person could see that far down. they'd either shun me, or kill me, or tell me it was okay like it didn't even matter. it did matter. i hated when you told me i didn't do anything. i'm the reason you're miserable, i'm the reason i'm miserable. with myself. i can't even look at myself. i'm dirty. i've done horrible things, and what's worse is that everyone probably knows. all your friends, know. they talk about me and you agree. i wish you hated me. i hope you hate me. it's the easiest way out of everything. i shouldn't have found a way out. it shouldn't have been this way. something was glitched. something moved too fast. maybe the fact that the first time we had sex was hours before you asked me out. the first night we met. maybe it went too far. why did i stop talking to you that first time? even through your seventeenth birthday. i thought about you, but not as much. i don't remember what i thought. i was a radically different person. i'm embarassed that i took alex's virginity, and i'm embarassed that i gave him this binder... with everything in it. it's so embarassing. i was so stupid. i act before i think and... you know it. you made me feel so stupid. i was so stupid. i can't stand to hear the words fuck you because of you. i felt like i lost my virginity to you. but what kind of bond did we really have? you've told me before that it wasn't meant to be, you told me that i gave you enough and you had to move on. things happened. things changed. none of this makes sense anymore. i want to apologize to you... i wish i never hurt you. not like i did. i knew everything that hurt you, and i just hurt you more. one of the most fragile souls i've ever met. i just wanted you to grow up. you didn't want to grow up. i felt like you were holding me down... i feel like i'm holding myself down. i have to say, everytime i ever went back, as soon as i realized it, things changed. i knew i'd do it again. do whatever i always do. i wanted to change my mind. i tried to change my mind, and sometimes even did change my mind, but you didn't. i already did it. i always gave you false hope. i wish one day we'll hang out. in a couple years. you'll find someone by then, and i'll keep my distance. i'll have someone. we'll both be happy. we'll be able to reminisce and get along. we'll be friends. there's no guarantee you'll read this. but.. it's all i can do. tell you the truth.

You think you're something special.

would ya look at that?!



I like sad songs. sad acoustic songs. I don't know why. I like songs that kind of make me want to cry for some reason. even the happiest of songs.
I'm a pretty nostalgic person. if you've been following these, you know that, from the beginning. Who knew I was still waiting for that phone call? I did.
I want my hair to grow way more than anyone should want their hair to grow. I just want it to be long. I want to dye it again and make people jealous and be as pretty as I was last year at one point. it comes and goes.
Last night, my acne was gone. so I washed my face. it came back. how fucked up is that?
I have a hickey. my mom was like, what's that under your chin!? and I told her I had a bear for a boyfriend. how cute? so cute. a monkeybear, to be exact. My monkeybear. all mine. Sunday is valentines day, and it's my mission to find a million koala bears and rape him with them. cause as long as he's my monkeybear, I gotta be his koala. RIGHT?! right. thanks for agreeing.
I have to stretch my ears. well, don't have to. but will.
Alex & Liz's wedding is in less than eight months... more than seven months? time is going by so freaking fast, it's incredible.
my wedding is in... a lot longer than that! I'll tell ya that.
I have no more weed. trying to decide whether or not I'm happy with that. well no. I am incredibly saddened and angered and everywhere in between that by it. we're going to get snowed in, AGAIN. no school yesterday, today or tomorrow. I'm anticipating not having a spring break, and I am in incredibly miffed. PISSED.
but that's not it. point is, snowed in, no drugs. something's REALLY wrong with that.
(also. no boyfriend. like really, I can't have my boyfriend, and I can't have drugs. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, LAUNDRY?!)
yeah. laundry. about that. I have nooo clean clothes.
I'm listening to this song that MC showed me, when we were friends. Man, I fucking hate her. I hate nick. I hate him to pieces. I have to talk to helen about that whole thaaang.
everybody says time heals everything.
I have a cold.. it's not fun. :( what am I gonna do with my life, until Sunday. double date with Daniel, Greg & his girlfriend.
love

titleless

don't try to contact me on the phone.



Whoever's reading this, if I know who you are, I probably owe you some kind of explanation.

you worthless piece of shit

wishful thinking.

Ever went out with the same person more than once?
yep.
Are you generally a happy person?
I'd like to be.
Ever kiss someone when you weren't together?
yep.
Has a boy/girl ever called you babe or baby?
errday.
What are you listening to right now?
daniel's music on itunes
Have you ever made out with someone?
yeah.
Did you go out or stay in last night?
stayed in. ordered pizza.
Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you?
I don't want anyone to do that.
Where will you be in a hour?
here. suckin air's dick.
How’s your heart been lately?
detached and broken
What is the last movie you watched?
the outsiders
Have you kissed anyone in the last 24 hours?
yeah.
What are you doing tomorrow?
ask again later
Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don't talk to at all?
sup alex
What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
don't remember.
Are you happy?
no.
Has anyone told you "Forever and Always" then left?
yeah.
Angry at anyone?
myself.
Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
you never know when they're coming. I can't think that fast anyways.
Is there anyone you would do anything for?
no one.
Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
she's my mother, she's my best friend.
Is it hard to make you laugh?
when I'm sad. or I hate you.
Think back 5 months ago, were you single?
good question.
Is it okay to kiss someone when you're single?
yes.
Think back to September, were you in a relationship?
workin on it.
Next time you will kiss someone?
whenever I kiss someone next.
Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
I hate secondhand smoke, especially in cars. it's fine outside though.
Do you have an attitude?
splendid question.
When was the last time that you were genuinely happy?
when I woke up yesterday morning. you have no idea.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
I'm totally regretting doing it as many times as I have right now.
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an M?
mary!
Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
I hate almost everyone who doesn't.
Are your parents still together?
fuck no.
Do you prefer being single or taken?
depends on... the time.
Do you remember names or faces better?
both.
Who's getting on your nerves?
my stupid fucking self.

I'd really enjoy it if someone just slapped me in the face.
actually. just killed me. I've been feeling my heart breaking nonstop recently.
even when I'm happy, I'm so happy that my heart just leaks.
and then I cry.
and then I kick and scream and cry harder.
you can't tell me to look at you and smile cause I'll cry harder. ask anibal.
I just need to get fucked up. it's my only vice.
I don't want to die, ya know. I want to be out of my body and back in my head.
my thoughts are so cluttered up in there and I just need to sort them all out.
no more weed. one beer. couldn't make it work if I lost all my weight and drank it in a minute.
I honestly don't want anyone to read this.
it's just not a good day. it's a horrible day. one of the worst days of my life. I could feel it as soon as I woke up.



when i see your smile, tears roll down my face.
i can't replace, and now that i'm strong, i have figured out
how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul and i know i'll find,
deep inside me, i can be the one.

i will never let you fall, i'll stand up for you forever.
i'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.

it's okay.

seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling, all for us.
days grow longer and nights grow shorter, i can show you i'll be the one.

i will never let you fall, i'll stand up for you forever.
i'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.

cause you're my, you're my, my...

my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away.
cause i'm here for you, please don't walk away and please tell me you'll stay.

use me as you will, pull my strings just for a thrill.
and i know i'll be okay, though my skies are turning grey.

i will never let you fall. i'll stand up for you forever.
i'll be there for you, through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.
i will never let you fall. i'll stand up for you forever.
i'll be there for you, through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.

eternity will never be enough for me.

world... stop snowing.
everything's happening for a reason.
we jacked someone's pizza last night.
we robbed giant of all my money.
(see how much sense that makes)
i feel like this winter, i'm going to lose you.
him.
forever.
if he can't have me, no one can have him.

my brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust.

i want you to know that february 28 still means february 28 to me.
it'll never lose significance, but that particular february gained all the significance in the world.
and i don't know how to say i'm sorry and i don't know how to let go when the time is right.
i don't know how to lose, something you've been doing your entire life.
but i know how to love and i love you,
but the feeling that you're the first real person that was placed in my life for me to start a new life with
that's going to go away.
forever.

i don't want you to read this.
it doesnt mean a lot.
but for every horrible time we've shared, i want you to always remember the good.
and not be sad.
cause that's what i'm trying to do.
things weren't always horrible. remember that.
remember the kid you used to be, the easy going stoner with the donkey laugh that played geometry wars on my computer and got me into techno and smoked us all out when no one was home.
remember that you loved me, when i was a good person.
just don't leave.

swag surfin

sooooo hey blogger :3 what's good.

yeh yeh. hit a bowl. let's make a to do list!
or wishlist..

kick a bowl, not a kid!

stop straightening hair
figure out why I make so many lists... still
make it rain
finish cleaning room. slackin sooo hard.
find stupid ipod usb cord.
clear skin. clear my skin!

haha what a douche. they teach you about pregnancy in tenth grade because by then everyone's having sex and getting abortions cause they were stupid in the first place.
i should totally return those two library books. yeah yeah. good idea.
i'd like my hair to grow, just because... that'd be super radical.
i miss my itouch. when it wasn't cracked. i mean. i couldn't complain about the itouch cracked. i just miss it! ballsacks.
raaaaah.

i'm growing up!
like. maturing! i've thrown away so much shit,
and i've gotten over alex
and i'm still attempting. in relationships and school and shit. i've needed to get my priorities straight since recently actually and now i'm doing something about it.

yeah motherfucker.

man i hate everyone but stoners.
wouldnt you agree?! shit.

fuck you if you dont.
lololol

oxyphip

hi dan

oh but damn, one more thing.

I love Hayden Mcknight Smith more than life, and life after that, and life after that.

you are my best friend.

I never have more fun with anyone.

you make me me :3

you're so sleezy

maynnneeee:)

oh, how I love life! even when it could be waaay better. I'm drained, I feel like a failure, and... I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I'm just ignoring everyone who means anything to me... or that I mean anything to. it's kind of sad, and really cold.

I'm such a piece of a shit.
rawr.

the inside of my cheeks are getting hard to chew.
:(
eye love you <3

Why is it that you had to say 'goodbye' in your special way,

you slashed the tires on my car.

tellin every girl shes the one for me, and I aint even plannin to call

I have a new found love for waking up early! like, six in the morning, early. I'd like to drive somewhere at six in the morning. North Carolina! I wanna go to a theme park... man. I hate theme parks, what am I talking about!
--trying to limit swear words

I straightened my hair.
and Eminem is rapping.
this song is pretty stupid. but likable.
damn, I have a semi-horrible taste in music.

--2010 --poetic!
(see; 2009)
yes please.
my sentences aren't sentences; not all of them have a subject and a verb.
they are SNIPPETS! that's the best word ever.

alright so you know what I realized? I realized that I like being one of the guys. I should be better at it. maybe turn into a lesbian?! I think it could totally be a possibility. if I happened to be high enough for that. it's like coming out of the closet and telling everyone you're tinkerbell. that shit don't fly.

my hair's fried. I was going to type 'flied.' and then I got way more confused than I was in the first place.

I think I guessed almost entirely on the world 1 SOL I finally did earlier today. DON'T have to remake SOLs. they. are. not. fun. do them when everyone else does them. or just hope that it's during a class you really really do not want to be in. yeah.
oh and by the way, I'm terrified of dying. I'm terrified of that whole, life flashing before your eyes thing. I'm terrified of being put in a soft grass field with people that don't belong there. and I don't want to have to belong there! I'd like to live forever. just kidding... I'd just like for there to be an afterlife. or life after death. whichever sounds better. I don't know why, just scares me.

I HATE FRESHMEN.
just throwing that out there.

HATE THEM.
HATE.

killed my composure, it'll never come back.

I like life a looot better without facebook.

hey, blogger. my tummy hurts. well, my ovaries. that's a different story. so far, I've succeeded in treating my hair better. I've straightened it, like, two or three times since '10 started! how crazy.
Toby turned 18 years old todayyyy :) it's so weird saying that. man.. and next year I'd be saying 'Toby turned 19 years old today!" when I'm.. used to him not being an adult.
"go buy a pack of cigarettes!...think of all those times... you wanted a cigarette.."

so yuh. the weeks have been going by so fast this school year. but, I find myself not wanting to wait for summer to start. I miss summer. I had a pretty spectacular summer, even though I don't think I would have admitted it back then. I had a wooonderful boyfriend, and wonderful friends, and a wonderful Vietnam, and wonder experiences. like rec centering and sitting in my room smoking and meeting up with Tori at 6am, loitering, watching an acid movie and sleeping til 3am. cigarettes and sex and weed. man, I miss the people I chilled with. south county sucks balls. what I'd give to be home everyday, sleeping til everyone got out of school. I'd like to get kicked out again just so I could go to bryant or something. but I want lake braddock back.

so I'm going back. :3
yaaaa.

so.. dasssthat. I'm probably gonna go poke some smot or something like that purrty soon. I just got home, and I felt like... doing something blog related, and stating that life without facebook... is a life worth living, kind sir.

need to clean room.
^ some kinda to do list.

plus! I want to upload recent photos. new bloggggg.

Tonight the snow begins to fall, and I'm stuck here

aaaay, niglets :)
I need to find a theme for my photography project. Due on thursday?! I think..
but.. then I have to shoot it! faack.

so I love marijuana. I wanna write a letter to Obama!

maybe he'll find me quite interesting.
cause I think I'm an interesting person.
when you understand my intentions.
I'd like to smoke with Hayden.
he totally feels me.
it's like the world is in our brains.

yaaaaaa

my tongue dances behind my lips for you

dear blogger!

I have not been at school for two days now--this being the second day.
and, I'd like to make one thing clear.

Toby da Fruit... is amazing,
and I love him!
and I've never cried over someone so much in my life, ahaha.
even Alex!
(not like he'll believe that.)
he probably knows me better than I do myself.
which is... pretty good and pretty bad.
but he can see through the Emilie that people like to think they know,
to the Emilie that only he's bothered to understand.
well.. not even understand. cause he doesn't understand her.
but he knows her, and loves her to pieces.
as does she!
and I'll kill a bitch for him. more like over him.
I know all his friends hate me. I think itsh silly.
I've fucked him over so many times, and he's hit me with some pretty low blows too.
So this is my public apology.

Toby de groot.
you're my everything,
and I could never lose you, no matter what.
I'm so incredibly sorry for everything that's happened between us... the bad.
but so incredibly glad for what's happened between us.... everything else.
I know that's not gonna fix anything, but we will.
you're my angel boy kaaay? like that one night, when you just sobbed.
and you're the only person in the world I'd get a puke bucket for when you drank too much,
even though I knew I was completely twisted and incapable of even taking care of my own thoughts.
I did it for you,
and I'd do it again.

thank yyooou for being my thimble :3
you're amazing.

and you're a creep so I know you're gonna read this, but I don't know when.
so I'm going to put it on your wall.

anyways. here's the rest of this post.

eighth day of the new year, but hoooly shit. It feels like it's been forever for some reason.
I'm cleaning my room right now.
well.... that's a lie, no I'm not.
but I was, and I will be again when this is finished.
which is gonna be in, like, three seconds.

give or take.

the world is in my hands, and I keep my hands closed.

2010 may certainly be starting off on a horrible note.

I'm about to get my first period of the new year, and as optomistic as I'm trying to be, I need to vent. I'm angry. you know what that means? it means pimples, cramps, mood swings, break ups, hookups, jealousy, hatred, resentment, and the fact that I will never be good enough to fit in my own skin.

there are so many things I'm too scared to even put into writing, for the fear of someone seeing it, even when I'm dead. but I can't keep it in my head, or my heart. or my room. not a journal, not a blog. facebook can't know. some random girl I feel like talking to in gym can't know. my best friend can't know because she has different best friend. why am I just left behind? really? I feel like this year might just be payback for all the things I fucked up last year. my relationships, my lack there of. my selfishness. the weather. the cold and the dull has totally taken its toll on me, and it won't go away anytime soon.

the fantastic four is being ripped apart.
Emilie is being ripped apart.

I want to DIE. I really don't even want anyone to read this, but, this is where I keep my thoughts online and these are my thoughts, so, if you are reading it, I hope you fucking judge me. I hope with everything that I am that you think 'wow, what a fucking loser. she's just complaining.' I want to kill everyone. I want to take a hammer to nicks head. to courtneys head?! fucking, wow. the fact that she's just like me. the fact that she's gonna get fucked and fucked over like I did. the fact that I'm losing respect for her, not because of the boy, because of her being stupid. she's stupid stupid stupid.

I hate everything. like, extremely bad. I feel like I'm going to puke. I want to starve myself. I want weed. why don't I have weed? it's angering me. why don't I have my tequila? I need a fucking handle. before this weekend. bad. just like back in the day, right before my birthday. fourteen. what a horrible fourteen year old. what a horrible thirteen year old.. giving it up to a blond pig with a sweet mouth and a really tight grip on my self respect. what a horrible fifteen year old. what a horrible person.