"Everytime you breathe, I hope you think of me." Those are the words you told me, told me.
You want me to always remember, I promise I always will. You'll watch and you'll wait for my return, I promise I'm coming home.
For all the lonely nights, when you're not feeling alive, look towards the midnight sky and wait for sunrise. This is the life we live, the only one that we know. It seems to never end, never end.
We all become someone we're not when we're in love. We trust, and that gives us the ability to be broken. We're that miserable kind of happy, or that happy kind of miserable. We all learn, but some of us never get it. Some of us look, but we never find it. It's when you're not looking, it all comes to you. Maybe that's why we kiss with eyes closed. You can't see perfection, you can only feel it. And it comes at random. You can't predict it. It catches you off-guard. That's what's so amazing about love. I've found it.
So, I have a crush. His name is Kyle. He knows it, I know it, my mom knows it, and another select few know it. I'm not going to go into detail about it right now. Maybe someday soon. But let's just say, I can see myself with this kid. And someday, it'll all work out. I'm happy again. We're not together, but that's okay.
I'm plotting a double murder. (please, take me seriously. Unless you're a cop. Or you're affiliated with cops. Then don't. And I know there are probably cops reading my facebook right now. STOP IT.) I'm sure you can guess who. I mean, trust me. I have the balls to kill myself... almost. I don't have the balls to curbstomp someone. (COUCH stomp.) But if I did, these bitches would be going down one after the other, painfully, fatally. So, whatever. But if I had my way with everything, they wouldn't be in existance right now. They would be vaporized by some sort of extra-terrestrial that eats intestines like I eat sushi. But if that extra-terrestrial needed assistance, Christian Hilderbrand and I would be right there eating those fucking intestines, too. (cause, you know, if I had my way with everything, I wouldn't have a sensitive stomach, either.)
Today, it was sixty-one degrees outside. First day of February. Tomorrow we're supposed to be getting another snow storm like last week. Beautiful. I spent all day outside, by myself. Except for when Cornelio was on his break, we talked, and he offered to smoke me out before he went back to work, cause his friend drove to Huntsman and they, I guess, hot boxed his car. I regret saying no, now. I'd probably be asleep right now if I had gone. But whatever, I hate being baked in public. But it's good though, cause I accidentally ran into my dad going into Giant while he was walking out of Giant. He made me feel like a piece of shit fuckup. Hey, what's new!?
Anyways, I obviously had lots of time to myself to think. Between texting Kyle, like, non-stop almost, I did lots of that thinking. I thought about my past relationships and how they've affected me (effected? I'm not sure), and my current relationship with Kyle... whatever you want to call it. And how fucked up everything else around me is. The things that make me happy are the things that make me miserable. I get my hopes up and they crash down so hard, it usually just drives me off the edge. I thought about love, and what it's supposed to mean to be in love. I got a call from Alex way earlier. It sparked everything. My hatred for everytime he says 'JUST LIKE JENNIE RANDA' has gone through the roof. But while I was walking home from Giant before I walked to the rec center, I realized, it's a day like this that would make me wake up and go, 'Hey, let's walk a few miles to go see the love of my life.' And I would, if a few miles was, like, four times less than the 28 miles the love of my life currently lives from me.
Today also reminded me of summer. It was sunny, and it was calm. The temperature was perfect (and when it reaches sixty-eight degrees, I swear, I will cry). And the sort of weather and mindset it put me in, was this sort of, I'd love to do something to make me happy right now. Take a taxi all the way to Sterling. And then get heartbroken. I think not? Be a little nostalgic motherfucker... sounds good to me. I'd hate to fall in love again. So let's just settle for, 'it's impossible.' Impossible is nothing. Nothing is impossible? I love Emily Ha. You don't understand. Because she doesn't understand. Which causes me to not understand. Which, is why, you wouldn't understand. Confused? Kaygood.
How bouts some snippets from my journal today? Exciting? I think so.
I'm sitting at the same place at the rec center on the bleachers that Alex, Thomas and I came to on 6/1/2008. The day Alex gave me the pillowcase note. Amazing.
I had a really good day yesterday. I spent it with Mr. Antis. I reallyreally like him, and I fell even harder for him yesterday. -- And you know what's shocking? I'm doing the right thing.
So I'm not even wearing shoes right now. I finally realized that I did that little 'don't leave the one you love for the one you like' thing. Fuck Nick, man. Rawr. So I've been all alone all day. My feet and tummy are cold. Fuck shadows. Tomorrow's groundhog day. I hope that motherfucking groundhog does NOT see his motherfucking shadow. But even if he does, I'm gonna be optomistic.
Hi. (: Let's break it doooown! (insert screamo hardcore badass breakdown here)
Pillow case note.. the most amazing note I've ever gotten in my life. No more than ten sentences? Probably even less than that. But you know what? It was sweet enough to make me melt, and blush more than I ever had in my entire life.
Mr. Antis and doing the right thing. Once again, not going into it! I refuse to fall in love. It's impossible. I don't care what you say.
I broke up with Alex, not only because I thought it would be hard, but because, I was scared I would hurt him over Nick if we stayed together. Another thing to prove that I threw everything away for this boy and got torn apart. But I've gotten smarter, and I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve again. Cause I know, I was always the better person. No matter what your opinions are about me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious, I'm annoying, I'm stupid, I'm ugly. That's cool. I'm a down-to-earth, kind hearted person, and when I fall in love, it all goes to hell. I wish I could stress how I regret it, but if I had the chance to take any of it back, I never would.
See where this shit gets me? Sitting in front of a computer, typing about all of my mistakes. That's life. And for a fourteen year old girl, I think I've got it pretty down pat. And if you don't, I can't explain to you what any of it means, I'm still learning. So are you. You'll figure it out.
And one day, the world's gonna be alright, and there will be no pain.
Shut the ICU down tonight, cause everyone is safe.
And I will overlook this operation by your side.
Cause we're too young, we're still kids. We're too young, we're still kids.
I see your hearts get bigger when you lose your friends, and everyone around you
Is saying that it's not the end, it's not the end. But you cried so hard,
And I watched you grow so strong, and I made you laugh, in my arms.
In your tear-stained shirt, you felt the snowflakes on your back.
And you stood, so proud. You had me wishing, wanting, begging for some words from you.
You smiled to the crowd, that's enough for now.
We're too young, we're still kids. We're too young, we're still kids.
Take a break from the mess, you've done enough today, I saw you smiling like it's all okay,
And it will be soon.
On that day, we will be in charge, the weather's always bright
and sixty-eight degrees.
You want me to always remember, I promise I always will. You'll watch and you'll wait for my return, I promise I'm coming home.
For all the lonely nights, when you're not feeling alive, look towards the midnight sky and wait for sunrise. This is the life we live, the only one that we know. It seems to never end, never end.
We all become someone we're not when we're in love. We trust, and that gives us the ability to be broken. We're that miserable kind of happy, or that happy kind of miserable. We all learn, but some of us never get it. Some of us look, but we never find it. It's when you're not looking, it all comes to you. Maybe that's why we kiss with eyes closed. You can't see perfection, you can only feel it. And it comes at random. You can't predict it. It catches you off-guard. That's what's so amazing about love. I've found it.
So, I have a crush. His name is Kyle. He knows it, I know it, my mom knows it, and another select few know it. I'm not going to go into detail about it right now. Maybe someday soon. But let's just say, I can see myself with this kid. And someday, it'll all work out. I'm happy again. We're not together, but that's okay.
I'm plotting a double murder. (please, take me seriously. Unless you're a cop. Or you're affiliated with cops. Then don't. And I know there are probably cops reading my facebook right now. STOP IT.) I'm sure you can guess who. I mean, trust me. I have the balls to kill myself... almost. I don't have the balls to curbstomp someone. (COUCH stomp.) But if I did, these bitches would be going down one after the other, painfully, fatally. So, whatever. But if I had my way with everything, they wouldn't be in existance right now. They would be vaporized by some sort of extra-terrestrial that eats intestines like I eat sushi. But if that extra-terrestrial needed assistance, Christian Hilderbrand and I would be right there eating those fucking intestines, too. (cause, you know, if I had my way with everything, I wouldn't have a sensitive stomach, either.)
Today, it was sixty-one degrees outside. First day of February. Tomorrow we're supposed to be getting another snow storm like last week. Beautiful. I spent all day outside, by myself. Except for when Cornelio was on his break, we talked, and he offered to smoke me out before he went back to work, cause his friend drove to Huntsman and they, I guess, hot boxed his car. I regret saying no, now. I'd probably be asleep right now if I had gone. But whatever, I hate being baked in public. But it's good though, cause I accidentally ran into my dad going into Giant while he was walking out of Giant. He made me feel like a piece of shit fuckup. Hey, what's new!?
Anyways, I obviously had lots of time to myself to think. Between texting Kyle, like, non-stop almost, I did lots of that thinking. I thought about my past relationships and how they've affected me (effected? I'm not sure), and my current relationship with Kyle... whatever you want to call it. And how fucked up everything else around me is. The things that make me happy are the things that make me miserable. I get my hopes up and they crash down so hard, it usually just drives me off the edge. I thought about love, and what it's supposed to mean to be in love. I got a call from Alex way earlier. It sparked everything. My hatred for everytime he says 'JUST LIKE JENNIE RANDA' has gone through the roof. But while I was walking home from Giant before I walked to the rec center, I realized, it's a day like this that would make me wake up and go, 'Hey, let's walk a few miles to go see the love of my life.' And I would, if a few miles was, like, four times less than the 28 miles the love of my life currently lives from me.
Today also reminded me of summer. It was sunny, and it was calm. The temperature was perfect (and when it reaches sixty-eight degrees, I swear, I will cry). And the sort of weather and mindset it put me in, was this sort of, I'd love to do something to make me happy right now. Take a taxi all the way to Sterling. And then get heartbroken. I think not? Be a little nostalgic motherfucker... sounds good to me. I'd hate to fall in love again. So let's just settle for, 'it's impossible.' Impossible is nothing. Nothing is impossible? I love Emily Ha. You don't understand. Because she doesn't understand. Which causes me to not understand. Which, is why, you wouldn't understand. Confused? Kaygood.
How bouts some snippets from my journal today? Exciting? I think so.
I'm sitting at the same place at the rec center on the bleachers that Alex, Thomas and I came to on 6/1/2008. The day Alex gave me the pillowcase note. Amazing.
I had a really good day yesterday. I spent it with Mr. Antis. I reallyreally like him, and I fell even harder for him yesterday. -- And you know what's shocking? I'm doing the right thing.
So I'm not even wearing shoes right now. I finally realized that I did that little 'don't leave the one you love for the one you like' thing. Fuck Nick, man. Rawr. So I've been all alone all day. My feet and tummy are cold. Fuck shadows. Tomorrow's groundhog day. I hope that motherfucking groundhog does NOT see his motherfucking shadow. But even if he does, I'm gonna be optomistic.
Hi. (: Let's break it doooown! (insert screamo hardcore badass breakdown here)
Pillow case note.. the most amazing note I've ever gotten in my life. No more than ten sentences? Probably even less than that. But you know what? It was sweet enough to make me melt, and blush more than I ever had in my entire life.
Mr. Antis and doing the right thing. Once again, not going into it! I refuse to fall in love. It's impossible. I don't care what you say.
I broke up with Alex, not only because I thought it would be hard, but because, I was scared I would hurt him over Nick if we stayed together. Another thing to prove that I threw everything away for this boy and got torn apart. But I've gotten smarter, and I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve again. Cause I know, I was always the better person. No matter what your opinions are about me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious, I'm annoying, I'm stupid, I'm ugly. That's cool. I'm a down-to-earth, kind hearted person, and when I fall in love, it all goes to hell. I wish I could stress how I regret it, but if I had the chance to take any of it back, I never would.
See where this shit gets me? Sitting in front of a computer, typing about all of my mistakes. That's life. And for a fourteen year old girl, I think I've got it pretty down pat. And if you don't, I can't explain to you what any of it means, I'm still learning. So are you. You'll figure it out.
And one day, the world's gonna be alright, and there will be no pain.
Shut the ICU down tonight, cause everyone is safe.
And I will overlook this operation by your side.
Cause we're too young, we're still kids. We're too young, we're still kids.
I see your hearts get bigger when you lose your friends, and everyone around you
Is saying that it's not the end, it's not the end. But you cried so hard,
And I watched you grow so strong, and I made you laugh, in my arms.
In your tear-stained shirt, you felt the snowflakes on your back.
And you stood, so proud. You had me wishing, wanting, begging for some words from you.
You smiled to the crowd, that's enough for now.
We're too young, we're still kids. We're too young, we're still kids.
Take a break from the mess, you've done enough today, I saw you smiling like it's all okay,
And it will be soon.
On that day, we will be in charge, the weather's always bright
and sixty-eight degrees.
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