Take me back to the sleepless nights, the stupid fights

and no, it never mattered who was wrong or who was right.

Today has been an overall amazing day... unimaginably so. It started off with me having to absolutely pry myself out of bed. Nothing new, right? I wasn't expecting too much of anything to happen, because, it doesn't usually. I definitely just wasn't thinking about what actually MAY happen.

First period.
Dinosaur noises and scraping my knees on the concrete. I ran around with no shoes on outside, in my gym uniform and basically nothing else to cover me, just trying to stay warm... and having this constant battle with myself over whether or not to scream because the caffine I took in the morning was FREAKY as shit. Of course, I screamed. More than that, though. I freaked the fuck out. Ambulances came to the school, and I ran. I don't think anyone understands how hyper I could have possibly been... except Brooke.

Third period.
I got at least ten pages read in ten minutes. That's the most exciting thing that happened.

Fifth period can suck my dick.
And so can seventh.
The end.

After school, Christina rode my bus home with me. And then, obviously, came to my house. But we didn't spend more than 60 seconds there, though. We went outside to go hang out with Greg and Molly. It was wonderful. Well mostly the Greg and Christina part. Not so much Molly, but that was okay. I feel like you can guess who's an item now... and honestly hopefully will be for a long time. But, yeah. I'm excited for this weekend. <3

And maybe tonight too! :D Erin baby. <3 Maybe the boyfraaann too... who knows.
Finding something to do. But getting crunkkk... that's fershure.

ALALA!

I guess two years can't be enough to reinforce the idea of something greater than us. Something I've never felt with anyone, nor imagined, nor wanted. I allowed myself to be shattered over and over again to teach me something about love. I've learned every bit of it. Like the fact that it sucks. You get my jist. The fact that no matter how hard you try, it never changes anything but infatuation. That's the closest I'm afraid I'll ever get now. I'm afriad everything I'd planned out perfectly won't turn out as perfectly as planned. I'm losing the only thing I feel like I've ever really had as my own; hope. But you know, what can you do?
I remember dates. I remember how happy I was. Now I'm experiencing how sad I am now.
I remember everything.

That fourth of July may never quite catch up to me.

I've decided, like, something's not right. Maybe everything's too right. Maybe I don't even know what I'm talking about.

So about me having a creeper. That was pretty intense.
And about Nick Maurette being the second biggest asshole in my life right now. People need to take their heads out of their asses and listen to the people who actually know what they're talking about, rather than the people who prance around like everything in the world is alright and everything else is everyone elses fault. And when people decide the wrong persons lying, and come crying to me, it'll be too fucking late. Right? Correct.

Northern Lights. Refreshing. Something like, really honest. I liked it better than I did with White Rhino, even though WR made me really carefree. That's how I knew what it was. It triggered this part of me, like, HOLY SHIT, I'M GOING TO EXPOSE MYSELF BAAAD. The first time was when I told Alex Wiseman I really liked him and I had the impulse to kiss him, realll bad. (And did, I was just rejected.) But today, I told Nick a shit ton of stuff that Lauren had told me... and I told him something really revealing that I don't really remember, and then went, 'and I wasn't supposed to tell you that...' and Greg and I cracked up way bad. I was also tempted to tell Greg I had a really big crush on him. But I didn't. I'm proud of myself. Even though he already knows, I'm extremely happy with the way things are going. I kind of thought I might have fucked things up with him, but I had an amazing day with him today. I don't want a relationship. I don't even wanna hook up with anyone. (well that was extreme bullshit but anyhoo... You know, Hayden.) But I like feeling the way I do. We watched Alice in Wonderland backwards again, and Lauren didn't seem nearly as amused as Greg and I were. (it was cooler a few days ago, because time was going by really slow, and the movie backwards was so much trippier than the movie even forwards.) Gravity's don't work for us. But it's okay, cause we're too cool for the shit anyways. Especially since it was the strongest thing I've ever seen/tasted/smoked/smelled in my entire life. We also couldn't find the hookah. But, you know, it's okay. We realized afterwards that we forgot to look after.. you know.

Erin, darling, didn't have a wonderful day either. I sort of spoke to her on the phone about an hour ago, and Miss Danielle (Hogan)'s daughter apparently stabbed Erin in the back pretty bad. It's not really my place to talk about any of it, but it really pisses me off, and saddens me. Enough sad.

Last, but not least.

I hate being in love now. All it does is make me miserable.

Ear infection. Fuck me.

Is it over?

Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you. Now that it's over, I don't even know what I liked about you.

I'm about to throw some people off of cliffs right now because I am just so, so, so flared. For a lack of a better word. I'm trying to decide when I'll ever find out what's meant to be and what's not. I've gotten to a point where I'll sit and stare at walls and just daydream about things that have happened, just... what I think should have happened. Because it's not until it's over, that you wish you could change it. But it's not meant to be. You think it is. That's why you do it. Where does this leave us when we're about to die? How do we know what was true? Not real... everything is real. Even 'make believe' is real. Even 'false' is real. True is real, but it has such a deeper meaning. When do we ever find out what that deeper meaning is.

Last night, I skipped Beyond the Call to go to Premire! It was probably the greatest thing I've seen in so long. You don't understand. Well maybe you do, if you're Erin. Anyhoo, Isabella was amazing, and Eighteenth Floor Balcony was my favorite song/dance of the entire thing. During intermission, we ate Chipotle. Lots and lots of Chipotle, because Erin decided she was going to build a house of food upon one tortilla. And of course, I got the same thing as her because I didn't know what to eat at all. Somewhere either during the show or in the car ride home I got on facebook mobile and told Greg I liked him? He's been online since, but I've gotten no reply... I wonder what this could possibly mean. Fuck my life. After it was over, Erin and I went to my house to get some of my stuff together and went back to Erin's to spend the night. It was epic. The very first night in so long that I have had a sleepover with someone without sneaking out or sneaking someone in. But we still managed to have a good time. Unfortunately, I fell asleep first. I don't know how, but I did. Then, there's this story, that Erin might tell you if I don't, about how the TV was off when she woke me up and I kept asking her if it was over. It makes us both want to piss our pants laughing because it was just that great, especially at the time. Then... we went to sleep.

The rest isn't too incredibly interesting, except for the fact that now Nick and Lauren are basically together, and I'm basically pissed as shit. You wanna know, read their walls. I'm done with them. Mostly Lauren. I have been. And I'm not okay with her shit anymore. Not her using me or talking shit or getting with people I like a lot, and especially her being a hypocrite because of the Sean thing and sex thing and boys thing and parties thing. It really, really pisses me off. And when he gets cheated on, I'm not gonna give a shit.

So hmph. -.-

And what this means to me, you'll never know.

Don't go, I need you by my side tonight.

It's been eight days since my last post. I can't even describe to you how those last 8 days have been. Actually, not like it really matters, because I only remember a very little part of this week.

Sunday, I was picked up by Alex and Liz. We got coffee at the Huntsman Starbucks (myliiifee!) and were off to Tyson's. We spent basically the whole car ride singing songs we all knew off of the mixed CDs I made my brother, and trying to decide what movie we should actually see. We decided on Taken at like, 7:20 or something like that.. I don't really remember. We got food from Great Wraps, and what can I say... it was spectacular. Too bad I've never seen a Great Wraps outside of the food court there. We walked past the lamp (Alex and Junmo know what I mean) and I was tempted to hug it... or cry. I don't think I've been in that mall since July 4th, 2007. Anyhoo... after we ate, we shopped, and went to see the movie. It was AMAZING in one fucking word. I suggest you all see it. You'll like it, I promise.

I later found out, just as we were on Burke Lake Road turning onto Rolling, that Alex was planning on going to Tyson's corner the next day. I was like, fuck.
But...
I spent my President's Day, at first, with Erin... then walked home, got a ride with mi padre to therapy, came home, then chilled with the boyfriend, Emile, Nicolette, Jackie (before they were discovered by their mom and had to go inside to be grounded for hanging out with me) and Greg. After Nicolette and Jackie went in, Greg, Emile, Nick and I went inside. I had fun, I'd like to think everyone else did, too. Hah. We were kind of all just sitting on the couch for a while, talking.. and I'm sure everyone was bored as shit, except me. After a while, I decided, fuck it, let's break out the alcohol. Emile and Nick took little sips of Disoronno, but Greg and I took shots. I choked. It was kind of funny... if it wasn't me. Then we started drinking beer. Well, Greg, Emile and I did. Everyone was either sober or just not even buzzed yet, but I was drunk as shit. Probably because I've never downed beers that fast in my life before, and it hit me hard. Then Greg had to go home, and Hayden came over. I'm going to leave out the part about me being scared as shit, screaming, running, and almost pissing my pants when I saw Hayden at the front door when I wasn't expecting him, just because I've told the story a million and one times. After like, 10 minutes, Emile and Nick left too. So Hayden was, once again, drunken Emilie's babysitter. -.-

Tuesday and Thursday I didn't go to school because I've been miserably sick. But Tuesday was a decent day, I suppose. I did a lot to make my room nicer, but not clean yet... and Erin came over to help me paint my doors some. Wednesday wasn't a bad day, either. I went to school, sick as balls, but it went by fast enough, I guess. It was an even day, and those are my favorites. But when I miss both odd days of the week, it kind of isn't as great anymore, since I have nothing to compare it to (I was just like, thank GOD I'm not in 5th period biology right now). Thursday, again, didn't go to school. But Carlos picked me and Hayden up for a few, took us to Huntsman, chilled, took Hayden home, and just hung out with me. We couldn't really decide what to do, so after driving around a good bit, we rolled one. A pretty good one. Let's just say, it was the scariest car ride back to my house I've ever taken in my entire freakin' life. The rest, is better kept as 'history.'

Yesterday was Friday. Went to school, had a... day. Called my brother in French class, cause I'm amazing like that. Asked more stupid questions in avid, because I'm waiting for them to get tired of it and tell me to stop, so I can bitch at them for being hypocrites. Or something to that effect. Talked about drugs and Grandma's Boy in history with Wil and Lucas, and... I forgot the majority of sixth period. When I got home, I talked to Greg about the hookah (OH YEAH, AND I FOUND THE HOOKAH!!), and he told me since I didn't have any hookah coals that I could just go to Giant and buy a bag of charcoal briquettes. So I did that. While I was walking home, he was just leaving in his car to go drive around and test out his highly illegal radar detector. After like, a half hour, I had the hookah set up, he came in, we smoked, and then... wanted to have some real fun. We did falls. In my backyard. We were so fucked. Then we came in because, when we were smoking hookah, we were talking about how we wish we were like the hookah smoking catarpillar in Alice in Wonderland that could like, blow out letters and shit. So, we did that. But we had to rewind the whole entire VHS tape first, so we were baked, watching Alice in Wonderland BACKWARDS. Let's just say that was the trippiest fucking shit in the world.
Then... my day was over when Hayden came over, we smoked hookah, he dropped the coal on the towel/carpet, burned holes in both, and... yeah. Then I passed out like, as soon as he left around nine-something.

I had an amazing ... last two days. I'll blog later, mom's getting on.

In the end, we all know, we only breathe for so long.

I bet you can't guess how great my day was today. Oh, it was fantastic. In case any of you just happen to be the least bit curious. We can say that, I feel like something's growing inside me, like an inverted penis, that's hopefully going to start showing on the outside very soon (like how my dick is probably bigger than all of yours... just none of you know it, yet). Seventh period algebra was the highlight of my entire day. That, and singing 'You Are My Sunshine' a'capella with Brooke and Helen. I think the three of us make beautiful music. Maybe someday you'll be lucky enough to hear it, if you didn't already in my first period gym class.

Algebra. Oh, Mr. Burbach's class. There's always something really sheisty going on, and chances are, it has to do with me, or Devon, or Adonis, or Taylor... or all of us together, like it did today. "I'm not gay, but you're sexy." && "My bad yo CHEEEEL!" && "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE GAYER, MY DICK IS STILL BIGGER." Devon made Brandan a sign from across the room in green highlighter that said 'JERK! hah, you're a guy i understand' I was like, you're a dick, Devon. But it was okay, he deserved it. Erin babeh knows what I'm talking about. But altogether, my seventh period is way greater than yours. Especially when I pass notes to Devon to give to Taylor to give to Brandan.. and Taylor announces to the class, 'I need to... throw away this paper,' then walks to the trashcan, smoothly pretends to put it in the trashcan, and then crumples it up in her hand walking back to her seat, still holding it, smoothly looking around to see if anyone saw her NOT put the note in the trashcan. I laughed so hard. I tend to do that. I wish I could control it... but no.

After école, Erin walked with me to my house. Because we're both super rad like that. We ate like four things at one time, from different countries (cause we support the big ol' melting pot... or at least the food that comes with it), cause we're fat. But not really. Just me. Then as soon as my mom left, we walked to her house. She started her period as soon as I finished mine. :D that made me happy, hah. But I feel bad for her. She finally told Brandan she liked him, and Brandan finally told her he liked her back. HIT IT 'N QUIT ITT! Just kidding, I love Eysa. But anyhoo! We chilled, then she got picked up to go back to the school, and I walked back home. The rest of my day up until this point was liprings, post, mom, The Maine and obsessing over Degrassi. Oh, and Nick called me. (the boyfriend, not the ex.)

Which reminds me of how much I LOATHE Valentine's day. I can't wait to sneak out with Erin tonight. I'm excited.
You can say I love her with all my heart. That isn't loving this... person. Youknow.

Frenchy(:

I like my little French boyy(:. Lawts. You know. Hah, I also like how that's how I refer to him.

I refuse to believe in Valentine's day from now on. It's bullshit. (Unless your Valentine is Brooke Rojas or Erin DeLuca. They're mine. So back off. That's what makes it worthwhile.)
I doubt that I'm going to want to wake up in the morning putting nearly as much effort into looking good like I did last year on Valentine's day. I mean, tomorrow isn't even officially V-day. You know what it is? It's fucking Friday the 13th. I'm gonna raise hell... you know it.

My week has been decent, I suppose. I'm pretty sure I wrote something about going to the bridge before therapy. I cried. But it was amazing. I decided the night/morning I couldn't get to sleep until about 4am, that I wanted to go back there, just to see if the E.N <3 A.H was still there. It was. Permanent marker... gawsh. All the memories. And the workout things that come out of the ground... let's hope summer 2009 is as good as summer 2008. As it stands, I don't know if it can compare. Everything over summer was perfect! Me and Hayden. Me and Alex. Me and Julia. Julia and Hayden. Alex and Julia. Alex and Hayden. The four of us had this bond that nothing could break, especially distance. This band that barely played music and wrote songs that ended up stuffed under couch cushions, and I was never allowed to be visible in Alex's house, so he'd hide me in spider filled corners and closets (what a dick).

Anyways, my mom told me, 'I knew coming here was a bad idea. I knew you'd be sad and start crying.' But I told her.. they weren't sad tears. (: I just wanted to see if it was as gorgeous as it used to be. And there was a really long stick going into the water, that almost made me think it was the exact same one I took pictures of me and Alex and Hayden with. Or maybe just Alex... I don't really remember. But anyhoo, it was great. I really needed some kind of reinforcement of the whole 'perfection' thing. The four of us. Forever and ever. (:

And while these fucking blisters might possibly take forever to heal because there is basically no skin on the back of my foot... I'll just limp around in pain. My ass is starting to hurt from it. What the hell?
I know, it makes no sense.

I just felt like my day wouldn't be complete without blogging. And telling you guys (whoever may be reading this) that, hopefully, this time it'll work out. Kay thanks!
Oh, and, Alex called me. But I slept through it. :[

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.

I'm in a surprisingly good mood! So like, today. It was a day. A day like every single other day. I'm doing better with dealing with.. people. I feel like you should know who I'm talking about.
I made Erin a corny little Valentine's day card. I personally feel like... it was cute ;D. Since everyone in the world has already seen it in all its cornyness, I'll just type it here.

Your eyes sparkle and GRACE the world,
You are the most AMAZING girl.
I'm go glad you're my Valentine
For the year 2009.

Lmfao. I feel like you can DEFINITELY tell that it's supposed to sound stupid but like... I also feel like a lot of people were like wtf is she smoking? Haha. Speaking of! Notice how I'm on the computer blogging rather than at Christian's house blazed as shit with him and Bear and Carlos. I'd LOVE to be. But my feet are in so much pain and I'm tired and I look like shit and it's just noooot worth it. Plus, I need cranberry juice. Fuck my life.
Though, my crush definitely never faded. But this crush on a certain other boy... kinda did. I should have known that it was really stupid, but whatever. I'll get over it eventually. Stupid stupid stupid.

My friendship with Kyle itself sort of fizzed out. Apparently, he's oblivious? Or something like that. I don't really know. Plus, the fact that I'm currently on my period adds to the situation. I have that problem I'm still trying to get rid of where, I think I'm sure about my feelings for someone, but once I tell them, it all changes. And I don't know how to back out of it. I can't be like rawr I have a crush on you... then the next day, sorry, I decided I don't really like you. I mean, even if it was like that... which it usually is... I don't know how I'd do that.

On the otherhand, I feel like my best friends love life is gonna start getting even better. Since I'm like, the all-knowing ninja in this situation too, it's amazing. I'm texting her at the moment cause I'm cool like that... but yeah. I also had a really long conversation with Devon today about Dylan and Lauren and us and life. It was pretty epic. I love sitting by her in algebra. And Lexi. We make an amazing supaaa team... of really loud, obnoxious, bubble headed bitchcakes. Yes, I did just refer to ourselves as bubble headed bitchcakes. It's probably because I need to eat. I guess I ate a grand total of one and a half cookies today at lunch, because I felt fat and I was in pain and I didn't want to get in line to buy actual food.

But, one last thing.
I ran the mile today. :] which is why I'm in pain... freakin blisters that are consuming my life right now. 'Think of nice weather, Emilie.' I might as well just yell at the closest person I can find.
+ Robyn Singer is a bitch and I fucking want her to die and burn in hell. The end!
(But don't worry, cops. I'm not planning on killing her. This is how I vent. Am I threatening her? Shut the FUCK up.)
But, back to the subject...
yeah... the mile... yeah. I did it.

THE END!

I'll never look at you the same way ever again.

"Sometimes, I think we, humans, made up God, as someone to blame our problems on."

I guess we like knowing where we stand in the world. But at the same time, where we stand is always an opinion. You can think you're well-grounded, but a friend could think you're the most selfish and inconciterate person they've met. You can be a super model, or Miss America, and half the world can think you're the ugliest person they've ever seen. That's why the world is the way it is. I've yet to decide whether it's a good thing or bad thing. But since it's only my opinion... there's not much I can say about it, though.

I compiled a list of boys who have fucked me over since seventh grade, hah. And the ones that fucked me over the most, were the ones I gave the most to. They were the ones I trusted and fell the hardest for. But, I guess it gets you nowhere to trust. I don't even trust my best friends anymore. Except for Hayden. Because he's the only shoulder I'll ever be able to cry on, and the only person I know will never judge me. He knows I'll be there for him no matter what, too. Anyways, I realized I need to stop settling for less than I deserve, and selling myself way too short. I end up giving my all to people who I barely know anything about, and when I find out, it's too late. They've probably already used me and left me. That's gonna stop.

I've realized, I'm probably leading the life of a future addict, at fourteen. I don't know when my court date is, but I know I need to stop smoking. I know I need to stop drinking, too, but at the same time, it's like, 'it's out of my system in 24 hours, I'm good for the test, whenever it is.' That seems to be all that matters to me, the test. And then the test is over, it's bottoms up again for me. And with the smoking... again, I don't even know when the test is, but I know I'm better safe then sorry. What if I get randomly tested next week? I smoked Thursday with Bear and Carlos and Greg. I know I should just try being clean so I'm guaranteed safe. But everytime I'm given the option of doing it, I take it. I wonder what it truly must take someone who knows they're fucking up their life. Someone who lost their virginity to a fucking pig she'd been dating for only 3 months at age 13, then going to parties and having sex with two boys in one night completely sober, while I left my best friend upstairs hanging out with a bunch of people she didn't even know. Smoking pot before she was 14 and a half and stealing her moms vodka and brothers shot glasses a few months later. It's not an addiction. I can stop whenever I want to, right?

Then why can't I stop now? 8:33pm. It's not on my mind. I'm not thinking about using. I'm not craving an escape or just a hit for the hell of it. Why can't I stop?

Oh, but it's been said, when I am dead, I'll be alone.
But I don't mind if I'm in Texas.

This is not the time or place for us to speak like this,
Even if I had the thought, I'd never dreamed of this.
So dry your hollow eyes, and let's go down to the water.
In a different time or place the words could make more sense,
In this perfect world, the future wouldn't make it down.
So dry your hollow eyes and let's go down to the water...
Even though it's the last time.









I'd kill to have the summer of 2008 back. You have no idea. Oh, and, all the amazing times when it was actually tolerable outside.
Today, I'm cleaning. I just wanted to blog first. I've said enough.

I love Alex.

Why can't you just love me back?

Peer pressure is my closest friend and it knows me by name. I like how I see it in the front of my mind and corner of my eye, but in the back of my mind, something says you know you want this.
Sobriety.

Today was a fairly decent day. I feel lame because I already blogged today, but it was way earlier in the morning. So far, I have completed zero of the tasks I wanted to complete today. Which is why I stole two 200 mg tablets of caffine and I'm planning on popping one of them soon, because my eyes are about to shut for the rest of the night. When I do go to sleep, I need to know I'll have pleasant dreams. For the first time in a really long time. If I can't truly be happy in real life, why can't I just dream? It's supposed to work like that. I don't know what else to try. I mean, they aren't nightmares. The kinds of dreams that I wake up screaming about. But, the kind I wake up crying about. The kind that I wish would stop haunting me from months ago. Someone's taken my place, and since I can't do anything about it, why can't I just stop thinking about it? Fuck my subconscious mind. Shit's always out to get me.

Earlier, I went to Home Depot and Staples with my mom. We actually ended up getting a computer mat for Annie... pretty exciting. Hopefully it works, since it almost cost 70 dollars. I also got a new stress reducer. It's one of those black felt drawing things, were it's like, white paper surrounded by black velvety shit that's supposed to keep you from messing up? Hopefully it'll work. I've gotten two colors down so far. I'm planning on making them, like, psychedellic. 'Cause I'm fucking epic like that. After that, we picked up Lauren because she was about to drive herself off the edge and a bunch of people were worried about her. Then we got food. THEN, we drank. And drank some more. And went to Giant to meet up with Hayden, steal some tests and shit, buy an extra large pizza (when we were gonna use the money for weed), met up with Christian, ate the whole entire pizza (between the three of us... Christian only ate the last piece), went to Huntsman lake and drank some more. We all saw Eddie, which was pretty cool, and Christian, Lauren and I chilled at my house some more. I guess you could sayy... I had a good day? Yes, I believe so. It was decent. Except, of course, Alex didn't pick up his phone. And I just realized earlier today, his girlfriend keeps rejecting my friend requests. It's not the pot fucking with my head, it's really happening. She must know about me. Maybe that means I've done something right.

I just realized that, four out of the eight lightbulbs above me are out. I feel like it's about time we replace them, rather than wait for the other four to die before we do something about it.

Yeah, he's a looker, but I really think it's guts that matter most,
I displayed them for you, strung out about from coast to coast.
I am easily make believe, just dress me up in what you want me to be.
I'll take back what I've been saying for quite some time now.

I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you, I'm not over you.
I gotta taste you one more time again, I'm all over you, I'm not over you.

In my day dreams, in my sleep, infatuation turning into disease
You could cure me, see all you have to do now is please, try
Give it your best shot and try, all I'm asking for is love
But you never seem to have enough.

I gotta feel you in my bones again, I'm all over you, I'm not over you.
I gotta taste you one more time again, I'm all over you, I'm not over you.
This life is way too short to get caught up and all mixed up and I
Just want you to love me back, why can't you just love me back?

Je voudrais mon amie.

It's too late, I'm sure, and lonely...
Another night, another dream wasted on you.
So just be here now, against me.
You know the words, so sing along for me, baby.
For heaven's sake I know, you're sorry. But you won't stop crying,
This anniversary may never be the same. Inside, I hope you know
I'm dying, with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that
May never be the same... And if I died right now, you'd never be the same.

Today it's supposed to be somewhere in the middle-high fifties. Not yet sixty-eight, but we'll get there someday. My plans for the day consist of going to Staples with my mom to get a computer mat (that's not even for the computer) and.. cleaning. All day. I'll be extremely lucky if I push myself to eat. It's going to be a pain in the ass, but hopefully it'll be worth it. This house is embarassing. I'd finally like for it to be a home, not just a house.

It's nine-thirty in the morning and I know I shouldn't be awake. Though, I went to sleep pretty early. I guess I'd been asleep for about 12 hours. Shortly before I woke up, I had a really fast-paced dream about driving on the same road I ALWAYS dream about (so I'm starting to think there may be something to it...), going to see Alex. But, in my other dreams, it doesn't lead to go to Alex. I don't even know. Anyways. My mom and I get there, and we go to some Chinese restaurant. Which doesn't make sense, because, one. It's just past a parking garage and the restaurant is nowhere near there o.0. and two. Simply because, why would we get Chinese food, 4 stores down from A Taste of Burma? Paha, it makes no sense. ANYWAYS. In my dream, as soon as we left to go to the restaurant, it was Alex and his guuuurl. I woke myself up. I've had too many of those dreams recently.

So, more boy problems. Or maybe, things are getting better. I told Kyle like it is. I feel good about it. And there's this other boy.. hmph. Yeah, let's not get into it NOW.

TWO days ago;
Bear Phillips called me. He wants to chill. WOOO. With his friend Carlos, and then Amber. BOWLING Amber, haha. (turns out, he just wants to fuck her. I told him she wouldn't be an easy beat. And he goes 'Fucking kidding? There need to be more Emilie Bliss' in the world.') So we're in the car, Carlos is rolling, I'm in the passenger seat, Bear and Amber are in the back with Carlos's boxers... and Greg goes out to his car. So I knocked on the window and got him to come over. Opened the door and the seatbelt thing like raped my face. Pretty interesting. He agreed to come chill with us, so the four of us went inside while Carlos was still in the car rolling. Bear played music, and I made videos. It was pretty epic, honestly. Then Carlos came in. Funfunnn. The whole room smelled like.. yeah. Then Bear's like 'let's go smoke.' at the end of one of the videos, so we went out in back and that's what happened. It was actually amazing. When we all came back inside, we talked about everything in the world, watched For the Love of Ray J, and Bear and I drew pictures of everyone. The picture I got drawn by Bear was pretty degrading, haha. But I loved it. The other ones that I drew were worse anyways.

So, altogether, this week has been kind of... harsh. But it's been good. As of this Monday, there will be only five more weeks of winter. Be excited!

Love you all.
Kaybye,.

If I was wrong, then I'm sorry.

Hello, world. "Wake up, shiney faces!"

It's seven-twenty AM. I've been awake since five-oh-eight AM. Kayleigh texted me, saying something along the lines of 'Too bad Cassie and MC have been talking shit about me behind my back.' Funny how things go around, and then come back around to nail you in the ass. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad. But she's not the one to end up in the hospital. She's not strong but she's stronger than me. She's working on it. And no matter how bad she fucked up, I have faith in her, and I'm not going to lose it. I told her I'd never forgive her. I probably won't. Not for what she did to me, at least. But I'm going to look at it as something to get past, learn from, and make us stronger and closer together. Shit happens, right? Please, no more suicide scares. How bout if it happens again, it happens right. I'll settle for that.

I still can't perfect Wonderwall. But I know the notes, right? Right. Thank you, Hayden. Maybe someday with enough trial... and fail... it'll turn out sounding decent. That is all.

I'm only home at seven-twenty-seven in the morning because at nine, I have an appointment with my second shrink. The bitchy one. I feel bad because I can't pronounce her last name. The spelling is Jourkiv... some crazy Russian or Czech name or something like that. It's something like 'yor-keef' but I don't wanna say it wrong. -.- She's going to be the one that manages my medications, and most likely, the only shrink I'm going to be seeing now. Well, maybe within the next two weeks. Which depresses me even more than helps me, because I love Dr. Schuh. I'd rather stop going to therapy altogether than to stop going to therapy with him.

Locakes just texted me saying 'get here before lunch, you're getting an industrial done!' I'm PSYCHED. I've been waiting for longer than a year. It's going to hurt worse than probably anything else I could possibly imagine, but I'm actually extremely excited. I feel like texting everyone I know right now telling them, hah. I'm going to owe Riad big for this. It's gonna be epic (:

Shanyways. I have a lot more to write about, but... I'm gonna go straighten my hair and make myself pretty. Not like I'm going anywhere special, just the psych ward... fun.

Things aren't the same anymore, some nights it gets so bad
I almost pick up the phone.
Trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns, I sleep in your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes, I know it's strange.
It's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you.
I've already given up on myself twice, third time is the charm, third time is the charm.
Through caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm.
And I've traced your shadows on the wall now I kiss them, whenever I'm down,
Whenever I'm down. Figured on not figuring myself out.

February (acoustic).

"Everytime you breathe, I hope you think of me." Those are the words you told me, told me.

You want me to always remember, I promise I always will. You'll watch and you'll wait for my return, I promise I'm coming home.
For all the lonely nights, when you're not feeling alive, look towards the midnight sky and wait for sunrise. This is the life we live, the only one that we know. It seems to never end, never end.


We all become someone we're not when we're in love. We trust, and that gives us the ability to be broken. We're that miserable kind of happy, or that happy kind of miserable. We all learn, but some of us never get it. Some of us look, but we never find it. It's when you're not looking, it all comes to you. Maybe that's why we kiss with eyes closed. You can't see perfection, you can only feel it. And it comes at random. You can't predict it. It catches you off-guard. That's what's so amazing about love. I've found it.

So, I have a crush. His name is Kyle. He knows it, I know it, my mom knows it, and another select few know it. I'm not going to go into detail about it right now. Maybe someday soon. But let's just say, I can see myself with this kid. And someday, it'll all work out. I'm happy again. We're not together, but that's okay.

I'm plotting a double murder. (please, take me seriously. Unless you're a cop. Or you're affiliated with cops. Then don't. And I know there are probably cops reading my facebook right now. STOP IT.) I'm sure you can guess who. I mean, trust me. I have the balls to kill myself... almost. I don't have the balls to curbstomp someone. (COUCH stomp.) But if I did, these bitches would be going down one after the other, painfully, fatally. So, whatever. But if I had my way with everything, they wouldn't be in existance right now. They would be vaporized by some sort of extra-terrestrial that eats intestines like I eat sushi. But if that extra-terrestrial needed assistance, Christian Hilderbrand and I would be right there eating those fucking intestines, too. (cause, you know, if I had my way with everything, I wouldn't have a sensitive stomach, either.)

Today, it was sixty-one degrees outside. First day of February. Tomorrow we're supposed to be getting another snow storm like last week. Beautiful. I spent all day outside, by myself. Except for when Cornelio was on his break, we talked, and he offered to smoke me out before he went back to work, cause his friend drove to Huntsman and they, I guess, hot boxed his car. I regret saying no, now. I'd probably be asleep right now if I had gone. But whatever, I hate being baked in public. But it's good though, cause I accidentally ran into my dad going into Giant while he was walking out of Giant. He made me feel like a piece of shit fuckup. Hey, what's new!?

Anyways, I obviously had lots of time to myself to think. Between texting Kyle, like, non-stop almost, I did lots of that thinking. I thought about my past relationships and how they've affected me (effected? I'm not sure), and my current relationship with Kyle... whatever you want to call it. And how fucked up everything else around me is. The things that make me happy are the things that make me miserable. I get my hopes up and they crash down so hard, it usually just drives me off the edge. I thought about love, and what it's supposed to mean to be in love. I got a call from Alex way earlier. It sparked everything. My hatred for everytime he says 'JUST LIKE JENNIE RANDA' has gone through the roof. But while I was walking home from Giant before I walked to the rec center, I realized, it's a day like this that would make me wake up and go, 'Hey, let's walk a few miles to go see the love of my life.' And I would, if a few miles was, like, four times less than the 28 miles the love of my life currently lives from me.

Today also reminded me of summer. It was sunny, and it was calm. The temperature was perfect (and when it reaches sixty-eight degrees, I swear, I will cry). And the sort of weather and mindset it put me in, was this sort of, I'd love to do something to make me happy right now. Take a taxi all the way to Sterling. And then get heartbroken. I think not? Be a little nostalgic motherfucker... sounds good to me. I'd hate to fall in love again. So let's just settle for, 'it's impossible.' Impossible is nothing. Nothing is impossible? I love Emily Ha. You don't understand. Because she doesn't understand. Which causes me to not understand. Which, is why, you wouldn't understand. Confused? Kaygood.

How bouts some snippets from my journal today? Exciting? I think so.

I'm sitting at the same place at the rec center on the bleachers that Alex, Thomas and I came to on 6/1/2008. The day Alex gave me the pillowcase note. Amazing.
I had a really good day yesterday. I spent it with Mr. Antis. I reallyreally like him, and I fell even harder for him yesterday. -- And you know what's shocking? I'm doing the right thing.

So I'm not even wearing shoes right now. I finally realized that I did that little 'don't leave the one you love for the one you like' thing. Fuck Nick, man. Rawr. So I've been all alone all day. My feet and tummy are cold. Fuck shadows. Tomorrow's groundhog day. I hope that motherfucking groundhog does NOT see his motherfucking shadow. But even if he does, I'm gonna be optomistic.

Hi. (: Let's break it doooown! (insert screamo hardcore badass breakdown here)

Pillow case note.. the most amazing note I've ever gotten in my life. No more than ten sentences? Probably even less than that. But you know what? It was sweet enough to make me melt, and blush more than I ever had in my entire life.

Mr. Antis and doing the right thing. Once again, not going into it! I refuse to fall in love. It's impossible. I don't care what you say.

I broke up with Alex, not only because I thought it would be hard, but because, I was scared I would hurt him over Nick if we stayed together. Another thing to prove that I threw everything away for this boy and got torn apart. But I've gotten smarter, and I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve again. Cause I know, I was always the better person. No matter what your opinions are about me. I'm loud, I'm obnoxious, I'm annoying, I'm stupid, I'm ugly. That's cool. I'm a down-to-earth, kind hearted person, and when I fall in love, it all goes to hell. I wish I could stress how I regret it, but if I had the chance to take any of it back, I never would.

See where this shit gets me? Sitting in front of a computer, typing about all of my mistakes. That's life. And for a fourteen year old girl, I think I've got it pretty down pat. And if you don't, I can't explain to you what any of it means, I'm still learning. So are you. You'll figure it out.

And one day, the world's gonna be alright, and there will be no pain.
Shut the ICU down tonight, cause everyone is safe.
And I will overlook this operation by your side.
Cause we're too young, we're still kids. We're too young, we're still kids.
I see your hearts get bigger when you lose your friends, and everyone around you
Is saying that it's not the end, it's not the end. But you cried so hard,
And I watched you grow so strong, and I made you laugh, in my arms.
In your tear-stained shirt, you felt the snowflakes on your back.
And you stood, so proud. You had me wishing, wanting, begging for some words from you.
You smiled to the crowd, that's enough for now.
We're too young, we're still kids. We're too young, we're still kids.
Take a break from the mess, you've done enough today, I saw you smiling like it's all okay,
And it will be soon.

On that day, we will be in charge, the weather's always bright
and sixty-eight degrees.