July.

And this'll be the first time in a week, that I'll talk to you and I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep,
Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek.
And I got the point that I should leave you alone,
But we both know that I'm not that strong, and
I miss the lips that made me fly.

I miss July. July was a very, very good month. The first (or second?) day of it, I woke up with this sense of knowing what needed to be done, and knowing how to do it. That day, I walked almost seven miles. To this day, I wouldn't take back a single step of it. Third day, I went to sleep with a smile on my face, and some sort of stupid anxiety that had been so familiar to me from exactly a year before. Fourth day, I woke up knowing everything would be alright. Fourteenth, fifteenth day... brief, but satisfying visits to the place I walked almost seven miles to (but this time, I didn't have to walk). Sixteenth day, I was almost rudely awakened by the need to get ready for a day in heat, and music, with the loves of my life. At the end of that day, I had an even better idea of what perfection was. And I could hold it, in my hand. Almost. Twenty-eighth day, was by far the best. It was the day I have to say I learned how bad it hurts to be so close to something, but so far away at the same time. But at the end of the day, none of that mattered. As soon as we were alone, things always changed. There was that perfection again, that couldn't be explained with words, only actions. But actions that had to be held back, depending on who was around. Though, it was also the day I realized, the world around doesn't have to matter. When you're in love. Everything got better under that starry sky, and next to the gorgeous lake that held the reflection of those stars. I no longer had to wait for the rest of the world to drift away, so that perfection could be displayed again. The whole entire world was right in front of me, and so was every bit of perfection the world had to offer.

And every single day of July, and every month after that, I learned more about what perfection was, and I fell more and more in love every single second.

The stars, they point to this.

I've been in a fairly creative mood recently. I suppose it's because most great art comes from great emotions. And I'm such an impulsive person that I think it's about time I start coming up with some good shit.

My Friday night was decent. I actually had a really good day at school, too. Lauren came home with me, we went to Hunstman, I saw Kyle and Michael, we met up with Abduluh, and we all chilled with a bunch of different people here and there. After we all went home, we made plans to sneak out with Abduluh and Omar. Omar was going to pick me up, we were gonna smoke, then we were gonna get Lauren and Abdul to come to his place. But they ditched. So Omar and I smoked, chilled, blah blah. Then Abdul took Lo home and Omar took me home, and we crashed. Eventually.

But it was fun; during the car ride back to drop me off, we came up with this freestyle rap about nigga's and KFC chicken and hoes and stupid shit like that. I swear I almost pissed myself. It was so funny.

Then Saturday was good, too. Lauren and I went to the PX and got a bunch of shit for our hair because we fucked it up drastically with the food coloring. Then dropped her off at her house and we both did our own hair. We both turned out looking actually really good, too! And then... that was my Saturday.

Sunday was the big day. The day I've been waiting for for.. a while. I guess. Julia, Hayden and I went to see Alex. I was excited at first, and then I realized, I was gonna get heartbroken again. So we showed up at Alex's house around... one something? Played music, convinced Hayden to get back together with Julia... so on. See, I'd die without that boy, I can guarantee it. We've been through tons together. He's the only shoulder I can really allow myself to cry on these days. Anyhoo. I told him to, cause one of us needed to be happy. He told me things would work out between me and Alex. I told him he was wrong. I was right.

After a while, we decided to walk to the restaurant to chill. About an hour later, in comes Alex's girlfriend. I broke down and cried, lots. Bluh. I guess I kind of wanted to be like FUCK YOU FOR EXISTING but, it's life. Someday I'll learn to face it like a big girl.

Today... three different appointments. I woke up way too early, and I know I'm probably staying up way too late. But I was able to finish all of the song I started last night, minus a bridge and a title, in like ten minutes today. It's like my baby. I didn't get to hang out with Kyle today like we were planning, but it's okay... maybe tomorrow? I hung out with Hayden quite a lot, though. I don't know how I got someone as amazing as him to be my best friend, but I did.

And right now, Kayleigh and I are okay. I knew I definitely didn't want to lose her, but I also knew, I already lost the person she used to be. Though I believed her when she said she was going to try to get it back. And I'm willing to wait.

Alex on the other hand.
Rawr rawr rawr. Let's just say, I'll be pissed as shit if he gets rid of the journal. Especially if he doesn't read it. I'd like to think he'd still be in love with me. But you know.. what do I know. I'll blog more later, I'm really distracted. Maybe sneaking out with Alex Wiseman again tonight. But NOT KYLE, cause he's super lame and not able to sneak out of his house. So anyways, yeah. I'll get back to this eventually.

I had a wonderful night last night..

I promise you, I swore it would work.

I wrote a note;
It said I loved my mom. It said call Alex and tell him I love him. Tell him to marry someone that makes him truly happy, that he can spend the rest of his life with. Tell him that I always wanted to be with him forever, no matter what. Alex is the most amazing brother I could ever have. That he and Liz were going to get married, and I promised I'd find a way to see it.. I believe it's possible. It said Hayden gets everything, and he's the only one allowed to read any and all of my journals. It said I wanted them either burned or sent to Alex. Or burned THEN sent to Alex. Either works. It said tell Nick he'd always be worth the wait, and worth being miserable (even if he may not be). I don't remember what else it may have said, but, it's still on my bedroom floor, where I was curled up, thinking of all the possible reasons I wanted it all to just end.

I locked myself in my room and tried to get ahold of Alex, to tell him I loved him. But everytime we spoke, it was brief.. and I couldn't get up the courage to tell him anything I was planning, or even that I was in love with him. Tears just started falling even harder and I could speak because of my lack of breath and stability. I thought that I'd be fine if I just spoke to him one last time, and told him he's the most important thing in the world to me. See, I like thinking that there's something there for us in the future. But I don't like the fact that, it's not guaranteed. I don't want to be set up for a let down or heartbreak. I don't want to wait and wait and then realize, what I was waiting for isn't even going to come. With what I did last night, everything was either black or white. If I don't spend the rest of my life with Alex, there's nothing else to look forward to. And if there's nothing else to look forward to, why waste my time being miserable, waiting for happiness, when obviously it's not going to come?

I emptied a bunch of Prozac pills onto my bed. The tens and twenties were all mixed up, and I had no idea which was which. I thought, and thought, and thought. I was wrapped up in an electric blanket that wasn't turned on in my extremely cold room. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable, physically as well as mentally. I've been sore recently from dancing, trying to make use of myself and my time. My legs hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt, and I was just hurting emotionally even worse. I kept trying to call Alex, and crying, and went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. No make-up, which made me feel even worse. I kind of think that if I'd maybe just taken a long shower and put on makeup and made myself feel all pretty and shit, things would be different. But on the otherhand, I still feel like I want to die, so... it didn't do shit.

I went back into my room and picked up all the pills. My mom was in bed, it was dark, and I don't think she could tell I was going downstairs. I got a cup out of the cabinet, filled it with water, and started popping, one by one. I was high, and dizzy, and loopy. Kind of like I just smoked the biggest joint of my life. I was numb, like I was on vicodin, and rambling, like I was drinking. I tripped over my own feet and ran into doors... it was darker since I took the pills than it was even beforehand. I went back upstairs and fell on the floor in my mom's room. I did something similar to the first time I came home stoned. I went 'Mommy, we have a problem.' and told her what happened. She told me to go puke, but I was saying something about how I didn't want to and how I just wanted them all to do what I wanted them to do. I told her not to make me go to the hospital because I didn't want my stomach pumped. But, yeah, she made me. When she left the bathroom to go back into her bedroom.. I popped more. (God, I keep wanting to type pooped.)

After a couple minutes of rolling around and mumbling some more, we got on the road to the hospital. I wouldn't shut up, or stay still. All the lights on the parkway were so bright. We got there and I was basically immediately questioned about what I took, how much I took, etc. and placed on a bed with an IV in my arm and EKG monitors attatched to me. Lauren decided she was going to come and stay with me for a while, which was good. So she did, right after I finished the entire cup of charcoal mixed with chocolate syrup, the most disgusting thing of my life. Blah blah blah, we wait... then I'm told I'm getting admitted to Fairfax inova. How fun. So Lauren and her dad go home, and finally I get put in an ambulance bed and taken to the other hospital. I don't get to sleep for, like, forever, because more and more people had to ask me questions until about 5:30 in the morning.

I fell asleep again during the inauguration, which I had been waiting for the swearing in since 8am, then woken up for breakfast. I got finger food, because they wouldn't give me utensils. Exciting. Then my mom and brother came back in, which was exciting... followed by my dad. Not so great. I ate lunch, my mom brought a couple articles of clothing from home (which I didn't need, because I was discharged about an hour and a half later), and I refused to let them leave. We watched more CNN and shit, and then finally I was released. Fun fun fun. No promises that it won't happen again, it just won't be for a while. A long while. I at least need to live long enough for Alex to teach me how to drive... and then I could go to Sterling whenever the fuck I wanted to! It'd be amazing.

So needless to say... I am tired. Extremely, extremely tired. By the way, the bathrooms at the hospital are crazy. Not as bad as in jail, where there's a hole in the middle of the room shared with a bunch of other people with no privacy. At least there's a curtain, but I think when you're in there for the reason I was, they make your babysitter go in the bathroom with you. I was pissed. I think it's sad that I still don't think of it as "trying to kill myself wasn't worth everything I had to go through in the hospital," I think of it as "being alive isn't worth everything I had to go through in the hospital, and will go through for the rest of my life." Hopefully it will change. I went to therapy right after I got home from the hospital, and I'm going again tomorrow and 1pm. No school, yusss. My main concern at the moment, is sleep. I swear, I will have the best sleep of my life tonight. I think.

I can promise that... I'm not making any promises. I love contradicting myself.

HAI GUIZ;

I EAT COCK. SEND PICZ OF YOUR PENIS PLZ.
-Nick.

;D oh how he amuses me. When we TALKED. Anyways...

I've spent all day cleaning and dancing. More dancing than cleaning, though. Which isn't a problem for me, it's just probably not too great considering I've made more of a mess 'cleaning' than I actually have progress, and that's going to bite me in the ass when I end up burning out and falling asleep while the house looks like a tornado hit it. It seems to happen like that a lot. Mon pere came over earlier because I chose not to reply to his text message or pick up the phone when he called, nor have I even bothered to listen to the message he left on the answering machine (even though I was standing right next to it while it was recording) and get rid of the obnoxious beeping that won't freaking stop.

I suppose yesterday turned out alright. I spent most of the day in a terrible mood, just because I could. My mom and I went to post to get things from the PX and commisary, then back to the PX for a coffee maker and vaseline-like stuff. After sushi, I guess it got better. We came home as Hayden was riding his bike up to my house. Weird D:. So he helped us bring groceries into the house, attempt to set up the coffee maker and make coffee (uhh duhh), ate pita bread and hummus, and... made videos of us dancing like gangsters in my room. And then raving to Sandstorm, cause we're super amazing like that. I'm too lazy to upload the videos now, so I guess I MIGHT get around to doing it later.

I bought perfume that smells like 'Emilie,' the most amazing smell in the world. It makes me think of the way things used to be, just because I used to wear it all the time. -.-; lawl. It smells like vanilla, and I'm honestly in love with it. So was Alex, I guess? Needless to say, I'm very happy. Makes me think of good things, not the shitty stuff in the past. Until something bad happens while I'm wearing it... then I'm pretty sure my nostalgic self will never be able to wear it again, without thinking of the terrible things that it reminds me of.

I also found tobacco for the hookah... that I can't find. It's ridiculous. I know it has to be somewhere in this house, cause that's the kind of thing that Alex would have remembered taking with him when he moved. I don't know the last time he smoked it, and I don't think he remembers, but once I get off the computer... I'm determined to find it. Then back to dancing around like a faggot in my underwear and attempting to clean the living room. After that, the kitchen. Unless I fall asleep. I kind of think I need to throw food in there somewhere, because my stomach is beginning to yell at me. My curiousity about words and spelling that amaze me is beginning to kick in again; stupid ADD. That reminds me!; I'm going to the clinic even sooner than I was supposed to, because I'm getting a higher dosage of my medication and speed for my attention deficit disorder. I could have typed ADD but that would be, like, too many caps. Yeah, I'm gay, I know. How exciting? Very.

So, yeah. I guess I'll eat. Or look for the hookah. Or clean. Or make a new CD. But whatever I do, I'm gonna have fun doing it.

NOT. -.-

Marry me, stay the same

Lie to me and try to say you never will.

Being faced with what I'm faced with, I feel
Like I can't rock. A rock hit my heart,
Start to chain the day, exploded into pieces.

I woke up in a really good mood yesterday, but it kind of seemed like everybody had something out to get me. MC decided she's going to stay with Nick. That was probably the lowest point of my day. My cramps decided they weren't going to let me go back to sleep. My mom decided we had to leave for Walmart and post at, like, 9 in the morning. And winter... don't get me fucking started on how bad I wish I could kick winter's ass. I was going to smoke with Bobby and maybe Hayden, but Bobby went from being like 'Yeah I have some,' to 'Sorry, don't have any,' to 'I'll bring my friends and we'll all throw down,' to 'I'm broke.' So that was pointless. Hah, we're not even friends; we're basically just using eachother for weed. -.- Then my phone decided to shit out and did the same thing that it did forever ago, where it wouldn't let me do anything. I had service but it told me I didn't? Idk. So I eventually just turned it off and went to sleep. And apparently Hayden and Bobby had both been calling me non-stop last night. So yeah, basically, my day still sucked. I cried in the car because I'm a nostalgic bitch and all I could think about was everything that Nick and I went through together. And no, I won't get over it. I can't get over it, and I refuse to try. It won't work. And obviously, I don't want it to work. I want things to go back to the way they were. But no... I don't even know.

I've also come to the realization that, no matter how serious I am about this whole Alex thing working out, the fact still remains that we're only fourteen. I don't want to spend four or six or ten years waiting to have the person I'd do anything for at any given time, just to be let down, and have been wasting my entire life on something that no one could truly promise me. All the plans we've ever made, probably won't mean anything by the time we're both legal. Us living together and getting married and having kids that are all named after band members and songs. I've lost hope in getting over people. See: Nick; first paragraph; recent blogs; my LIFE. I don't want to be let down again and again. And if he's only trying to get my hopes up to keep me alive, it's fucked up. I'd rather just know now. Then I can stop wasting time and space and being miserable and I can just let everyone do what they want, without me getting in their way and pissing them off and hurting myself in the process. See: Nick; MC.

Although, I can't say I didn't warn myself this would happen, from the day I fell for him and he was already dating Jessie, to the day we hooked up at the mall with Aubrey and Christian, to the day we got together, to the day we broke up. The first, second and basically third time (we weren't officially together, we just really liked eachother and began having sex again and shit). And I can't say I didn't warn MC; I tried my hardest. I got so excited a couple days ago. For nothing. :/ I can't say it doesn't hurt. It hurts way too bad for words. I'm sure she knows it hurts me way too bad for words, too. But it doesn't mean anything. I understand what I've put people through and I understand I need to change. But the shit Nick put me through... it just isn't fair that I can't get over him. And Alex... I don't even know what's real anymore. It's real love, I know that. But if he feels the same, honestly, and we'll both feel the same when it counts... who the fuck knows.

I feel really loved.

I started crying when I read this on facebook;

Brothers friend;
My mom is doing good. She didn't know what to do with us. Ha Ha. I'm in Woodbridge right now. I got married a few years ago, going through a divorce now. I have the smartest, cutest little girl. She'll be 4 in April. She is going to turn me into the dad that is waiting at the front door with a baseball bat. Let's go grab a couple drinks sometime.

My brother;
Sure, man, absolutely. My sister turned me into that big brother. She's almost 15 now. What are you doing for work? Where you hang out these days?

I just thought I'd post that. Because it honestly proves to me that my brother is absolutely the most amazing brother anyone could ever have. And he's MINE. Not yours. Not anyone elses. Mine. And he has been for the past fourteen years and seven months. Kay, thank you, and goodbye.

It feels like it's been a while.

Yeah, so basically, since my last blog, I got my tattoo! It's gorgeous. I've had way too many people go 'oh my God, it looks just like Jennie's. Did you copy her?' and now I think it's the time to start this little FAQ thing going on. So, here we go!

FAQ:

Q: Did you copy Jennie Randa?
A: no. I didn't. This has nothing to do with Jennie. I don't talk to Jennie, I don't acknowledge Jennie's existance, why would I want something on my body forever that reminds me of Jennie Randa? Jennie and I HATE eachother. Hate. I know it is a strong word. I use it to its full intent, right here.

Q: Did you know Jennie Randa has a tattoo just like that?
A: Uh, yeah. I'm not totally oblivious. I've heard about it, I've seen it, and I've seen pictures of it. It's cool. I don't idolize her or her body ink. It's really not that interesting. It only is to you because you're like 14 to 16 and your moms and dads don't let you get tattoo's. In a year or so, you'll have even cooler ones.

Q: Why puzzle pieces, cause JENNIE RANDA did it?
A: NO. NO NO NO. FUCK JENNIE RANDA. Her tattoo can suck my dick. Because someone got a tattoo or a piercing or a Barbie doll before I did, does not mean I 'copied' her. I didn't even seek inspiration from her idea to get a tattoo. Wanna know where I got it? A Winnie the Pooh puzzle I was putting together after I woke up at 5am one morning and watched Winnie the Pooh because I couldn't go back to sleep. But you know where the whole idea of the tattoo came from? Do you REALLY wanna know? Then I'll make a continued question about it.

Q: Why puzzle pieces? (cont.)
A: Alex Gregory Ha. If you know me, you at least know about him. I'm in love with him, blah blah. Kay, so like, on his birthday (7.28.08), I got to spend basically all day with him. After we left Lucas's house, we went to the lake, because he didn't want either of us to have to go home. It was dark, the sky was clear, with tons and tons of stars. It was gorgeous, on the field in front of the water and the sky, just us. We were talking about how we loved eachother and how everything would work out between us in the end. How we'd get married, and how distance had nothing on us. (I guess we were partially wrong, seeing that we're obviously not together right now.) I think of that night every single day of my life, honestly. And my memory of it is extremely vivid. Even if things between us don't work out in the end and we aren't meant to be together forever (even though we kinda both already know we are), my first love will always mean something to me. I'm gonna feel this way forever. And now I have something on my body that reflects that. The. FUCKING. End. Now you know. Oh and by the way, I felt like puzzle pieces would be the best way to illustrate it; they go together perfectly, and there isn't another piece in the world that could take its place. And obviously, the stars in it represent the sky that was above us that night. See, aren't I so creative? -.-

Q: You do realize the puzzle pieces don't fit, right?
A: Shut up. They're supposed to. They're close enough, so shut the fuck up.

Q: You do realize you're not original, right?
A: No one's original. So I mean... I'm definitely not going to deny that. I'm just more original than you. I thought of the design by myself, because I'm the only one that has this mindset, and such a vivid memory of what the meaning of this was like. Jennie's tattoo's sentimental value is for her dad, who died when she was little. Notice the word 'DAD' in the puzzle piece. Mine has nothing to do with that. I have my own sentimental value, and that's all that counts. So suck my dick.

Q: Do you wanna be like Kat Von D or something?
A: Gorgeous... but not my thing. I'm more of a piercing person that tatoo, honestly. I like change way too much, and I think that I'd hate myself if I covered my body in things I could never change or erase. Unless I wanted to do it painfully. Which isn't my preference, because I already went through enough pain to get it done. Cause it's on my hip bone. I mean come on, ow.


That's the end of my FAQ. I've probably been asked more questions but I don't remember them all. I'm pretty sure most of them are self-explainatory, people are just stupid and ask questions anyways. So onto my next topic.

I've been feeling shitty once again. And what's the reason this time? Obviously Nick. It feels like I don't exist at all anymore when it comes to him, which, in all honesty, means mostly all the time. It's depressing, and no one realizes how much of an impact it has on me. It's ridiculous how he can't even acknowledge the fact that I'm alive. So less than an hour ago, once again, I was about to make it possible so that I DIDN'T exist anymore. It seems like a really good idea, and it has for a really long time. I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing, but he doesn't give a shit. I'd be content with going, 'Let's forget I love you. Let's forget we were ever friends. Let's forget we dated and that I had sex with you way too many times to count. Let's forget you took my virginity and then cheated on me with my best friend. Let's forget we've known eachother since seventh grade and let's become the best friends we used to be. I'm still the same Emilie. Throw in some drugs and alcohol and a lot more outgoingness, self-awareness and depression problems, but it's still the girl you fell in love with.' I'd love to become best friends with him again, start over and maybe I'd have another chance. I don't see how feelings change over night like he always says they do. And honestly, I still don't believe him. Since basically the beginning, I've felt taken advantage of, and for some reason, I keep going back for more. I'd like to think he could possibly feel the same way. He at least has to understand that it hurts like HELL to see him dating a close friend of mine. It also hurts like hell knowing she has the decency to do that to me after everything I've told her. But whatever. It's bitchy but with my bipolar issues... I seldom remember that they're not going to last forever. Regardless, I still have all the notes. I have the one saying he'd never leave me and that he wanted to take his last breath kissing me, and I still read the comments between us when I felt like the only girl that existed. Now, I barely exist. He's forgotten everything, and it doesn't help everything else I'm going through.

Hard topic to get off of. My stomach is doing twists and turns and I'm crying my eyes out right now. I need someone to come cheer me up. I'm supposed to be buying two grams from Angel tomorrow. But it's super expensive. Well, compared to Danny. I miss when he was just a dealer rather than some dude that's obsessed with fucking me and Lauren... but either works.

Hmph... but I know what might help. Yesterday during what would have been our sixth period... me, Alison, and Lauren. Baked as shit. Sitting in mud, freezing our asses off, patrolling the house, sitting at the bottom of the hill that Bear announced he used to like having sex on. Most amazing day of my life. Lauren and Alison kept dropping the weed, and my amazing self found it in the grass under Alison. We made the lamest pipe in the world out of materials we found at school, and we discovered, we're really hot and we sing a lot when we're high. (That rhymed...) I also realized. They're my best friends. No matter how much shit Lauren talks about me. I just don't trust people anymore. But they're the most fun to be around, and they're like. Intense. And we're the most gorgeous girls you'll ever meet in your life, I can promise you. I collected a bunch of random things from around the school and the hill, including a bottle rocket stick, part of Alison's weird pen that Lauren broke, chicken sub wrapper (AHAHA!), and... a skittles wrapper? We ran into a bunch of weird people, and we got pretty scared quite a few times. No more dorks climing up mountains with no shoes on, even though that would have been extremely funny. But anyways, we had a good time fucking around. It was pretty epic. And everyone else missed it :D.

So... gah. I'm still in a bad mood. Shitty mood. TERRIBLE sad depressed suicidal-ass mood. I feel like sleeping but I have a headache that's so bad, I feel like it's going to disable me to. Thus, I'm leaving. Posting this, and then... I don't know what. But you might hear from me later.

<3.

You don't have to worry.

She could be money, cars, fear of the dark,
Your best friends are just strangers in bars.
Whoever she is, whoever she may be,
One thing's for sure, you don't have to worry.
She could be rainy days, minimum wage,
A book that ends with no last page.
Whoever she is, whoever she may be
One thing's for sure, you don't have to worry.

First day back at school since the 23rd... aka, another day in hell. I'm beginning to think once again that I'd be better off in a rehabilitation facility; no drugs, no alcohol, no two faced bitches that act like your friends and stab you in the back terribly and dicks that use you for sex and forget you've basically existed. I'd rather be locked up in a room full of crazy people than have to face life as it is, because the way life as it is may currently be, I spend everyday somewhere I'd rather not be and come home to the only place that usually makes me happy, and wonder if life's really worth living when it just hurts so bad.

Needless to say, I'm having problems with a boy that goes by the name Nicholas Timothy Stone again. I'm sure most of you are familiar with my relationships with him, or recently, lack there of. I have admitted to myself and many other people that I've written him off as a possibility, and I've been attempting to get over him. Then I get lonely and text him, or talk to him online, or get drunk and call him. For some reason, I keep thinking he's worth the time and energy. And for some reason, it's so easy for him to just come in my life, get my hopes up, break my heart and get up and leave like I never mattered to him. I know it's probably all my fault for letting him use me and take advantage of me like he does, or used to, when he wanted a rebound girl, and I was obviously always there. But this time, I've gotten myself - and he made everything worse - into a really huge problem. And he's being a total dickshit about it. Just another thing that makes me question who I could ever trust. I should have never trusted him. I should have just forgotten about him a long time ago. But I gave him everything I had and he still has it, and it's totally not fair that he feels like he can use that against me now, advertantly or inadvertantly. I have every right to be upset with him, it's just, only a few of you understand ALL the shit he's put me through. I hope MC has fun getting to know the real him. Fuck them both.

It's 2k9!

So happy fucking New Year! The very end of my 2008 and very beginning of my 20o9 was completely and utterly fantastic. Locakes and I went to this amazing party, got trashed, made the funniest videos in existance, and made so many friends. Well, I did... Lauren was too busy sucking Mike's face. Whom, by the way, is not even attractive. He was at first, but even though I was drunk... no, I wouldn't kiss him. It was a total sausage fest, but that made it even more fun for us. I swear, the beer in the red cups had acid in it. But I didn't do it, cause I was already panicing from being off my meds for like, three days. I yelled so loud when the ball dropped on TV, ran into like four different walls, rejected three different guys and embarassed the hell out of Lauren. Example? She's in a corner, sitting in a puddle of beer basically fucking Mike, and I come in the laundry room where they are with a bunch of different guys going 'LAUREN, YOUR BOYFRIEND'S TEXTING ME.' Bitch move, much? Funniest shit in the world, no one can deny it. Blah, so anyways. We left the party at about two, and since it was all the way out in fucking Centreville, it took us about a half hour or so to get home. My mom woke up and noticed we weren't there, so she called me in the car when we were almost to Huntsman Square. IDSHFOISDHF. I called her back as soon as we got out of the car saying that we were setting off fireworks at Hayden's house. It was believable.

So basically, I had the greatest New Year's eve/beginning of my life. Even spending the night with Nick last year didn't compare, even though it was amazing, too. I'm so glad we got hit by a car as soon as we were on the way to New York... I'm sure I had a way better time at that party than I would have freezing my ass off in New York anyways.



And since it's a new year, and I tend to believe New Year's Resolutions help, I guess I'll post some here? They're obviously not set in stone, but it's something to consider and look back on, and hopefully accomplish.



Number one; make it to 100 pounds or less by my birthday (5/16) and keep it that way until 2010. I've got plans worked out that will hopefully help me to reach that goal, and it's something I've finally decided I can't give up on.

Number two; beat last summer and see Alex 20 times this summer. Summer 2008 only made it to 14, because he moved, but otherwise, I'm sure we would have made it. So even though he lives even further now, I'm going to try to make it work.

Number three; finally spend the night with Alex. It's something we've been wanting to do for a really long time now, and was supposed to have happened by now. But this year, hopefully we can make it happen? YUSSS!

Number four; start dance at Buffa's again in September. I've always loved to dance, and honestly, I can be pretty good at it. I took dance lessons for 9 years straight, I don't know what happened that made me want to stop. So before this year's over, I'm going to start it up again. I'm excited already, and it's just the second day of the year. Until then, I'm obviously going to keep dancing on my own. I love it. (:

Number five; get a tattoo. I already know what I want it to be; on my lower back or my hip, probably the left side, I'd love to get two small puzzle pieces that would fit together, but are seperated, with stars in them. It would signify what Aubrey's tattoo would basically signify, but two different boys, just the same idea; Alex's birthday in 2008, at the lake sitting under the stars for a long time, talking about how everything would work out between us, because we loved eachother and nothing could ever change that, especially distance. My first love means so much to me, it always will. I don't want anyone to underestimate that. But, honestly, it doesn't matter if they do or not. I know in my heart that it's love, and it's going to last forever; I want a tattoo to always remind me of it, too, that'll last forever.

Number six; rearrange my room and paint my doors rainbow colors. No explaination needed in my opinion, it'd just be pretty fucking badass. Plus, I love changing things around and making them pretty, and I hate when things are plain. Everyone who knows me knows that. I think it's really fucking obvious.

Number seven; stop being so freaking obnoxious. Even though I'd be a totally different person if I wasn't, I'd just like to learn not to scream and be so loud, and gawd I hate my laugh. Haha. I'll figure out how to elaborate later.

Number eight; lots and lots of parties. Get trashed or stay sober, just have fun. Make friends with people I never thought I'd be friends with a couple years ago. Just keep becoming more outgoing and confidence will come. I've learned that recently. I'm always going to be changing, but no matter what, I always want to know I have the ability to be happy with myself.

Number nine; become less pukey. I hate how sensitive my stomach is, and how often I have to vomit, or do vomit, or just spend my time being afraid I'm going to vomit. Really, it's disgusting. I'm high, I puke. I'm drunk, I puke. I eat something, I puke. I don't eat something, I puke. I'm too hot, I puke. I'm too cold, I puke. I smoke a cigarette after not having one in a long time, I puke. I get anxious, I puke. I cry too hard, I puke. I get too high to remind to blow out the smoke and swallow it, I puke. I see blood, I puke. I'm sure it's pretty disgusting to be around me when my friends know I'm always puking. That's why my nickname's Pukey. Guh.

Number ten; keep all my New Year's Resolutions. I have a few more, but they're just little things, that I either can or can't follow through on. I know I have the ability to do all of these things, it's just, willpower's a problem for me.



But this year, I'm going to get my learner's permit to operate a vehicle, and I'm super fucking excited. I mean, I have to wait another eleven months for it, and then nine months to actually get my drivers liscense... it'll be worth it. And when I start driving, all hell's breaking loose. I can't wait! And there's my 2010 resolution number one... don't get in too many car accidents, and better yet, don't die. o_o