I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move.
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon.
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow.
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know.
We've had some times we'd trade for the world.
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go.

we live on front porches and swing life away,
we get by just fine here on minimum wage.
if love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
swing life away. swing life away. swing life away.
swing. life. away.



I love life.
I hate life.

everything about it is so exciting, until the disappointment arrives.

why do I see his face, even when my eyes are open? why has everything been blacked out of my memory until just now. it's just not fair.

this has already been the best school year of my life.
no one intimidates me. only memories. only when I can't control myself long enough to remember what happened while it was happening. long enough to not even realize my life would never, ever be the same.

you took it back, how could you go and do something like that?
my fingernail phase, the worst has got the best of you, I ask you and I know I need to change.
you took it back, you ripped my heart out of me, then you put it back.
I'm pulling my hair, I let you just a million times, I love you even though it isn't fair.

so about how wonderful life is... now that that's out of the way.
I hate the cold.
I love the cold.
I have a love/hate relationship... with the cold. it works when it's sunny jacket weather, or it's pouring rain and I can dance it it. I hate the cold unless I have someone to cuddle with. I love the colors of autumn. I hate the nakedness. I love Halloween. I hate November first. I love the hype. I hate the disappointment.

www.myspace.com/37107546

fine dan I'm done blogging.
random stuff.
I love you.

:)

I've been sitting here, waiting for hours to see your face again.

You can't keep anything skin deep
and what you can touch must turn to dust.


Well, I don't have a boyfriend, but I have that 'feeling like you're in a brand-fuckin'-new wonderful relationship' feeling. I can not complain.

An abundance of sunshine, once again. Tomorrow afternoon will be a spent on an hour of therapy. What a waste.

But I must correct myself. There is such a thing as a waste of time, and I've been experiencing it since the beginning of this year. I've realized that I can't write without being pessimistic. It's seemed like there's nothing I can pick apart because the only thing that imputes depth the majority of the time in my head are depressing thoughts. I'd be here typing this while I was high, but it wouldn't make any sense. oh fucking well, I guess I just suck.

I just want to let you know that I'm sooo satisfied with life right now. I hate the way guilt eats at me, and how I know I should stop being a stupid bitch and dump out the half-empty can of flat beer and get rid of the empty bottle of vodka from this past weekend, because everytime I get these feelings like something bad is gonna happen, it does. My creativity just had, like, a dinosaur shit on it, though. I thought I was doing well. it was the pride. maybe the chemicals. maybe the fact that I can't stop thinking about dis one kid and it's like PISSING ME OFF but not really. It's driving me stupid. But I'll still tell you, I'm so satisfied with it. This has already been the best school year of my life, and it can only get better. I haven't had a caffeine crash in so long, or at least not deadly like I used to. I stopped biting my nails (I can't remember if I blogged that before), because willpower is a wonderful thing. I've alternated between words like snazzy and wonderful and spectacular for about a month now; now that it's started, I don't think it's going to stop. Today, I was supposed to go on a photography field trip, but I didn't turn in my permission slip & janx so I didn't.

but I got kissed. :) worrrrrd.

I've started saying word quite frequently. It had never been habitual for me, but since I was three and my brother was drunk in the garage telling me to use 'word' & 'monay' & random shit like that, I've been thinking about that conversation more often then not. Works for me, I suppose. I've also been making ostrich noises, getting in arguments with Mr. Kohlreiser because he sucks at life & I'm wonderful, managing to only use my hall pass once this quarter, and following through on being organized in school.. for the most part. It'd totally help if I still had my locker combination sheet, because knowing myself, I'll probably go in there in March and be like, 'Yeah so I don't know my locker combination' & Mrs. Mandeville would be all WTF on my ass. and for the record, my father is still an asshole. he let everything go to his head and now he's just being lame. Sometimes I think he's a crazy motherfucker and can see what EVERYONE is doing on the internet... I'm telling you I'm terrified of this shit.

and anyways.

I've spent the last ten months and twenty days in every frame of mind that could possibly be imaginable for a human being. I have probably contributed one fifth of my endurance of tears to my lifetime since January of this year. But it seems like I've gained appreciation for every single thing on earth, and every single person I'll ever meet. It's like, they know something I may never learn in my lifetime, every single one of them has taken something from the world and mustered a thought that no other soul or mind could ever come up with. We're such fascinating beings sometimes. One single person in this world could be the one that finds the cure for cancer or gets us out of this galaxy, and all I've been wanting recently is to find out what it's like to be dead, to find out what it's like to be one with the earth and not with the complexity of what we're destroying our world with. I want to know how we're going to end, and I want to know when. I want to decide whether or not it's going to happen in my lifetime, if I'll ever get to hear all the things I thought I wanted to hear from the first boy I fell for, if I'll graduate high school, if I'll have kids, if I'll be the person people remember for generations. I want to figure out how to figure out the future. The only reason we're skeptic about dem Mayans, is because they didn't fuck up the world like we did. They knew what was going on, they were in touch with everything. We're in touch with nothing. We'll never know what it's like to exist, so one day, we'll find out what it's like to cease to exist. Before we even know what's going on. We got here too late, and no matter how bad I want to, I'll never know why it is this way.

...the internet is a scary thing. I think it'll end us. Don't even judge me. You're gonna think I'm so weird. fuckkk haha.

So when things progress.. you'll be the last to know, but you'll know. :)

We're fated to pretend.

I love when words just pop into my head and make me tear up, even if they don't make sense; they just flow in a way that breaks barriers all around me and makes everything fall right into place. When those words collide and give everything meaning, creativity reminds me I'm alive. I wish I could tell stories that everyone would relate to and envy, but I can't make words flow like that outside of my head. I'm just not that impressive... but I'll always try until something changes.

Tomorrow, autumn is supposed to become a lot less shitty. Tuesday's high is sixty-eight degrees... just thought I'd throw that in there a tad. There has been non-stop cold and rain for days now, and I've been just about ready to kill everyone around me if the sun didn't come out. I'm being very optomistic about this week, which hopefully means it'll finally be a good one. Last night, I cried more than I believe I've cried since Toby found out about John. But after tossing and turning for hours, I finally got a good night sleep after a really long talk with Toby. Things are looking up, I suppose. I'm done getting my hopes up, because it just makes me fall even harder. But, life happens. Whatever goes, and when it goes, it won't suck the life out of me anymore. I'm too happy to be sad :)

I love you.

Note to self: I miss you terribly.

I love you.

Cigarettes on cold days like this. I wonder if Cassandra misses her LB Bruins swearshirt, cause I've been wearing it avidly. Kelsey, I regret not being myself because karma punched me in the balls when I found out you were missing. I can't wait to see you again and fuck shit up massively. The color orange... I was going to paint my ceiling neon orange, or some shade of orange lighter than my ugly fucking carpet to return to the legacy of amazingness that my room carries. Autumn, because you bring me the smell of crisp sketch processes that are the blue prints for my long and mysterious school year. You're what I always remember most. Mouthwash, because you seem to fix everything.. and taste really good. It's rather convenient. Journals, because you never judge me. You don't hate me when I fuck you up and tell you all the mistakes I've made. When leaves start to fall and practically beg me to rake them up and jump into them. Creativity, because it's how I know I'm still alive.

I love being able to leave the hate behind me now, and I love being able to smile at people I've never met and sit places with people around me laughing and not have to think they're laughing about me. I like not breaking down and being silent when I'm sad and then lashing out at people for hours, and regretting it right after. I like being able to not want to fuck my former best friend up whenever I hear her name, but actually have her come over to my house and get drunk and hang out like we used to last year before everything fucked up.

I'm just excited for life in general now. it just doesn't get any better than this. :)


the weather is absolutely shitty. for as cold as it is right now, it should be snowing. but it's just too lame... I dislike it. a car crashed into the back of a school bus this morning. Ms. Ord let us all get up one by one to look at it, which probably makes her the coolest teacher ever (that, and how she helped dispose of one of her students explosives that were glued to his book project by flushing them down the toilet). I chose not to bring an umbrella to school today, as well as choosing to wear slippers with holes in the bottom of the soles so my feet and pants got soaked and froze, basically. other than that, my day was relatively good. though, I've had a pretty amazing week. Monday, Tori, Greg and I celebrated not having school by getting extremely smacked. there is no way I can object to that. Tuesday, walked aimlessly with Dan. Wednesday, walked aimlessly with Dan. Thursday, walked aimlessly with Dan, and went to Potomac Mills. there's no way I can object to that, either. he makes meh all happy, when he picks me flowers and whole entire fucking bushes and constantly reminds me of his lurkin'ness. it's irresistable, I must admit. tonight is Lauren's night. I'm intending to figure out what I'm doing to my room sometime soon. I apologize for my lack of sophisticated sounding words and randomly deep subjects, it's been a day or so since I've felt poetic at all and now I'm just blogging because I feel obliged to. I'm tired as ballsacks, you have no idea. I might as well go. I'll come back to you lovely bloggers who do not even care about my life when I have something radical to say.

I love you... again.

We're not underground by accident, there's only a select few that can handle this freek shit

What's my price and will you pay it
if it's alright?
Take it from my dignity and waste it til it's dead.
Throw me back into the gutter cause it's alright.
Find another pleasure fucker, drag 'em down to hell.

Cast out, buried in a hole.
Struck down, forcing me to fall.
Destroyed, giving up the fight.
Well I know I'm not alright.

When you were mine, you know we had it all in front of us, you were the one, I was in love. But you always hurt the one you lost, I couldn't get enough. You were everything that's bad for me, make no apologies. I'm crushed, black and blue. But you know, I'd do it all again for you.


I must tell you that I am rather happy with life right now. Things have been settled down for a while, I suppose, though at the same time I'm still the same all over the place nigger. It's all good for me. So I'm just going to tell everyone I love, that I love them. get ready, bitches.

dear Kayleigh;
you are my sunshiiinnneeee my only sunshiiineeeee you make me happyyyy when skies are graaayyyy.
I felt like you should be the first person I dedicated this to, since you're like, the one person I'll always go back to when shit gets fucked up. you're the only person who would buy me a gay little strawberry lollipop from Disney World even when we were fighting a very intense fight, and you were accompanied by the biggest cunt in the world, in my opinion. you make me lawl, when you geek out with me & you make me cry when you spit your loogies into ice cream & play with condoms & throw them into the bottom of my stairwell outside. I'll always have fun with you because no matter how easy it can be to get mad at you, it's so much easier to go back and say KAYLEIGH I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A CUNT & have you go '...it's okay I guess I was being a cunt too.' you're my best friend. well with a vagina. I couldn't live without you. you changed my life, even though you used to be scared of my little gothic lookin 12 year old ass ;) I love you, baby.

Lauren Ashley Pantycakes Mashaal;
You're still the Pantycakes I remember. & you're actually Pantycakes in my phone, as opposed to Lauren <33>Actually that's it. The world already knows how I feel about Hayden, and Toby already knows how I feel about Toby, and Dan already knows how I feel about Dan, and everyone else that is important to me at this very moment in time knows exactly how much I love them & would probably recall anything that's happened between us if I posted it in a blog, but I find that currently unnecessary. So I just won't do that. but I'll blog for future reference.

so today were the psat's. I dislike. Kevin had to shake me & wake me up before part 3 started, and then I felt really stupid because I didn't realize that I passed out in, like, three seconds. so I took caffeine in sixth period.. shhhh. I'm sure the little kid in the back of the class who's scared of me noticed, but at the same time I'm sure he's too scared of me to say anything about it. since he's the same boy who said something about too many caffeine pills in school and I got in his face going 'DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT CAFFEINE YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT' & then he like almost cried I swear. I don't feel bad. Well yeah I do. But the people I'm close to at soco can mock me. Not that kid. >.>

then I learned that I should not listen to Daniel Burns when he thinks he knows where he's going. but then again, I totally thought I did too. -.- I love my life.
I'm so happy with my life.
Everything's so perfect. There's no way anything could get me down right now. So go ahead and keep calling me on private saying 'You're a cumdumpster' because you're just so fucking cool, I love it. Just one more thing I love about my life. your prank calls. keep them coming douchers :)

I love love. I don't know what love is but the only thing I'm sure of is that my life, is wonderful.

DEAR EVERYONE, FROM JENNA & EMILIE

so here's a cook book

smorios - double stuffffffed oreos & smashed three musketeerrs in the oreo and roast it with a lighter & eat it
cheddar jack cheez its and extra cheddar blasted gold fish & SKITTLES in a bowl and eat mofucka and there you go.
WHUT.
skittles and goldfish taste suprisingly good together.
so the apocolypse right.

type something whore.

what should i type?? emilie is playing with her bellybutton. we should smoke more weed.


PC bbl