So the time came when everything I was so scared of crumbling down before came down in a heartbeat. Or, quite possibly, lack there of, because I swear it stopped. I know no one reading this needs to hear me bitching about the boy I fell in love with two days after I turned thirteen. My first kiss and the boy who proposed to me with a cute little ring he got from Claire's that turned my hand green. The only guy I'd ever throw everything away for, threw me away. Told me, 'I know I told you I love you, but that was just a sad attempt at making something better that won't be better now or anytime soon.' So telling me you loved me when you didn't would make everything so much better? It's so hard to not to hate him, when I love him this much. And I always will. So much for perfection; if it was perfect, it would have never ended. Looks like it did.
I still know the way to make your make-up run, so. And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?
John D4444; minus the other three '4's. After the first time I hung out with him and I thought it was so hard to be myself, it's alll gewd. (: I definitely had an amazing night with him and Shannon - except Shannon fell the fuck asleep and I was incredibly sad for like, an hour, then I got drunkur - Friday, when he drove to my house, took me and Shannon to McDonalds because Shannon was all preganty for mickey dee's (and I woulda been too if I had money), and spent seven hours straight at my house. It was perfect! Except for the fact that I don't really remember anything. We talked for six hours straight about deep stuff, silly stuff and probably other stuff, I just don't remember any of it except for how he quit doing coke for Renata after doing it everyday for two months. Too bad I was terribly hammered; eighteen shots after I started. If you know what I meeean. He left, like, right after 7am, and I was all SHITFUCK I wish he was back here already. -.- Gawd, it's sad. I remember jumping on Shannon though, and her being pissed, and then going, 'LETS START A CUDDLE PUDDLE GUYS!' and Shannon was like BITCH LET ME SLEEP and John was all whutdafuu.
I love your eyes, I love the way they always seem so surprised, and I love your ears, I love to make music for them both to hear. I love your lips, I love the way they feel when we kiss, and I love you hair, I love how it gets all the boys to stare. But you know, it's not about that, baby. If we could get through all this then just maybe we'll have a chance at this love thing again, that I could never imagine.
And then Toby; (god, I love how this blog is about nothing but three guys. Shiiit.) I'm literally ecstatic that I managed to convince him to still remain friends with me, except for the fact that we've been fighting like no other. Ever. Nope. It's weird, and it's the kind of weird that makes me really uneasy and makes me want to snort coke off a toilet seat. But as long as he'll always be in my life, I'm completely fine. I feel terrible because I can't open up to anyone anymore, not after this whole Alex thing, and I realized I'm never going to trust again. I can love. I've always had the ability to love. Well, when I love myself. But I'm working on it. But I know he's there for me, and even if it doesn't seem like it, I'm there for him, too. But I've been getting really depressed recently, and I've been fucked up almost every single day since the day before my fifteenth birthday (and today is June 3rd; two days ago was the pillowcase day, last year, the best day of my life almost), and I haven't been really taking my meds at all.
Bite my tongue, another perfect time, to do anything to make her happy, even if it means my being miserable, as long as she's loving life. I will be able to sleep at night with a smile upon her face.
Mama's MRI was today, finally. As soon as my mom walked out the door, Greg and I went to go pick up Rendha and shit, got all my liquor and bud together (the TINY BIT OF EACH that I had left after this weekend) and twenty minutes later, my mom was basically home. So we were smoking out my fucking bedroom window when she pulled up. But I got it. OH, and, I talked back to Greg's mom, because I hate her to death. Hate her, hate her, hate her. Here's how the conversation went, for anyone reading this who has a pathetic enough life to possibly ever give two shits.:
Bitch: you know my rule.
Greg: I know.
Me: what, that you can't be in my room?
Greg: Mhm.
Me: Oh, WONDERFUL rule. I really like it.
Bitch: Emilie don't start with me.
-latuh.-
Greg goes home from the rec center JUST to unload the dishwasher, because, obviously, she's a fucking bitch.
Bitch: tell Emilie she needs to cut that talking back to me shit out or you're not hanging out with her ever again.
I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her what a skankhoe. I hope she gets shot in her fucking hairy grey bush. Bitch. >.<
Which makes me think of how much I hate people recently. I hate Alex. That's not true, I love Alex to death. But Alex doesn't love me. When he gets his shit figured out that I'm getting my shit figured out, maybe he'll come back into my life. But being the big girl that I'm trying to be.. maybe, I won't be there wasting my time when that day comes. Which makes me feel better.
I hate Nicolette. I don't really know why. There's just a kind of burning feeling in my body whenever I see her, cause I think of her mom, and I just think of how stupid Nicolette is. Like, she expected to hotbox a tent at the campsite with Mr. Gillum as a chaperone at Burke Lake. And after three months of dating Emile, I was like, do you even know him? And she's like, no, I don't really, I mean I know him but I don't KNOW him. I know I like him. It's just like, YOU KNOW YOU THINK HE'S HOT. You don't know what the fuck. God.
I hate when John does nottt text me back. Because I know I'm probably wasting my time, but everytime he's told me he has feelings for me, I'm fucked up. And I don't remember what I did with him Friday night/Saturday morning (technically, cause he came at like almost midnight), but I know it happened, and I know that I was happy. Not because I was intoxicated, because I feel like this all the time with people I like. I don't know.
I hate when people add me on facebook twelve times after I reject their friend request like every single time. Or I delete someone and they send me a message and a friend request back saying, 'why did you delete me?' Cause I don't want you on my friends list. I'm truly truly sorry. That you're stupid, not that I deleted you. Get a life. FUCK.
I hate my history teacher. And shitfuck, I have her tomorrow. I have C lunch on green day's, which makes shit go so much slower. Except after lunch there's a half hour left, and she keeps playing the same movie because she must be mentally retarded or something. I love Jameilla though, even though she beats me on a regular basis.
I hate Greg's mom. Did I possibly already say that? I've never liked her. I hate her, 'if you don't do things my way, you're stupid' attitude, that she gives everyone, even her little preschoolers, without realizing it. I hate her not giving two shits about when her kids are gone. I hate her. I just do not, simply, like. her.
I hate biology. I am never touching a dead frog again. Dem living frogs are cool. I like them. Until they pee on me. But I'd do the same thing, you know. Whatever.
Hayden's dad doesn't like me. COME ON, he always liked me. To my knowledge.
And Hayden left a doughnut at my house. I wanna eat it. But it looks gross.
I'm tired but I know I can't possibly sleep tonight. There's so much on my mind. At therapy like two days ago, I just had the worst theraputic experience ever. My dad is a douchebag. I just had to talk about so much I didn't want to talk about. I broke down in tears because the time and place was just tremendously inappropriate for my state of mind. My dad had to bring up shoplifting, my mom had to bring up dying, my therapist had to bring up Nick Stone, and then there was just other shit that kept popping into my head, like how I'm always the hit it and quit it girl. I remember Emily's idea about what our band should be called (which is kind of not related, but kinda is at the same time) back when it was me, Alex, Thomas and Hayden; Emilie and the X's, with the first single being called 'Hit It and Quit It.' It was possibly the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey, say you mean it. You're dressed to kill, I'm calling you out, don't make this hard on me.
I still know the way to make your make-up run, so. And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?
John D4444; minus the other three '4's. After the first time I hung out with him and I thought it was so hard to be myself, it's alll gewd. (: I definitely had an amazing night with him and Shannon - except Shannon fell the fuck asleep and I was incredibly sad for like, an hour, then I got drunkur - Friday, when he drove to my house, took me and Shannon to McDonalds because Shannon was all preganty for mickey dee's (and I woulda been too if I had money), and spent seven hours straight at my house. It was perfect! Except for the fact that I don't really remember anything. We talked for six hours straight about deep stuff, silly stuff and probably other stuff, I just don't remember any of it except for how he quit doing coke for Renata after doing it everyday for two months. Too bad I was terribly hammered; eighteen shots after I started. If you know what I meeean. He left, like, right after 7am, and I was all SHITFUCK I wish he was back here already. -.- Gawd, it's sad. I remember jumping on Shannon though, and her being pissed, and then going, 'LETS START A CUDDLE PUDDLE GUYS!' and Shannon was like BITCH LET ME SLEEP and John was all whutdafuu.
I love your eyes, I love the way they always seem so surprised, and I love your ears, I love to make music for them both to hear. I love your lips, I love the way they feel when we kiss, and I love you hair, I love how it gets all the boys to stare. But you know, it's not about that, baby. If we could get through all this then just maybe we'll have a chance at this love thing again, that I could never imagine.
And then Toby; (god, I love how this blog is about nothing but three guys. Shiiit.) I'm literally ecstatic that I managed to convince him to still remain friends with me, except for the fact that we've been fighting like no other. Ever. Nope. It's weird, and it's the kind of weird that makes me really uneasy and makes me want to snort coke off a toilet seat. But as long as he'll always be in my life, I'm completely fine. I feel terrible because I can't open up to anyone anymore, not after this whole Alex thing, and I realized I'm never going to trust again. I can love. I've always had the ability to love. Well, when I love myself. But I'm working on it. But I know he's there for me, and even if it doesn't seem like it, I'm there for him, too. But I've been getting really depressed recently, and I've been fucked up almost every single day since the day before my fifteenth birthday (and today is June 3rd; two days ago was the pillowcase day, last year, the best day of my life almost), and I haven't been really taking my meds at all.
Bite my tongue, another perfect time, to do anything to make her happy, even if it means my being miserable, as long as she's loving life. I will be able to sleep at night with a smile upon her face.
Mama's MRI was today, finally. As soon as my mom walked out the door, Greg and I went to go pick up Rendha and shit, got all my liquor and bud together (the TINY BIT OF EACH that I had left after this weekend) and twenty minutes later, my mom was basically home. So we were smoking out my fucking bedroom window when she pulled up. But I got it. OH, and, I talked back to Greg's mom, because I hate her to death. Hate her, hate her, hate her. Here's how the conversation went, for anyone reading this who has a pathetic enough life to possibly ever give two shits.:
Bitch: you know my rule.
Greg: I know.
Me: what, that you can't be in my room?
Greg: Mhm.
Me: Oh, WONDERFUL rule. I really like it.
Bitch: Emilie don't start with me.
-latuh.-
Greg goes home from the rec center JUST to unload the dishwasher, because, obviously, she's a fucking bitch.
Bitch: tell Emilie she needs to cut that talking back to me shit out or you're not hanging out with her ever again.
I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her what a skankhoe. I hope she gets shot in her fucking hairy grey bush. Bitch. >.<
Which makes me think of how much I hate people recently. I hate Alex. That's not true, I love Alex to death. But Alex doesn't love me. When he gets his shit figured out that I'm getting my shit figured out, maybe he'll come back into my life. But being the big girl that I'm trying to be.. maybe, I won't be there wasting my time when that day comes. Which makes me feel better.
I hate Nicolette. I don't really know why. There's just a kind of burning feeling in my body whenever I see her, cause I think of her mom, and I just think of how stupid Nicolette is. Like, she expected to hotbox a tent at the campsite with Mr. Gillum as a chaperone at Burke Lake. And after three months of dating Emile, I was like, do you even know him? And she's like, no, I don't really, I mean I know him but I don't KNOW him. I know I like him. It's just like, YOU KNOW YOU THINK HE'S HOT. You don't know what the fuck. God.
I hate when John does nottt text me back. Because I know I'm probably wasting my time, but everytime he's told me he has feelings for me, I'm fucked up. And I don't remember what I did with him Friday night/Saturday morning (technically, cause he came at like almost midnight), but I know it happened, and I know that I was happy. Not because I was intoxicated, because I feel like this all the time with people I like. I don't know.
I hate when people add me on facebook twelve times after I reject their friend request like every single time. Or I delete someone and they send me a message and a friend request back saying, 'why did you delete me?' Cause I don't want you on my friends list. I'm truly truly sorry. That you're stupid, not that I deleted you. Get a life. FUCK.
I hate my history teacher. And shitfuck, I have her tomorrow. I have C lunch on green day's, which makes shit go so much slower. Except after lunch there's a half hour left, and she keeps playing the same movie because she must be mentally retarded or something. I love Jameilla though, even though she beats me on a regular basis.
I hate Greg's mom. Did I possibly already say that? I've never liked her. I hate her, 'if you don't do things my way, you're stupid' attitude, that she gives everyone, even her little preschoolers, without realizing it. I hate her not giving two shits about when her kids are gone. I hate her. I just do not, simply, like. her.
I hate biology. I am never touching a dead frog again. Dem living frogs are cool. I like them. Until they pee on me. But I'd do the same thing, you know. Whatever.
Hayden's dad doesn't like me. COME ON, he always liked me. To my knowledge.
And Hayden left a doughnut at my house. I wanna eat it. But it looks gross.
I'm tired but I know I can't possibly sleep tonight. There's so much on my mind. At therapy like two days ago, I just had the worst theraputic experience ever. My dad is a douchebag. I just had to talk about so much I didn't want to talk about. I broke down in tears because the time and place was just tremendously inappropriate for my state of mind. My dad had to bring up shoplifting, my mom had to bring up dying, my therapist had to bring up Nick Stone, and then there was just other shit that kept popping into my head, like how I'm always the hit it and quit it girl. I remember Emily's idea about what our band should be called (which is kind of not related, but kinda is at the same time) back when it was me, Alex, Thomas and Hayden; Emilie and the X's, with the first single being called 'Hit It and Quit It.' It was possibly the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey, say you mean it. You're dressed to kill, I'm calling you out, don't make this hard on me.
But, yeah. I don't even know where my life's going. I want to become a junkie and die. That was where I wanted to be when I turned 20, and I decided that even when I was sober. I just want to get fucked up and die. I'll go in a good mood, cause when I'm not high, or drunk, or hopped up on something, it's so hard to just put on a smile behind everything else, and laugh about the simple little things that used to make me so happy. Like a picture of Paige, Greg, Bryan and Molly, that had 'heroes <3' written in the corner all pretty. I miss the little things and the little people. Back when I didn't have to deeply admire people who could live their life happy without mind altering substances; I was in control of my own world, and I thought it would always be that way. I want to fast foward time. I want to be happily married and in love. I can't even see who I'll marry anymore. I'm so scared that Alex honestly will never talk to me again, and someday I'll find out that he's been married for two years and has a beautiful wife that his mother loves and two precious children, named Delilah or Lucy or Quinn or Jude, the way we planned everything out. Maybe they'll even go curtain shopping, and have all these famous people show up at their wedding. He means funeral. Maybe I won't care by then. But I'm sure I will.
Bury me standing under your window with this cinder block in hand, yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again. And if I could move, I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you. I must have dragged my guts a block, they were gone by the time we talked.
Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice. Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice.
Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me. Hide the details, I don't want to know a thing.
I hate the way you say my name, like it's something secret. My pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me which side you should be on.
Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice. Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice.
Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me. Hide the details, I don't want to know a thing.
I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.
I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.
Fuck everybody hates nicolette. 3 guys in one crew trip? she wins the overall damn shit-is-wack award anyway.
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don't shoot heroin, drink robotussin!