hey you

i've been a terribly cruel person to you. i'm ashamed to even think about those days last year that i spent with you; ten whole months, us. nine. eight. seven. what does it even count for anymore? we were best friends. every smell, reminds me of you. vietnam, and my soap smelling incense.. everytime i smoke a cigarette outside of my garage into the early morning. everytime i see shirts that were my favorite then, they're my favorite again. i have your belt and mac's shirt and two other shirts. i have your nerf gun that you have the missing bullet to. i miss your parents house, and your ugly room, and the old rooms that i can feel the pain in. of a childhood that no one can even imagine. i have your deepest secrets, and i was too scared to tell you mine. you treated my past like it'd be my future, cause you knew that deep down, i had terrible intentions. only for myself. and you were right. like, no other person could see that far down. they'd either shun me, or kill me, or tell me it was okay like it didn't even matter. it did matter. i hated when you told me i didn't do anything. i'm the reason you're miserable, i'm the reason i'm miserable. with myself. i can't even look at myself. i'm dirty. i've done horrible things, and what's worse is that everyone probably knows. all your friends, know. they talk about me and you agree. i wish you hated me. i hope you hate me. it's the easiest way out of everything. i shouldn't have found a way out. it shouldn't have been this way. something was glitched. something moved too fast. maybe the fact that the first time we had sex was hours before you asked me out. the first night we met. maybe it went too far. why did i stop talking to you that first time? even through your seventeenth birthday. i thought about you, but not as much. i don't remember what i thought. i was a radically different person. i'm embarassed that i took alex's virginity, and i'm embarassed that i gave him this binder... with everything in it. it's so embarassing. i was so stupid. i act before i think and... you know it. you made me feel so stupid. i was so stupid. i can't stand to hear the words fuck you because of you. i felt like i lost my virginity to you. but what kind of bond did we really have? you've told me before that it wasn't meant to be, you told me that i gave you enough and you had to move on. things happened. things changed. none of this makes sense anymore. i want to apologize to you... i wish i never hurt you. not like i did. i knew everything that hurt you, and i just hurt you more. one of the most fragile souls i've ever met. i just wanted you to grow up. you didn't want to grow up. i felt like you were holding me down... i feel like i'm holding myself down. i have to say, everytime i ever went back, as soon as i realized it, things changed. i knew i'd do it again. do whatever i always do. i wanted to change my mind. i tried to change my mind, and sometimes even did change my mind, but you didn't. i already did it. i always gave you false hope. i wish one day we'll hang out. in a couple years. you'll find someone by then, and i'll keep my distance. i'll have someone. we'll both be happy. we'll be able to reminisce and get along. we'll be friends. there's no guarantee you'll read this. but.. it's all i can do. tell you the truth.