It's lonely on my own.

These are bad times. These are horrible times. Even though I have people to share them with, I don't have essence. Like, this summer won't be last summer. No summer will be last summer.



he's got deep eyes, but she's got a bottomless stomach
she's not trying to trip but she knows she's falling
every tear is another ocean, she's trying not to drown
but he constantly takes her breath away.

"this is the last time i'll tell you how i feel,"
these are a few touches of refinement.
"you make it so much harder to look in your eyes
now that i know it's over."

she must have forgotten how to close her eyes
because she hasn't slept in days so far.
every excuse not to talk about it gave him even more
cause she's scared of being picked apart.

"throw away the things i gave you,"
this is a new state of mind.
"i didn't want this to happen girl, but you're just
another one i'm leaving behind."



I miss you.

You used to be every little thing to calm my nerves.

I'll get the tab, if you lock the door, in an hour you'll be all mine. And this time, it's on me.

Tomorrow night, five girls and a lot of drugs.
Baby.
I'm pumped.

I'll blog more later.

May I say I loved you more?

And you said it would be funny to keep me hanging in suspense,
Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chain-link fence that borders your backyard
And I would climb through your window, and I'd whisper that I loved you
As you fell out of your clothes.
And we'd lay there in the darkness, like the dream of you I had
Where we captured all the fireflies and we knew what time we had could be counted on the fingertips that almost made you cry,
You let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes, and..

May I say I loved you more? May I say I loved you more?

And it must have been and hour that I clutched you in my arms,
And I must have said the right things, because you instantly felt warm
And you heard my heart stop beating, and you warned me not to cry
As your sympathetic whispers, they told a tale of bad goodbyes.
And I swore I saw you laughing, and you swore you saw me smile
And this time we spent together was meant to last us quite awhile
As I take this piece of you with me, I'll carry it to my grave
Knowing that for someone, you're an angel sent to save, and..

May I say I loved you more? May I say I loved you more?

Let's drink to memories we shared; down one, for all the hopes and cares.
Here's two, for being unaware that you're gone,
Because, before too long, you'll be a memory.

I never wanted it to end like this.
I never wanted this to happen.

We were so happy. I walked seven miles to go see him in ninety-five degree weather. And he'd sneak me into his house, and while I was waiting for him to devise the greatest plan in the world to do so, I'd listen to this song. I never thought we'd end up like this.

We did.

before too long, you'll be a memory.

I couldn't possibly need anyone. Not like I need you.

i need to hear his ringtone and actually know he purposely called me.
i need to hold his hand in the movie theater again like we're more important than the movie.
i need his body next to mine.
i need him to fall asleep in my bed leaving me with nothing to do but to try to fall asleep too..
after being awake all night waiting for six in the morning to come just to see him again.
i need him to make fun of the way i walk, and talk, and the stupid things i say.
i need him to sit in the backseat of his dads car with me again trying to sneak a kiss without him seeing.
i need to hear all the songs we used to slow dance to, and would play in the backround while we'd sit and just enjoy eachothers company and smile about them again, instead of having them make me cry.
i need to get on myspace and have five comments from him telling me he misses me.
i need to spend the last two hours of his birthday by the lake under the stars with him, talking about how we'd always be able to work out. cause it was true love. we thougt we knew.
i need him. i knew we knew.

I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. I'm tired of Toby and I making eachother feel like shit. I can't bring myself to delete Maryanne. I wish I could. Everything he says to ber and everything she says to him just makes me so upset. I don't know. I shouldn't care. But he doesn't care. I'm fucking tired of this shit. I'm tired of feeling like nothing he tells me is as honest as he says it is. But if I told him I didn't believe him, he'd go on a rampage about how I don't trust him, so he has no reason to trust me. I just can't be happy anymore.

John, I don't know about. I was supposed to spend tomorrow night doing SOMETHING with him, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I know I want it to happen. I haven't seen him in too long. But I don't want to hear the bullshit from other people about him. He's my friend, I like him, so what. He's a good guy. He knows he's a good guy. He's shy and he's a dork and he just makes me happy when I'm around him. That's all I need right now. Happiness.

I threw away what condoms I could find. Well, that's a lie.. I filled my last two (I think) up with shaving cream. One all by myself, one with Hayden and Julia. I don't need condoms anymore. I don't have anyone to have sex with so what's the point? Hayden and I were going to smoke, because we only had twenty minutes to do it before his mom came to pick him up, but we wasted our time trying to find a spot, then deciding to do it out my window, as soon as we were about to light the bowl, his mom turned the corner. Not even ironic.


I wish I could just. Go away. I just really want to walk away and get my mind off everything and lay in the middle of a field with no bugs and nice weather and I wish I could just cry. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I just need to cry.

I spend each night under the stars, formulation constellations for you.

I've realized, I don't like myself. And I've realized, if I were you, I wouldn't like me either.

I'm too insecure.
I'm too unnatural.
I'm too forgiving.
I'm too shy.
I'm too codependent.
I'm too clingy.
I'm too jealous.
I'm too loud.
I'm too drugged out.
I'm too much of everything I hate.

You're everywhere, every glance over my shoulder, every leaf that hits the ground, every moment I'm without you I fall apart, like a broken piece of record, I repeat all of my plea, I'm a mess without you darling, can't you see?

Last night, I wanted to call Alex. Well I did call Alex. And he picked up, again. But the thing is, he didn't really mean to. You know? I guess it was accidental. I should know better than to stay on the phone and say '..hello?' because I should know better than to expect him to say anything. I should know better than to expect ANYONE to say anything. I found a note I wrote him and hid back when we were dating at the end of 2007. It was just like, I don't know who I'm going to think about when I can't sleep anymore after this. And I don't know who I'll call when I pass a class or an SOL or something. I don't know whose name I'll write all over everything when you don't want anything to do with me anymore, and whose anniversary I'm supposed to remember and be all excited about. I wanted to call him and tell him about how today was my last day of school and tell him about my mom's brain scan and tell him that I decided to actually stop smoking and passed my biology final exam. And that I dyed my hair back to my natural hair color; very dark brown. I wanted to tell him he'd like it. But I guess those are some things that won't matter anymore by the time he gets his head out of his ass and realizes that I won't give up on him or us as fast as he wants me to.

So, as I said before - today was my last day of school! When I was at home for those two months after being excluded from Lake Braddock, I was just like... I'm not even looking forward to summer anymore. When you're in school, you just can't wait for summer. But when you're not, summer just isn't summer. Except for the fact that everyone else is out of school with you, but it's just not fun when you're not in school and don't have anything to look forward to. Anyway, I passed my English exam with a C+. 80%, chyeah. I was hoping I got better than that, but it's okay. I passed the course with a FREAKING B. I was amazed. But I think that's my only one, unless I managed to do an AMAZING job on my biology final and have it pull me up to, like, at least a D? C? SOMETHING?

But, yeah.

I'll blog more later. I have to clean my room.
"Haha that's some nigga shit." - John Defore.

THE HIGH BLOG

Have you ever wished you were up in the sky? Well I am. And have you ever wanted to write an inspirational song? Well I have. Yeah I'm up in the sky with God my wife and here, things don't sit still. At first thins was a song but it turned out to not. be. I feel like lil wayne cause lil wayne is the motherfucker. All of a sudden I feel like I am amazing at typing, and then the very next second, I cannot type for shit. I wish I could speak spanish. I wish I could know when spics are talking shit about me cause I'm WHITE BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME cause I am white,. Well wouldn't you love to fly a kite in the occean? I'm hjgoing to sptop using baskcspace because its just taking abway my being hihhhhghhh. i wish the world could understand me. i wish everyone knew that the world is going to end in 2012. if you dont believe in it maybe you hjsould be like me and reseach it HM. I mean research. Don't think I can't spell because I can. See I can type in proper english.

Dude I need an inhaler. All week I've been having really bad wheezing problems, and it's getting worse. I'm hyperventalating and I can't stop it. God I need an inhaler. God I honestly think I'm going to die. Something's happening to me. I think someone wants me dead because they want to know what I know. I've been keeping a secret from God.

>.<

Running after you, running after you baby.

Kiss you on your rosy lips and never let you off me, shiver on your roof and see your face lit by starlight, hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise.

I'm so not used to change. But so addicted to it at the same time. Like, I love changes, til they get old. Then things have to change again. There's something wrong with, like, my way of being able to handle the situations I'm put it, and not give up because I stop being amused. Like in relationships. I love being in a relationship, until it gets old, and I miss the way things used to be.

Natalie is right; I'm in love with who he used to be. I don't know who he is now. I'm not the only one who changed. I'm never the only one who changes. And here and there, I'm still the same person I used to be. Somewhere in my new skin is the old me. Little pigments of shit that shaped me into who I am today. The first time I smoked pot. The first time I kissed someone. The first time I said fuck. The first time I had sex. All the tv shows we used to talk about and all the songs I used to love that have so much more sentimental value. I didn't completely morph, I grew up. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

My boobs are growing. They seemed bigger a couple days ago, but they shrunk. Again. Now I'm pmsing. It's so obvious. I'm, like, the biggest bitch in the world right now. But it's alright with me. At least I have tampons. But fuck tampons. Wait, no, fuck pads. Shannon and I had this conversation yesterday. Or two days ago. Or something like that. Which reminds me that I never told her what was wrong. It's amazing she could tell. But then again she got to know me pretty well over the weekend, mostly because I was crazy drunk. I don't mind.

Plus, I'm almost out of eyeliner. Shitfuck.

So, let's talk about more serious shit! This is a blog. I blog. I vent. I write. I mean type. Whatever. This is my personal space to say whatever the fuck I want to say. I don't care who reads it. Most of the people I'll ever talk about in this blog, no one knows as well as I do. And that's completely fine with me. It's the only place I can talk about something and no one can give me shit for (ahem, Toby). So, I love Zac Seif. Like more than life right now.
But, shit.

I have nothing to talk about.

I'll blog later.

And how you promised you'd never give up on me, cause you hate the way it feels.

So the time came when everything I was so scared of crumbling down before came down in a heartbeat. Or, quite possibly, lack there of, because I swear it stopped. I know no one reading this needs to hear me bitching about the boy I fell in love with two days after I turned thirteen. My first kiss and the boy who proposed to me with a cute little ring he got from Claire's that turned my hand green. The only guy I'd ever throw everything away for, threw me away. Told me, 'I know I told you I love you, but that was just a sad attempt at making something better that won't be better now or anytime soon.' So telling me you loved me when you didn't would make everything so much better? It's so hard to not to hate him, when I love him this much. And I always will. So much for perfection; if it was perfect, it would have never ended. Looks like it did.

I still know the way to make your make-up run, so. And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?

John D4444; minus the other three '4's. After the first time I hung out with him and I thought it was so hard to be myself, it's alll gewd. (: I definitely had an amazing night with him and Shannon - except Shannon fell the fuck asleep and I was incredibly sad for like, an hour, then I got drunkur - Friday, when he drove to my house, took me and Shannon to McDonalds because Shannon was all preganty for mickey dee's (and I woulda been too if I had money), and spent seven hours straight at my house. It was perfect! Except for the fact that I don't really remember anything. We talked for six hours straight about deep stuff, silly stuff and probably other stuff, I just don't remember any of it except for how he quit doing coke for Renata after doing it everyday for two months. Too bad I was terribly hammered; eighteen shots after I started. If you know what I meeean. He left, like, right after 7am, and I was all SHITFUCK I wish he was back here already. -.- Gawd, it's sad. I remember jumping on Shannon though, and her being pissed, and then going, 'LETS START A CUDDLE PUDDLE GUYS!' and Shannon was like BITCH LET ME SLEEP and John was all whutdafuu.

I love your eyes, I love the way they always seem so surprised, and I love your ears, I love to make music for them both to hear. I love your lips, I love the way they feel when we kiss, and I love you hair, I love how it gets all the boys to stare. But you know, it's not about that, baby. If we could get through all this then just maybe we'll have a chance at this love thing again, that I could never imagine.

And then Toby; (god, I love how this blog is about nothing but three guys. Shiiit.) I'm literally ecstatic that I managed to convince him to still remain friends with me, except for the fact that we've been fighting like no other. Ever. Nope. It's weird, and it's the kind of weird that makes me really uneasy and makes me want to snort coke off a toilet seat. But as long as he'll always be in my life, I'm completely fine. I feel terrible because I can't open up to anyone anymore, not after this whole Alex thing, and I realized I'm never going to trust again. I can love. I've always had the ability to love. Well, when I love myself. But I'm working on it. But I know he's there for me, and even if it doesn't seem like it, I'm there for him, too. But I've been getting really depressed recently, and I've been fucked up almost every single day since the day before my fifteenth birthday (and today is June 3rd; two days ago was the pillowcase day, last year, the best day of my life almost), and I haven't been really taking my meds at all.

Bite my tongue, another perfect time, to do anything to make her happy, even if it means my being miserable, as long as she's loving life. I will be able to sleep at night with a smile upon her face.

Mama's MRI was today, finally. As soon as my mom walked out the door, Greg and I went to go pick up Rendha and shit, got all my liquor and bud together (the TINY BIT OF EACH that I had left after this weekend) and twenty minutes later, my mom was basically home. So we were smoking out my fucking bedroom window when she pulled up. But I got it. OH, and, I talked back to Greg's mom, because I hate her to death. Hate her, hate her, hate her. Here's how the conversation went, for anyone reading this who has a pathetic enough life to possibly ever give two shits.:

Bitch: you know my rule.
Greg: I know.
Me: what, that you can't be in my room?
Greg: Mhm.
Me: Oh, WONDERFUL rule. I really like it.
Bitch: Emilie don't start with me.

-latuh.-

Greg goes home from the rec center JUST to unload the dishwasher, because, obviously, she's a fucking bitch.

Bitch: tell Emilie she needs to cut that talking back to me shit out or you're not hanging out with her ever again.

I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her what a skankhoe. I hope she gets shot in her fucking hairy grey bush. Bitch. >.<

Which makes me think of how much I hate people recently. I hate Alex. That's not true, I love Alex to death. But Alex doesn't love me. When he gets his shit figured out that I'm getting my shit figured out, maybe he'll come back into my life. But being the big girl that I'm trying to be.. maybe, I won't be there wasting my time when that day comes. Which makes me feel better.

I hate Nicolette. I don't really know why. There's just a kind of burning feeling in my body whenever I see her, cause I think of her mom, and I just think of how stupid Nicolette is. Like, she expected to hotbox a tent at the campsite with Mr. Gillum as a chaperone at Burke Lake. And after three months of dating Emile, I was like, do you even know him? And she's like, no, I don't really, I mean I know him but I don't KNOW him. I know I like him. It's just like, YOU KNOW YOU THINK HE'S HOT. You don't know what the fuck. God.

I hate when John does nottt text me back. Because I know I'm probably wasting my time, but everytime he's told me he has feelings for me, I'm fucked up. And I don't remember what I did with him Friday night/Saturday morning (technically, cause he came at like almost midnight), but I know it happened, and I know that I was happy. Not because I was intoxicated, because I feel like this all the time with people I like. I don't know.

I hate when people add me on facebook twelve times after I reject their friend request like every single time. Or I delete someone and they send me a message and a friend request back saying, 'why did you delete me?' Cause I don't want you on my friends list. I'm truly truly sorry. That you're stupid, not that I deleted you. Get a life. FUCK.

I hate my history teacher. And shitfuck, I have her tomorrow. I have C lunch on green day's, which makes shit go so much slower. Except after lunch there's a half hour left, and she keeps playing the same movie because she must be mentally retarded or something. I love Jameilla though, even though she beats me on a regular basis.

I hate Greg's mom. Did I possibly already say that? I've never liked her. I hate her, 'if you don't do things my way, you're stupid' attitude, that she gives everyone, even her little preschoolers, without realizing it. I hate her not giving two shits about when her kids are gone. I hate her. I just do not, simply, like. her.

I hate biology. I am never touching a dead frog again. Dem living frogs are cool. I like them. Until they pee on me. But I'd do the same thing, you know. Whatever.

Hayden's dad doesn't like me. COME ON, he always liked me. To my knowledge.
And Hayden left a doughnut at my house. I wanna eat it. But it looks gross.

I'm tired but I know I can't possibly sleep tonight. There's so much on my mind. At therapy like two days ago, I just had the worst theraputic experience ever. My dad is a douchebag. I just had to talk about so much I didn't want to talk about. I broke down in tears because the time and place was just tremendously inappropriate for my state of mind. My dad had to bring up shoplifting, my mom had to bring up dying, my therapist had to bring up Nick Stone, and then there was just other shit that kept popping into my head, like how I'm always the hit it and quit it girl. I remember Emily's idea about what our band should be called (which is kind of not related, but kinda is at the same time) back when it was me, Alex, Thomas and Hayden; Emilie and the X's, with the first single being called 'Hit It and Quit It.' It was possibly the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey, say you mean it. You're dressed to kill, I'm calling you out, don't make this hard on me.

But, yeah. I don't even know where my life's going. I want to become a junkie and die. That was where I wanted to be when I turned 20, and I decided that even when I was sober. I just want to get fucked up and die. I'll go in a good mood, cause when I'm not high, or drunk, or hopped up on something, it's so hard to just put on a smile behind everything else, and laugh about the simple little things that used to make me so happy. Like a picture of Paige, Greg, Bryan and Molly, that had 'heroes <3' written in the corner all pretty. I miss the little things and the little people. Back when I didn't have to deeply admire people who could live their life happy without mind altering substances; I was in control of my own world, and I thought it would always be that way. I want to fast foward time. I want to be happily married and in love. I can't even see who I'll marry anymore. I'm so scared that Alex honestly will never talk to me again, and someday I'll find out that he's been married for two years and has a beautiful wife that his mother loves and two precious children, named Delilah or Lucy or Quinn or Jude, the way we planned everything out. Maybe they'll even go curtain shopping, and have all these famous people show up at their wedding. He means funeral. Maybe I won't care by then. But I'm sure I will.



Bury me standing under your window with this cinder block in hand, yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again. And if I could move, I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you. I must have dragged my guts a block, they were gone by the time we talked.

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice. Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice.

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me. Hide the details, I don't want to know a thing.

I hate the way you say my name, like it's something secret. My pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me which side you should be on.

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice. Whoa, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself, you know that I could crush you with my voice.

Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me. Hide the details, I don't want to know a thing.

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.
I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.