hey you

i've been a terribly cruel person to you. i'm ashamed to even think about those days last year that i spent with you; ten whole months, us. nine. eight. seven. what does it even count for anymore? we were best friends. every smell, reminds me of you. vietnam, and my soap smelling incense.. everytime i smoke a cigarette outside of my garage into the early morning. everytime i see shirts that were my favorite then, they're my favorite again. i have your belt and mac's shirt and two other shirts. i have your nerf gun that you have the missing bullet to. i miss your parents house, and your ugly room, and the old rooms that i can feel the pain in. of a childhood that no one can even imagine. i have your deepest secrets, and i was too scared to tell you mine. you treated my past like it'd be my future, cause you knew that deep down, i had terrible intentions. only for myself. and you were right. like, no other person could see that far down. they'd either shun me, or kill me, or tell me it was okay like it didn't even matter. it did matter. i hated when you told me i didn't do anything. i'm the reason you're miserable, i'm the reason i'm miserable. with myself. i can't even look at myself. i'm dirty. i've done horrible things, and what's worse is that everyone probably knows. all your friends, know. they talk about me and you agree. i wish you hated me. i hope you hate me. it's the easiest way out of everything. i shouldn't have found a way out. it shouldn't have been this way. something was glitched. something moved too fast. maybe the fact that the first time we had sex was hours before you asked me out. the first night we met. maybe it went too far. why did i stop talking to you that first time? even through your seventeenth birthday. i thought about you, but not as much. i don't remember what i thought. i was a radically different person. i'm embarassed that i took alex's virginity, and i'm embarassed that i gave him this binder... with everything in it. it's so embarassing. i was so stupid. i act before i think and... you know it. you made me feel so stupid. i was so stupid. i can't stand to hear the words fuck you because of you. i felt like i lost my virginity to you. but what kind of bond did we really have? you've told me before that it wasn't meant to be, you told me that i gave you enough and you had to move on. things happened. things changed. none of this makes sense anymore. i want to apologize to you... i wish i never hurt you. not like i did. i knew everything that hurt you, and i just hurt you more. one of the most fragile souls i've ever met. i just wanted you to grow up. you didn't want to grow up. i felt like you were holding me down... i feel like i'm holding myself down. i have to say, everytime i ever went back, as soon as i realized it, things changed. i knew i'd do it again. do whatever i always do. i wanted to change my mind. i tried to change my mind, and sometimes even did change my mind, but you didn't. i already did it. i always gave you false hope. i wish one day we'll hang out. in a couple years. you'll find someone by then, and i'll keep my distance. i'll have someone. we'll both be happy. we'll be able to reminisce and get along. we'll be friends. there's no guarantee you'll read this. but.. it's all i can do. tell you the truth.

You think you're something special.

would ya look at that?!



I like sad songs. sad acoustic songs. I don't know why. I like songs that kind of make me want to cry for some reason. even the happiest of songs.
I'm a pretty nostalgic person. if you've been following these, you know that, from the beginning. Who knew I was still waiting for that phone call? I did.
I want my hair to grow way more than anyone should want their hair to grow. I just want it to be long. I want to dye it again and make people jealous and be as pretty as I was last year at one point. it comes and goes.
Last night, my acne was gone. so I washed my face. it came back. how fucked up is that?
I have a hickey. my mom was like, what's that under your chin!? and I told her I had a bear for a boyfriend. how cute? so cute. a monkeybear, to be exact. My monkeybear. all mine. Sunday is valentines day, and it's my mission to find a million koala bears and rape him with them. cause as long as he's my monkeybear, I gotta be his koala. RIGHT?! right. thanks for agreeing.
I have to stretch my ears. well, don't have to. but will.
Alex & Liz's wedding is in less than eight months... more than seven months? time is going by so freaking fast, it's incredible.
my wedding is in... a lot longer than that! I'll tell ya that.
I have no more weed. trying to decide whether or not I'm happy with that. well no. I am incredibly saddened and angered and everywhere in between that by it. we're going to get snowed in, AGAIN. no school yesterday, today or tomorrow. I'm anticipating not having a spring break, and I am in incredibly miffed. PISSED.
but that's not it. point is, snowed in, no drugs. something's REALLY wrong with that.
(also. no boyfriend. like really, I can't have my boyfriend, and I can't have drugs. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, LAUNDRY?!)
yeah. laundry. about that. I have nooo clean clothes.
I'm listening to this song that MC showed me, when we were friends. Man, I fucking hate her. I hate nick. I hate him to pieces. I have to talk to helen about that whole thaaang.
everybody says time heals everything.
I have a cold.. it's not fun. :( what am I gonna do with my life, until Sunday. double date with Daniel, Greg & his girlfriend.
love

titleless

don't try to contact me on the phone.



Whoever's reading this, if I know who you are, I probably owe you some kind of explanation.