I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

they say she needs to slow down;
the baddest thing around town.

^ lake braddock parking lawt, after expulsion. how ba-dass ;)



damn, you'za sexy bitch.

^ <3

<3 ^

slam.

dear alex;
i miss you, dear. i miss the lake and the bridge and your serenading me, or lack there of. i miss the 'you said you'd be back down in five minutes... and it's been an hour' and 'you're lucky it wasn't dad.' i miss the person i used to know, the person who'd never tell me he went away & he'd never come back.
the best friend.
i'z done waiting. however, i'll always miss you.


dear hayden;
i miss you, our drunkeness, our epic hangout sessions, our picnic table, our baskin robbin's dillemas, our everything. i feel like i'm losing my best friend, the one i never thought i'd grow apart from. but we're growing apart, regardless. fuck your mom and everything else keeping us from being together all the time. you get everything.
forever and ever and until we go to giant five minutes ago.



dear worldddd;

my right eye is swollen. when, like, a month ago, my left one was swollen. my eyesight is really blurry. so i'm done. i'm listening to intensity in ten cities and it makes me think of those two. ^ :(

Thanksgiving;

happy Thanksgiving to all those in the world - not just Americans - that choose to acknowlege that we're alive, and therefore, we all have at least one amazing thing to be thankful for.

so, let me bore you, while you could be preparing a huge meal, or waiting for it to be prepared, or just hanging out with the crew.

right this very second, I'm thankful for everything.

I'm thankful for blank cd's and the music that created my wonderful mood. I'm thankful for my mother and my father for having spermies & eggies to make this existance recognized as Emilie. I'm thankful for my brother and his beautiful and wonderful fiancee for sharing the thanks and setting the spirit, since my grandmother isn't around anymore and my dad could give a shit and a half less. I'm thankful for a man I can idolize in every aspect. I'm thankful for the friends I've had, all the previous yesterdays, today and all the upcoming tomorrows. I'm thankful for the way they've shaped me into the person I'm still developing into, someone I can be proud of, someone to make someone else proud. I'm thankful for Trajan getting me kicked out of Lake Braddock, so I had an opportunity to spend time at a new secondary school and meet people who live just five minutes away from me, that I would have never known existed... like Daniel and the rest of the fantastic four. I'm thankful for my boyfriend, the boy who continues to make me smile day after day, and doesn't stop letting me know that I'm special to him like he's special to me. I'm thankful for Bryan and Mary, for reminding me what true love really is, no matter what they think; I know exactly what's between them and it makes me want to tear up every single time I think about it. I'm thankful for Alex Gregory Ha, the only boy I could ever change for, and have ever changed for. I'm thankful that he finally talked to me, after a year of wanting to know him, but never having a single thing to say to him. I'm thankful for everything he's given me, everything he's taught me, and every day of those five months making us stronger together and by ourselves once those five silent months were over. I'm thankful for Nick Stone, for showing me what I'm really worth and that I'll never settle for less than I deserve again. I'm thankful for Kayleigh. I'm thankful for all the fun and fights we've had together, because I could never go through any of it with any other person and love them even more through all of it. I'm thankful for pot, and all the wonderful things it does. I'm thankful for Hayden, and I'm thankful that he's going to be the one getting everything when I die; that's the only thing on my will, and the only thing about him on my old old suicide note -- "Hayden gets everything." I'm thankful for Julia and Natalie, and how those two girls make me laugh like no one else can and make me think like everything makes sense. I'm thankful for cigarettes. I'm thankful for warm clothes. I'm thankful for sunny days, and I'm thankful for our galaxy. I'm thankful for space. I'm thankful for depth. I'm thankful for all the gifts I was given when I was born, and even before, when I was just a thought. I'm thankful for learning everything I've learned in the past fifteen and a half years. I'm thankful for food. I'm thankful for sleep. I'm thankful that my suicide attempt didn't work out; not only because I'm alive right now, but because a couple weeks after it was over, I realized just how thankful I am that it didn't work out. I'm thankful for being a minor, I'm thankful for not having a job yet. I'm thankful for Prozac and all the wonders it has worked on me for over a year now. I'm thankful for my (former) therapist. I'm thankful for the true Buddha. I'm thankful for book stores. I'm thankful for long nails. I'm thankful for my eyes, and the fact that they're not only gorgeous, but I have perfect vision. I'm thankful that I'm not deaf or blind. I'm thankful for confidence. I'm thankful for my sister, Paula, and what I remember of her. I'm thankful this is my last year of gym. I'm thankful for being flexible, and comfortability. I'm thankful for the bridge. I'm thankful for my best friend Greg. I'm thankful for so much.

:)

sharing the thanks.
Good day, and happy Thanksgiving, again.

I'm just roaming for the moment

i have a life.

i can't wait until i can walk the halls of lake braddock again. i'm gonna go see all my teachers from freshman year and i know i'll most definitely cry. i realized that i sound like one of those sociopaths that goes into a school they've been kicked out with resentment and goes crazy killing everyone they encounter. which makes me wonder if people who read this think i'm one of those crazed sociopaths. i mean i have tendencies.

i want to cryyyy. i feel like i just hit myself in the weakest place and i'm in for a lifetime of mental ass-kicking. but it's probably well-deserved ass kicking, and i know for a fact my heart can't take it. it couldn't take it before, it won't take it ever again. i tested the last nerve of my body to try and see if i was as strong as i thought i was. i'm not! should've known.

i cannot remember if blogged about this before; no more therapy for emilie. recently, i've been randomly writing in my school notebooks in the classes i get super bored and creative in. stupid school and its walls forbidding imagination. like mr. ament's classroom... it's like a giant (mental) cockblock. and english class is the only class i feel like i can push myself enough in, because my mind gets wider everytime i go in.

oh oh oh, before i forget, i smoked tetrahydracannibinol from the cannabis sativa marijuana plant today! it was invigorating... most definitely. only because i forgot how to open my mouth and sing, and i kept saying 'you gave me butterflies? batterflies? butterflies in a CINDER BLOCK?! batteries! you just threw batteries at me!' ...i couldn't remember what had just happened. and i swore that i got hypothermia in greg's basement. but i felt good. :) you don't put batteries in the microphone, it's plugged in! yabitch, trying to confuse me and all that stuffs like that.

recently, there's been trouble everywhere. i keep having dreams about cops! and getting arrested or chased or almost dying and random things like that. sex and drugs and rock and roll and dodgers. i don't know what else to say, but there's something chasing us, and chasing the amazing weather. like, something is just catching up to me, mary, bryan, and greg. probably everyone else in my life but my life has just become mary, bryan and dan so i just don't know.

i'm burned out like a crazy person. tonight, i'm planning on taking a shower, making my hair grow with my fantastic idea (that dan will probably never understand) and then looking like shit tomorrow. it should be a good day, i guess. wednesday, short day at school. thursday, thanksgiving with the mussmons.. and mussmon-to-be. and whoever else will be sharing and giving the thanks with the homeskies. i'm pumped. all i gotta say.

damn fall out boy and their 'non-hiatus.' my eye is watering and a tear drop just fell on my toe. i must suck or something.

welcome to paradise.

God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news,

cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMYz5SteBBY&feature=related

I think if everyone just stopped and listened to every single word of this song, and maybe sang along, everything in the world would build up and collapse within two seconds of your imagination.

RESTINPEACE;;
best weekend of my life.
best day of my life.
best men of my life.
best girls of my life.

I love you Daniel Burns.
& Mary Gauthier.
& Bryan LaPan.
& Kayleigh McCargo.

my life is falling to pieces again. I think. I know. I might.

it's possible.

Why didn't anyone ever listen to Samantha Mumba?!

THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOWWWWW.

i'm singing. good sign. :) let me tell you a story. in bullets. cause it's what i'm finding out right now.

don't wanna love you if you don't love me.
don't wanna need you when you won't need me too.
don't wanna tell you this now, but it wouldn't be right
if i didn't tell you this tonight.

my name is emilie. i love my name. i love that people are jealous cause their parents gave them ugly names, and mine gave me a beautiful one. i came out of my mom's vagina on may sixteenth, 1994. i've gotten anywhere from looking thirteen years old to looking nineteen years old. i'm fifteen. it means chances are, i'm too young for you. and if i'm not... i'm too old for you, then. it's just how it goes. when i was little, my favorite toys were books. i was used to lots of attention from lots of people. at first, it was good. then i got fat. then it was bad; i'm on the horrible end of being italian. i have an ugly nose, bushy eyebrows, body hair in places women aren't supposed to have hair, love handles and thick thighs... but i'm also german, french and irish. can't complain. ever.
i look just like my paternal grandmother, and she's at 88 with at least two boyfriends still. i'm destined to be hot for the rest of my life.

when the bitches i used to call my friends decided they were too good for me, i decided i'd become too good for them. i can't say that enough, i just like the sound of it. you know what? it worked.
i'm in the process of picking up the pieces of myself that i've been leaving for people to keep walking all over and crushing some more. when all those pieces are picked up, they'll be put into something new and astonishing, i promise you.
but sometimes i still want to kill myself. i want to open up the ugly scars on my leg and just bleed to prove to myself that i'm not as invincible as i sometimes like to think i am. there's this boy. he's slowly changing all of that. (and he's also the only reason i'm typing this, cause he told me to post one.)

my favorite things in the world are probably clean sheets, turtles, crayons, coloring books, and the scent of vanilla. i have my next three tattoos planned out. dancing shapes my life. singing shapes my life. my friends shape my life. i'm almost as scared of death (of myself and the ones i love) as i am of life and the awful things that will happen to us. i love cuddling. i love kisses. i love good hugs. i love my boyfriend.

i hate bad blood with people. but, if i have a problem with you, i'll be the first person to say something. if i like you, i'll be the first person to say something. if i want you dead, i'll make sure you know. so sure that it might just scare you. i scream in peoples faces. if i can't scream in your face or make a joke at you, it means you're on my bad side. whether that means you make me uncomfortable or i'm afraid being in your vacinity will make me slit your throat... depends on you. whoever you are. i'm a nice person. i truly am. but the boy i sit next to in algebra now that mr. kohlreiser is number one on my shit list is scared of me. SCARED! i dislike.

thenthislittle part of thisblogwhere i expect noonereads because itsaboutdansiohfishfd
hello darling. it is seven thirty pm. if anyone is reading this far, it's you. or hayden. hello hayden, you're my best friend. dave albo. spaks inglsh. anyways. i feel as though you should know that you're twice as perfect as you were three seconds ago. cause i said so. ;) it's been ages since i felt like.. i've tripped over every word i said just to leave me hanging, somewhere between really high up and face down on concrete. where everything i say or do is wrong, but you totally make it feel like it was the way it was supposed to be, exactly. you make me giggleee when i kiss you and giggle even harder when you ask me why i'm laughing. it's cause i'm happy silleh. it's causeee you're cute and sweet and you made me blush. feel accomplished. i like you more everytime i talk to you, or hang out with you, and i've been finding myself getting pissssed off at my teachers when, AS SOON AS I GET MY PHONE, they're like, 'emilie what are you doing?!' so i totally slack on texting you. but if i could, i'd be talking to you all day. i can't get enough. and i likes it. :)
i thinks i loves you.
sidhfisf sdfoihsd sfdihsdf sdf hsdf sdf8uypa asdoaid h osama bin laden! is somewhere out there. he's such a smart man.

i'm passionate about green day. i'm also passionate about my hair, eyes, and philosophy. mostly eyes and philosophy, but my hair was the first thing that came to my mind. number one: green day is my favorite. band. ever. i'll give you the lyrics and meaning to any song you could name me. i know all of their real names. i know how they got their stage names. i know billie joe's kids names. i know every tour they've played. i know how they started. i know what kind of underwear billie joe wears. i know anything and everything, just about. you don't disrespect green day in my presence. EVER.
number two: my hair. you don't fuck with my hair. you don't put anything in it, you don't do anything to it without my consent, you don't threaten to cut it. you just don't do it.
number three: i'm fascinated with eyes. i'm a firm believer in them being the window into your soul, your heart and your mind. have you ever looked deeply into someones eyes? you can almost get lost. especially someone you could claim to be in love with, or at least lustful for. they make me speechless sometimes. chances are, more than once, i'll tell you, whoever you are, that i like your eyes. that they're pretty. gorgeous. beautiful. wonderful. cool. whatever. it's a good thing. don't just look at me weird. i have my intentions.
number four: philosophy. my number. one. ever. i'm probably one of the deepest persons you'll ever meet, if only i could put my feelings into words. it's all about drugs. i love marijuana. i love everything about it. i love the way it makes everything in the world make sense. ask my father; when i was high, i discovered the true meaning of true buddhism. when i was high, i realized that my dad found the true meaning of true buddhism while HE was high, back in 1970. the existentialism of everything in my head frightens the balls out of me. i'm constantly thinking of the way we exist. the way the earth just sits in the middle of nothing and everything at the same time. how everything is just a miracle. people who take jewelry boxes apart (yaknow the ones that play the music? with the needles? and wires?) could mess up the entire tune... the way every tiny little needle plucks the exact spot on a wire to make a beautiful sound.. a beautiful song. one little touch could ruin the entire thing. we just need to realize everything is just a miracle. if there could be a better way to put it, i'd put it that way. but there isn't. i can feel it in my heart. it's a good feeling.

you should try it sometime. :)

i fucking. love. life. i fucking love you. i love you. i love you.
"my friend said that whenever there's a new cute scene girl at this school, dan burns always steals them away."

MY HAIR IS GETTING SO LONG.
i have just left you on a very happy note. :)

Perfection is defined when your heart beats next to mine.

and time stands still for us.
my hand in your hair and yours on my chest,
moments with you are my life's best.
we crossed paths for a reason,
the planets aligned in that particular season.
it's clear to me that we'll eventually be
inseperable.i love your existance,
i can't get enough.

i thought i'd let you know that i no longer feel obliged to type with proper capitalization; no one reads this anyways. my head itches; probably a clear sign that i should clean it. already done it, don't feel like spending another hour and a half on it again. i'm wearing the only article of clothing i've ever purchased from forever 21; it's gorgeous. i want to wear it tomorrow, though i know the sick minds of sick people, and their sick desire to untie the back of the shirt and i'm not quite sure if the shirt is really worth that much. plus, i'd have to wear a jacket. who the fuck likes wearing jackets, anyways?

two days ago or so, i started singing to myself on the bridge, smoking my lucky cigarette. i liked it. i texted it to myself, word for word as i remembered what came out of my mouth. it sounded better than it looked on the cellular screen, but what can you do? i would put it in here, but it needs revision. i don't think it can see the light of a website just yet, or ever. hayden saw it. hayden liked it. hayden's... just a nice person. what a hateful song. well, poem, there's no definite rhythm. well there was, while i was singing it to myself. but fuck, i just need to shut up.

anyhoo. tell me why i'm so effing ecstatic and flared with the way life is going right now? today in history, i felt the need to hit someone. i felt and heard the blood being pumped from my heart, and i felt it jump like a cinder block just smashed it or something. i felt what it's like to hate, once more, a feeling that comes and goes whenever it fucking pleases. a little spark of conceit that has manifested itself somewhere in my heart, the notion of hate. and the kind of love i'm experiencing, is a commodity of nostalgia. the kind that still waits around for that phone call, the kind that knows it's coming, when it's not. the one that wants to kiss you and hit you and cry in your arms and run away from you. the kind that always misleads me, the kind that induces the hate. but it makes me so fucking happy inside.
you make me so happy inside.
why do you make me cry everytime i talk to you?

my pen could only write your name, you were filling every page so fast, then we fell and died away.
it's not supposed to be this way, i'm so far from okay.
if it's all the same, then it's just you that's okay.

i had the shittiest halloween of my life, but it's alright. i spent it with mary, dan and bryan, and everyone should know that i couldn't complain about those three. we're the shit. the good kind of shit. the kind you wish you were. i sound lame.

boyfriend!
i'm happy. absolutely happy. absolutely off the fucking wall, i want to brag to him about himself kind of happy. the kind where i want to be with him all the time, something i haven't experienced, no matter how hard i tried, in a while. the type in this respect that makes me want to tell him i love him whenever he makes me smile, and the kind that lets me know ahead of time that i'm getting to wrapped up in this already. he doesn't mind yet. but he will.

and with that being said, here's... more that i just want to get off my chest.

i hate liars. i hate everything about them.
i hate the boy who took my virginity. i want it back. i'll never get it back. the purest part of me, could have never been touched. but it's just so easy to be ripped away. you never know what you want, so you'd just give it away so easily. then you realize you'd give anything to have it back.
i hate his girlfriend. i want her to die. and if she died right now, it wouldn't even matter to me that i wasn't the one to get my vengeance. she fucking had it coming, and obviously something or someone else must think so too. (no death threats here, fairfax county police. go find some drug traffickers. no, don't do that.)
i hate that whenever i get slightly uncomfortable or nervous, i throw up.
i hate that it always happens when i want it to the LEAST. i.e. with boyfriend, people i just met, people i've previously tried to impress.. and there goes my stomach, right in fucking front of me.
again with the vomit, i hate when people try to hold my hair back when i puke. i just want people to leave me alone. wouldn't you?
i always want someone i care about to just hold me until they feel like they'll break me when i start punching and kicking, even if it's at nothing. make me cry, and then pick me back up again.
i hate when people tell me to calm down.
i hate when people tell other people to calm down when they don't have a fucking clue about anything that's going on or why they're upset in the first place. like virginity. like rape.
especially rape.
i hate the way alcohol makes me act, only sometimes.
i hate the way men take advantage of girls. who like them. who know they're fucking annoying because they just want their attention. the girls who don't just let you by, the one who NEEDS you.
i hate people who talk shit about green day just because of their recent music. come fucking see me, i'll show you.
i hate people who fuck with my friends.
i hate people who expect me not to get in their face and scream and curse and hit when they fuck with my friends.
i hate people who act SURPRISED when i get in their face and scream and curse and hit when they fuck with my friends.
needless to say, you don't fuck with my friends.
you don't talk about what you don't know about.
again, you don't fuck with my friends.
i need a punching bag.
someone kill him. kill them.
please.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
there goes the blood pumping again.