last post of 2k9

I don't want to write 2010. I want to write 2k10. it looks cooler to me.
I think resolutions do me good.

1; conserve energy
2; grow hair out, no cutting AT ALL until 2011. not even trimming.
3; lessen amount of time I spend straightening my hair.
4; figure out who I can trust
5; successfully stop lying to people
6; smoke a lot of weed
7; a/b honor roll second semester and first semester junior year
8; get workers permit/job
9; drivers license
10; dance class
11; take care of my mom
12; get another tatoo on my other hip, two more puzzle pieces corresponding
13; start buying cds again
14; save money
15; make dad proud
16; keep journaling
17; not cut/starve/try to kill myself
18; maintain a clean room


clean bathrooms upstairs by: 2/1/10
clean backdoor area by: 2/8/10
clean kitchen by: 2/8/10
clean mothers room by: 5/9/10
clean dining room by: 10/1/10

listen to weezy.
just do it.
like nike.
damn, son.

I feel like such a poet! hahaha.
since I started journaling again.
...smacked.
every day/night.
it turns into a poem.
damn. that's trippy.

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room!
maybe it foreshadows my improved cleanliness in the new year? maybe, new decade?!
damn, starting tomorrow, we've entered a new decade.
soon we'll be in a new era.
we're surpassing ourselves with the technology we're supposed to rule, that has come to rule us!
the true technological age.
^ living in it right now. this is proof.
I should print this out so I can have it in paper.
hahaha.
this is the way I think.

probably cause I'm high right about now.
damn hidden computers.
...someone in the computer world. they see.
they know!
they're like the technological world-wide-web HOLY FUCK, THAT'S WWW. LMAO!
WorldWideWeb!!!!

and you're thinking hes the one and you're dancing in your room when the night ends.
.

I love you! hahaha. I don't believe you.
:"DDD

peace out girl scout, see you losers in 2010. lemme know how fucked up you get!

bitch aint shit but a ho and a trick.

but you know it aint trickin if you got it,
you know we aint fuckin if you not thick
ill cool your ass down if you think your hot shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAwR6w2TgxY&feature=channel

I'm hyper as a nigger. at kfc. with a gun. and 2g coke. hehehe.

I wish I could describe how I feel. like, who I admire. who I'd like to be like right about now. but I can't. I'd like to smoke. but I can't. I'd like a cigarette but I don't have one. I'd like to not have a headache but it doesn't work like that. I wish I could fuck lil wayne but... its not working to my benefit. I wish it didn't snow up to my waist. what a waste of a day that I'll never get back.. ugh.

I feel so empty without you.

I want to stab you in the skull. I hate you.

Confusing stars for satellites.

I used to be the perfect girlfriend. like, really. at least I'd like to think I was, at one point. it's amazing how being cheated on can make you change. well, some people. I'd always been the submissive one. the one that didn't want to lose her virginity, but thought all hope of saving it for the right boy was lost: it was a lie anyways, he wasn't right. now I'm not right, and I'll never be right. and all there's left to do is take it in and think, just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse..

it truly makes me wonder what's happened to the people I used to share my life with. like, what's my best friend, Paige, doing on the other side of the country? fuck if I know she's still even alive. how's her suicidal mom doing, and is she still doing drugs? or Cassie. is she still a virgin? does she think about what she's done to sin? still MC's bitch? we used to be best friends. used to be. and what about Alex, who's he had sex with since I took his virginity? who has he promised to marry with a ring from Claire's?

used to be are sometimes three of the worst words, when used sequentially. cause just like that, things that were, used to be. happy. I am happy. I was happy. I used to be happy.

well, I feel like it's reasonable to say everything seems like it's crashing down. dan, toby, mom, everything. I can see my mom's memory deteriorating everyday. I can see my grandmother die right in front of me everytime I think about her. I can see her expressionless, pale face, barely hanging on. I don't want that to be my mother. no one insults my mother, unless they want to be killed. offending my mother is offending me even worse. my mom's a big girl, I'm a big girl. she can fight for herself, but that will never stop me from fighting for her. I don't know when I'm going to see my boyfriend again. it's unnecessary to even begin to explain what happened last night, but I can barely smile. I can't smile, until I'm with hayden. 'this is why I hang out with you. you make me feel alive.' I feel empty. I drew a bath earlier. made myself look all presentable, except I'm not even motivated to get out of this towel and put on clothes (gross, right?). his phone is off, his parents hate me and even more my mom & there's nothing I can do about any of it. no more late nights, stealing scare crows, smashing pumpkins, or sleepovers where everyone is having sex or eating a frosting/peanut butter morsel/icing/marshmallow/icing topper cake (with no actual cake, only the things listed above). unless something changes. I learned with Alex in the summer of 2008 that whenever I got my hopes down about seeing him and cried my eyes out all pitifully, I always ended up seeing him, even for a little bit, and it was always amazing. his parents hated me. but they never got into an altercation with my mother, nor did he get caught spending the night at my house, etc. daniel isn't alex. but it's hard to be optomistic when I feel so fucking empty inside. like, not knowing anything.. is horrible.

and toby is just an entirely other story. I'd truly love for things to be simple, you've got no idea. thanks for lying to me to make me feel better.. and you know exactly what I'm talking about too! honestly, I hate your friends. I've never felt comfortable even talking to any of them, they've always honestly had something against me and I've always felt that they were waiting for me to fuck up. but I knew this would happen. you obviously didn't. I don't know if I always wanted it to happen. but everything has just crumbled down on me. you. us. we. them. whatever. it hurts so bad to know there's something missing from every single thing you try to do, you know? like, no one will ever win. ever. someone's always sitting on the side line watching everyone else play their game, all the time. no matter what. you're the only one who gets me like you do, even when you don't. no one else could begin to understand what I'm even talking about, but you should understand every word of it. every word of this entire entry. I don't get why all of this happened, but it happened for a reason... when you get the chance, TRUST ME ON THIS.

...but until you grow your hair back. ;) (I accidentally typed 'head back' and laughed soo hard at myself)

but, tonight, I might hang out with the lovebirddds, bryan and mary. I wrapped dan's present(s) today, and made it all pretty with ernie stickers (from sesame street). I gave one of the (crack)s* to Jacob last night, cause I saw him at arby's randomly. he's been texting me, like, non stop, some random shit. today I got a message from him saying 'I will that when my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert' while I was loitering and smoking jacks with hayden, alex wiseman and some jared kiddo. I read it aloud, sitting right next to a tub of rainbow sherbet, and went 'hayden, decipher this for me' and everyone laughed. til he read it and went HAHA WHAT? it was rather funny. I never replied, nor did I say anything to him to provoke that message, which makes it that much more funny. or that could just be me. and them. us.


*note that I said (crack) above because I know dan might just read this and he can't possibly know what it was until Christmas :)

but... I don't know. I feel a little better after blogging. how lame can I possibly get? oh welll. hopefully I'll hear from daniel later, & I should still be hanging out with the crew minus him later. unless, by some amazing miracle, he can join.. I'd be, like, the happiest person ever. or at least get ahold of me. :( poop.

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